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Y'aaaaaaargh! Ahoy m'arties!

You'll be delighted to know that this is the last wall o'text update article from yours truly. The time is soon approaching where you can finally stop shouting “Y'aaaargh” for food supplies, lay down your cutlasses and remove your eye-patches...wait why are some of you wearing one on each eye? No wonder some of our damage keeps getting misdirected!

The Hot Summer event too is now drawing to a close. I have mixed feelings about this event and tbh it - and the associated drama - has sucked the eLife out of me a bit. I may or may not write a review of the Hot Summer event so I won't go into too much detail right now...especially as the word count of this article is way too high already.

So without further ado...proceed to ignore all the following o/

[P.S. There is a competition at the end if you want to just skip to that]

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05:30
Wake up. Go to feed the chickens and look for eggs to throw at foreigners. Am mildly surprised to find no eggs but instead be lunged at by a Bulgarian soldier weilding a broken bottle of raika. Luckily there was a plastic chair nearby to throw at him.

05:55
Call Bulgarian CP “Yep, they're in the chicken coop this time...”

06:15
Jump in shower. Am at first alarmed to feel someone elses hands rubbing shower gel into my back and hear “Is nice, no?” in a thick Bulgarian accent.

Decide not to call Bulgarian CP and keep this our little secret.



06:45
Tell Frag when the next RW is on telegram.

07:00
Jump on stupid folding bike and travel to choo-choo station.

07:05
Am slightly delayed getting to work as a Bulgarian soldier leapt from a bush and stuck a stick through the spokes of my wheel.

After rolling around on the floor crying for my mommy I called the Bulgarian CP. “You're supposed to be in Wales! Not bushes outside Brookman's Park!”

07:15
Purchase extra strong coffee with a shot of bourbon to sweeten for the choo-choo ride.

07:20
“Hmmm...this coffee tastes a little Balkan to me!” I muse. Am surprised to lift the lid and find a Bulgarian solider swimming inside shouting “Die English swine!”.

Call Bulgarian CP. “Hello...yes...no not inside my trousers this time...there was one in my coffee cup”

07:45
Arrive at work to discover the place blown to smithereens by misdirected Bulgarian shell fire...

...and so on and so on...

If you haven't caught the gyst I am of course referring to the lunacy that is the Anglo-Bulgarian training wars. The issues this week have been too numerous to expand upon in greater detail but in short they've almost removed themselves twice and stopped the Serbia-UK TW.

It can be irritating as often it denies not only us but our other TW partners a steady flow of battles. The amount of gold (y'aaaargh) and medal opportunities that have gone to waste as a result of the cock ups is quite an eye-opener!

Despite this and any faux outrage displayed (Bear in mind when on eRep I'm merely playing a role, I'm not actually ripping the heads off of my teddies IRL) Jiminy and myself see the funny side of it all and, if anything, are grateful that it gives us something to do bar clicking buttons.

Likewise Bulgaria – and in particular their excellent Minister of Defence – have always assisted in remedying any problems that have arisen for which we are grateful.

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*Puts head in hands. Takes deep breath*

No! Bad monkey!

Where and when to support Resistance Wars are shouted in the MoD message thread (in which almost every active fighter in the eUK resides), in the national feed, in articles, on the eUK telegram channel, church bells are rung out to announce them, smoke signals are sent, horsed messengers are dispatched to every corner of our kingdom, Jiminy tattoos them on his chest daily and struts around the streets pointing at them, children are whipped at school until they can recite the RW rules by heart...there is little more we can do save taking you by the hand and physically guiding you toward the correct one.

If you then go and support an 'unofficial' RW then you haven't been paying any attention and it's your own damn fault. To those who went and immediately locked themselves back into the East Mids RW...Tough titties! You're on the naughty step and that's where you'll remain for the foreseeable.

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Le sigh. I'm not sure what it is about the MoFA department, perhaps there's a blackhole under the desk or the stench of fish still lingers and ministers can't stomach it but, alas, I'm down two MoFA's in as many weeks.

