Join the new world

Uncle Sam currently holds 702 votes ( 41.59% of all the votes ) with 35.45% of the poll completed. Since the poll opened last night Uncle Sam has not dropped below the 40% mark. We expect this trend to continue into the night, meaning Uncle Sam will win his bid for re-election.

The runner up is as follows.

Scrabman 450 votes ( 26.66 % )
Desert Falcon 308 votes ( 18.25 % )

Some may argue that it is still to soon to call the election as only 35% of our population has voted. But unless Scrabman, or Desert Falcon supporters are late to the party we shouldn't see any large changes to the percentage.

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Before we begin our "State Quick Facts Edition" we need to address a problem which has been plaguing the Arizona Republic.... Quick Facts is suppose to be a satire lulz edition from Encyclopedia Dramatica. Nothing stated should be taken to heart. We have had two users bawwwwwwww about our content, and to be honest its getting old.

No one is forcing you to read our paper. If you don't like it, don't read it.
If you don't understand it, give up and become an hero.

And now for something completely different....

(DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS A SEPARATE ISSUE ATTACHED TO THE AZ REPUBLIC -
THE QUICK FACTS EDITION IS MEANT TO BE A SATIRE ARTICLE FROM ENCYCLOPEDIA DRAMATICA, DON'T GET BUTT HURT IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE LULZ.)


Quick facts about Utah

Medium Iron Resources
87 Citizens (as of March 4th, 21:50, Day 470)
Q1 Hospital and Q0 Defenses
Senator: Robert S. Miller of the Libertarian Party

Mormons

Morons, or members of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints", are members of a "church" invented by Joseph Smith, a horny conman and Freemason, in 1830. The early church (lawlz) grew through charismatic public speeches and fervent missionary work which eventually came to promote polygamy (and pedophilia as a byproduct) as the recruitment drive grew more ferociously fucked up. In a brilliant employment of trolling for his own gain, Joseph realized that the hate brewing against his church would serve to bolster the believers' persecution complex, and feeling persecuted means that you never have to see the truth.

The result is that wherever they are, Mormons have a higher rate of sex crimes, adultery, and teen suicide than the national average.

Theocracy
1. Invent crazy story about golden tablets, magic specs, lost tribes, visions of God, etc.
2. Convince gullible hicks, thieves and whores that your story is true.
3. As cult leader, use story as a pretext to fuck all the nubile, virginal teenage girls you want.
4. Get killed by angry mob.
5. Resurrection time!
6. repeat steps 3 and 4
7. ?????
8. PROFIT!

Beliefs

Mormons like to hint that they might be Christians but have major differences in what they believe. Some are more subtle than others, like the ones about blackies.

Mormons believe a Tribe of Jews sailed to the Americas hundreds of years before Christ. Some of these Jews turned into Mexicans for being assholes. After a whole bunch of TL😉R, Christ uses celestial technology to travel from the Middle east to South America, where he teaches the Mexican Jews. Then all the Mexican Jews kill each other except for some guy named Moroni, who walked to upstate New York, to bury the spiritual history of his people.

Other Mormon beliefs include:

* Baptism for the Dead, so you can still Baptize that stubborn father of yours. Mormons trolled Jews worldwide by baptizing Holocaust victims without consent from their families.
* Mandatory Temple work. One of the Rituals called Endowment is where they get those fantastic underpants.
* The Word of Wisdom. This is where the no coffee, alcohol, or tobacco comes from.
* The Second Coming will touch down in the place this whole mess began. The Garden of Eden, in Jackson County Missouri (srsly).
* Temple Passes are necessary to get into Mormon temples and they can only be obtained by wedding a young woman thrice then impregnating her mother AND sister.
* And last, but not least the Mormon version of "2 Girls 1 Cup" : the Doctrine of Eternal Progression.

For the price of your earthly life, you too can become the winnar of an eternal vacation to your very! own! PLANET!
Find a hawt goddess bitch, lock her away, raep her until her eyes bleed,
and watch her spit out billions of spirit-children, all ready to fight to the death for another chunk of rock!
(For a limited time. Not valid with any other offer. Offer not valid in Hawaii, the Virgin Islands, or anywhere outside the Milky-Way Galaxy.)

American Islam

American Islam

In many ways, Moronism is the closest thing the USA has to a home-grown Islam: both srsly stranger offshoots of Christianity, they spread their beliefs by fightin' round the world during the life of the main profit. Both profits were heavily into loli. Both used promises of loli, polygamy, and winning at violence to recruit low-lives. Both claimed better direct lines of conversation with God and more LOLable miracles than Chrestos ever had. Both have holy books with slabs copied from the Bible (directly in the Book of Moron and strange mashups in the other one). Both loved lucre, and relied on getting it from women at crucial times.

They also share big splits over stuff connected to the second profit. Both are designed to guarantee pilgrimage and money for particular cities in the desert. A key difference: the Morons had to build Salt Lake City to draw the rubes but Mohammad only had to promise to keep up Mecca's popularity with religious tourists to get given the place.


How to Troll Mormons

* Convert to Mormonism, and get an assignment teaching Sunday School to lolis. Bring Pedobear into your curriculum. Lulz and the Party Van guaranteed!

* Join the Mormon Church, tell the local bishop that you never fap so you can get a Temple Recommend (the paper that says you're not a fapper), go to the Temple to do baptisms for teh dead, taek a shit in teh big hot tub they use to summon the dead, and make them Mormons.

* Reconvert Mormons: Passionately tell Mormons you meet that it was the Elohim (an alien civilization) that met Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove. Tell them that the Elohim have selected a new prophet on Earth, named Raël. Tell them you have scientific proof (glowing silver tablets). When in doubt, remember, Mormons are susceptible to gullibility. This method may result in missionaries leaving the mission.

* If you live in California, walk up to a Mormon and tell them you're gay, that you find Mormon underwear a turn-on and you hope that gay marriage is taught in schools.

* Ask them why they believe Jesus and Satan are brothers, watch them deny the whole thing, then point them to their own doctrine and let them know they're going to Hell for ignoring it:

"Long before you were born a program was developed by your creators ... The principal personalities in this great drama were a Father Elohim, perfect in wisdom, judgment, and person, and two sons, Lucifer and Jehovah."


And now you know!