War Messenger Estonia

Day 713, 03:32 • Published in Estonia Latvia • by Vidvuds Riikste

"Good morning from the outskirts of Helsinki!

Latvian assault on the evil Finns was a surprise for many, but now that the assault is in full swing, nobody seems to be too upset. Well, perhaps some Finns are: they had to abort their traditional Sunday’s heavy drinking and actually do something meaningful.
Billowing clouds of pitch black smoke rise all around Helsinki (apparently Finns have set many of the Santa Claus letter vaults on fire to create some kind of smoke screen – I bet many children won’t be impressed), which makes a rather fitting backdrop for our morning newsblitz. We are here to keep you up to date with the most accurate and timely information, so that those Finnish disinformation agents have no chance of playing you for fool.."


Latvian vanguard units and Estonian border guards open the border for the rest of the combined taskforce. In the following hours, many more units crossed into Finland, to bring peace, democracy and other good family values.

"Witnesses report that eNBS units spearheaded the operation, boldly rushing forward in their Hummers and Hanomag halftracks (we also have unconfirmed Finnish claims that some rented foreign tanks were part of those units). Estonians proved most cooperative in providing military access through their country without a single incident or accident.
Just as the elite were fading in distance, militia units paraded past our correspondent and into Finland. They came in great numbers, loaded up in modified LAZ busses, overloaded GAZ trucks and other similar aging, but reliable vehicles. Some militiamen came equipped with really impressive weapons that had to be towed in specialized trailers: such guns just couldn’t be cramped in a bus or a van! ..."


Now, that's pretty big indeed

"Volunteers do their part well, too. Every minute groups of armed civilians enter Finland to wreak havoc and bloody revenge on those dastardly Finns. Quality of their equipment varies, though, as we have seen at least one man on a white horse wielding a baseball bat. Some volunteer doctors crossed into Finland three hours ago in a van full of ‘Swine flu’ vaccines. Reportedly, they intend to forcibly vaccinate Finnish civilians with this toxic and dangerous substance. Even if it sounds wicked, any effective method of fighting Finnish barbarians is a good method to be used. "
"Lithuanians and Estonians support our just cause enthusiastically. Their support has proved to be invaluable, keeping the wide frontline well covered and allowing our elite units to strike further unhindered with garrison duties..."

"Today I have noticed, that there’s a warrior inside me that just can’t sit by idly while brave men fight for their destiny. My mouth opens for a mighty roar: “Give me a weapon, even a rusty nail will do, I’m gonna butcher those Finns!!! HAIL TO VICTORY!!!”, but then my mind kicks in and I avoid some awkward moments here in the office. Well, at least the coffee is good and the heater works well today!



But I digress. Breaking news from Finlan😛

Finnish losses are a matter of heated debate today. Our sources in militia report that some Finnish units have been utterly annihilated, suffering 90% casualties. Other sources suggest that most Finns ran away without a fight to prepare for a counterstrike. We will keep you up to date with the most reliable and accurate information as this story develops. Stay tuned! "

"There are some (not many, but still) listeners who torment themselves with questions like: “Is this ethical?”, “Is this good for karma?” Well, you have to sort out that mess in your heads yourselves, but remember this: the Earth is home for all of us and we can make it pristine like that glass mountain being built in Riga right now, or we can let it stay a messed up gutter. Of course, being responsible, we choose the former option and so we will enforce peace and democracy in Finland, like it or not. Even more, some anachronic BS, like Finnish tribalism, living in saunas and Joulupukki beard fetish cult just needs to be erased from the face of Earth. If blood of million innocent Finnish civilians is to be shed, well, let’s call it a price we are willing to pay for triumph of the good!!!”

"Other good nations of eWorld have not wasted their time, either. Inspired by our success, Turkey begun an assault on Greece, while UK SAS commandos raided Swedish forward bases. Serbia, Slovenia and Hungary began the liberation of Croatia with overwhelming force. Russian civilians restored justice in a corner of the world as Alaska was taken by volunteer force. Sarah Palin fled to California..."


A militia company marches on to Helsinki

"The president of Latvia and well-known politician KKK reportedly denied Latvian involvement in any conspiracies with other PEACE countries. Naturally, those conspiracy theorists missed the big picture once again: naturally, nations can go to war whenever they see an opportunity and don’t need any permissions.”


Calling this person a senile old geezer had some serious repercussions for the Finns

"Currently Finland is in turmoil. Power hungry chieftains have fooled many of their peers into thinking that submitting to Latvia is dishonorable. Farmers, hunters and gatherers gear up for long campaign of retreats, counterstrikes and last stands, that promises nothing but bloodbath of the defenders..."


Finnish tribal warriors in war paint set on a warpath against Latvian liberators

"…Younger Finns take advantage of the Internet in their own lackluster way, spamming Latvian mass media with their poorly made propaganda an snake oil potion ads. To be absolutely fair, there are also many progressive Finns who realize that developed nation like Latvia will use Finland’s rich natural resources more efficiently and bring democracy at last. Also, there are many Finns who just don’t care, as long as the vodka supply is steady and uninterrupted."


Juhha was rather happy about Latvian invasion and the stylish trench coat he received as gift

"That’s it for our afternoon news edition, our loyal listeners. Stay tuned, more breaking news coming your way as soon as we have finished interpreting them. Fight hard, and fight well, so that Finnish brutes never again set foot on our soil!"



P.S. Propaganda radio format was used unintentionally; any accusations of real world parallels are just plain childish nonsense.