To lose one is unfortunate, to lose two suggests more than mere coincidence. There's a common denominator in both cases...moi. Bearing this in mind I won't be running for CP again and will go a step further in reverting to the dreaded two-clicking.

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Huey was sent off to the Costa Brava with a couple of leopard print suitcases full of cash in order to set up my retirement scheme over there.

This was a working holiday and whilst there 'Don Huey' met up with his greasy Spanish counterpart to check all is well and good with the resource concession deal.
“¡Si! ¡Si! ¡Todos son buenos perros Ingleses!” came their response which we assumed meant it was OK and the laws were proposed and ratified by both nations.

In other financial news I finally got round to handing back the cash that the Netherlands had returned from last term (the tax revenue from their occupation of East Midlands). I just want to reassure citizens that there was absolutely nothing dodgy about the funds going through my account or disappearing for such a long time.

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Congress has now sent Mad Pauly approximately £3.6million without question to continue his research into 'What Is It The Ministry of Home Affairs Actually Does?'.

Apparently he hasn't arrived at a conclusion yet because he hasn't had the proper facilities in which to conduct his research so he's spent the past week (and eUK budget) building 'Château De Pauly'; a state of the art research facility – that looks suspiciously like a luxury house – complete with billiards room, cinema and underground massage parlour.

I did question on behalf of the Ministry of Finance if this was money well spent but Mad Pauly just told me to shut up, handed me a shovel and told me to help dig the swimming pool.

It's this kind of authority and leadership that gives me every confidence that he's working his way towards something great.

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AMD. dispelled any rumours that he's a workshy-fop this week when he posted the 'Three Rs of Education' in the national feed and the crowd went f*cking wild!


Bar this he has pretty much decreed that he will probably be drinking himself into oblivion for the foreseeable future. I know you were all sat with your trousers around your ankles and rods in your hands awaiting his latest article on fish but it looks increasingly unlikely. I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you.

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Mongress has gone, huzzah! Bunch of lazy bloody fuc...Oh bugger, there's another bunch of farting skittles sleeping in parliament. Shhh! Don't wake them, they might drop their 5G.

On the plus side at least the villainous swine that proposed the last impeachment is no longer there mwahahaha. (I'll wire the bribe for putting him last on the list to you later AMD. O7)

After numerous new welcome messages were rejected last term it's a miracle that congress remains. Operation Overloaf – which would have seen the eUK temporarily wiped prior to the 27th and therefore sans congress – was lined up and would have merely taken a nod of the head/couple of stiff drinks to launch. But muh pixel gold!

Congress were reminded that this isn't my first rodeo and the last time they were such grouches the country ended up couped. Fortunately for them the Wat Tyler of this latest revolt – WookieO – has agreed to become a martyr and fight me topless in a skip over the issue instead...cos that's what real men who take this game waaaay too seriously do! (RIP btw WookieO o/)



However....what I failed to realised at the time was that the Right Honourable Lord Harambe was effectively murdered in cold blood by WRP zoo keepers. Without Harambe voting no to every proposal I refuse to recognise the legitimacy of the incumbent congress and so far my only interaction with them has been to state this. It was a difficult decision to take as I'm sure they're currently having a wild time debating things and the banter is no doubt off the scale.



Coincidentally I have just noticed that a grand total of two there has been a massive influx of Irish citizens elected to congress. I have little doubt that this is the onset of a hostile PTO and as such I'll begin rallying the troops to defend our sovereignty and launch a defensive dictatorship.

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I'll spare you all the gory detail but we had an incident down at the wasteland at the end of my garden Old McChazbeard's Farm a few weeks back.

One must look at the positives of life though and over the weekend I'm delighted to announce that three new Polish bantems have hatched! Not the greatest layers in the World but I've only myself to feed and they're f*cking nutters so I love them.


In what is possibly an eRep first I'm running a competition to name one of them! It's very simple; just come up with a name and shout it in the comments. Don't worry about hurting their feelings as I'm pretty sure they don't speak human...I hope not anyway as I've told them where I buried the bodies :/

Best name wins 150,000CC
...second...75,000CC
...third...37,500CC

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Right. That's all folks

Cheers
Chaz