The Average eRepublikan – Part 2: SEX!

Day 1,335, 10:00 • Published in USA USA • by Chutley



The Average eRepublikan – Part 2: SEX!


Past Articles:

1. Initial survey
2. Survey background
3. Survey results Part 1: Appearance

This issue: Survey results Part 2: Gender, Relationships, Sex, and Porn!

Next: Survey results Part 3: Vices and Traits
Then: Cross-tabulations





So, how many eRepublikans are virgins? Before we find out, let’s examine a few other results which may presage an answer.


Gender


Sorry, “both” was not an option




Nothing surprising here:


click to enlarge


I guess that’s why eMarriages are so scarce. By the way, I still have no chucking clue what that is. Good news though.


Sexual Orientation





I have a feeling a few people lied on this one. But which way?

Well, for starters, the fact that more people answered “Bisexual” than “Gay” is probably a bit off. Why? Well, I think if someone were inclined to fake answers they would be most likely to choose the former because, I’m guessing, that would seem funniest and most unexpected. It sure as hell would be how I’d troll.

On the other hand, we have, statistically, a pretty small percentage of gay individuals. This could mean one or several of the following:

1. That people were afraid to admit they are gay.

2. That people have not yet realized it/come out of the closet.

3. That eRepublik is an activity that is more catered to straight men and women than it is to homosexual men and women.


What’s your feeling? And let’s keep this clean. (that’s what she said)





RELATIONSHIP STATUS





Gotta believe this is pretty close to accurate because, well, why lie? Trolling might lead you to select “Divorced,” but, whatever – those people are heading straight toward alimony payments anyway. Too bad trolling in a basement doesn’t come with a very large salary.


Or with healthy food



Interestingly, remember that 353 pounder? He’s been divorced. Buck up man, things’ll get better.





HOW GOOD LOOKING ARE YOU?


We’re inching closer to the “Virgin” question (pun sort of intended), so let’s examine how beautiful we are on the outside and see if that gives us a raging clue. Inside beauty is overrated anyway.

This is not to say that virginhood is completely decided based on looks (we all know it only takes another 2 to screw a 2).





Consider this first:

An answer of “1” equaled “Ugly as sin,” while “10” meant you were an Adonis. Nothing exact about those descriptors, but I think it’s safe to say that we could all easily assume that the average of any respectable, somewhat random sample should yield an answer of “5;” or, in other words, an average looking person.

However, if one is to believe our survey responses, we appear to have a very attractive sampling. The average eRepublikan is a…


6.64 out of 10


This is obviously completely bogus. I’m sorry; did people think I was asking about their avatars?

What we actually have here is evidence that our small population has a positively distorted view of itself. Almost one third of respondents said they were 7’s. We’ve already seen answers that were hard to believe, but this… this is nuts.



Here’s my rating system and how I’d react if a friend was dating someone of that number, starting with 5 and up:

5 = Average looking. A 100% meh. No shame with a 5, but no glory either.

6 = Good looking. Nothing to brag about, but a nice haul nonetheless.

7 = Attractive. Now it’s getting very respectable. A 7 still looks good in the morning. A 7 is the first number where friends start to talk positively about you behind your back. “Hey, have you seen Bob’s girlfriend?” “No, how’d he do?” “Pretty damn good for Bob.”

8 = Hot. Well done man. Wouldn’t have believed you did it if I wasn’t there helping you out with my awesome biceps and silver tongued wit. Very nicely done.

9 = Crazy hot. Like totally crazy hot. Like calling your friends the next day to tell them about it hot. Like can I take a picture of us in bed so I can remember this moment hot. Like I realize that life is now all downhill from here hot.

10 = Perfect. They don’t exist.



So… we, eRepublikans, are apparently between a nice haul and something to brag about? I think not. Listen - I was prepared to accept an average answer of 5 even though that's like staring at a brown banana and calling it ripe, but even I'm surprised so many of you don't know how rotten you are.

A note to some of you - you can paint a brown banana yellow, but it's still going to taste like crap.

Whoa sorry – Evil Chutley came out a little there. I forgot how much of a dick he can be.





PORNOGRAPHY


I wasn’t prepared to believe any less than 80%. But this?



Yes: 62%
No: 36%
Abstaine😛 2%


Maybe they didn’t know what I meant by “love.” Just to be clear, I didn’t mean given the choice between pornography and leaving the house you’d immediately choose the former. I just meant you’d come around to it eventually after carefully considering your other options.

So now that you understand, can I call at least 20% of you liars?


Although…



0: 21%
1: 13%
2: 13%
3: 15%
4: 7%
5: 6%
6: 5%
7: 16%

Ok. 21% of you don’t watch it at all. Fine, there’s your 21% from above. I get that.

That means 79% watch it weekly. It also means 15% of our total watches it, but doesn’t love it. I’m guessing that’s where most of our 1 day per week respondents dwell.

But how does that happen? Were you researching OCDs so you googled “anal retention” but instead typed “insertion” and then got stuck in front of your computer screen watching a horrible mistake for an hour, too titillated to turn it off but too disgusted with yourself to enjoy it?

More importantly – that happens at least once every week? Start being more careful with your typing or at least have the fortitude to look away every once in a while.

Oh and by the way, you 7 day-ers need to find other hobbies





SEX

Finally.

The percentage of respondents who claimed virginity was…

37%

That may sound low. It isn’t. Remember – our average age was 23 years old.

Furthermore, it did win the plurality. Second place was promiscuity (-ish) with 33%. Last place was exactly 3 partners (6😵, followed by exactly 2 partners (7😵. Right in the middle was 1 partner. So 17% of you either:

1. Are still with that first person,
2. Are on a very long cold streak, or
3. Just got ‘er done.

Congrats, last category. I'm sorry to hear that, first category.

And to all those virgins: keep shooting that rifle blindly in the air, you’re bound to hit a bird one of these days.





Summary

So, using a combination of pluralities and averages of the statistics previously reviewed, we see that the unscientifically calculated average eRepublikan is…

A strong, moderately attractive, porn loving, 23 year old straight male virgin bachelor who stands 5'10, weighs 168 lbs, and is not fat (partly due to the fact that he works out at least 3 times per week).





That’s it for this issue. Next we will cover Vices and Personality Traits.


Primitively,
Chutley