Join the new world

The President of the United States, Chief of Staff and Cabinet members, including Department Secretaries, Deputies and Advisors, meet daily in a secure thread called Presidential Daily Briefings.

Press Secretary Aramec presents an insider's view of the PDBs, in his own inimitable style, in these (almost daily) Press Briefings.

We’ve picked our top 2 for the week and a bonus out of respect for Chadwick Boseman. You can visit the forum to see the rest


Press Briefing: 08/26/2020 - 08/28/2020
Publication Date: August 30, 2020 (Day 4667)

Editor's Note:

---

Press Briefing 8/26/2020 - Our Friend, Krapis

As many know, dear Krapis is my friend.
And who is better to rule our strange kind
than this bright star? A shepherd fit to tend
our flock, to give us strength when we would tear
ourselves apart? A man to push and lead
us to a bright and much fulfilling end?

Though we may think this game is at an end,
he saw within our midst a chance. A friend
to all who pull their weight, he found the lead
on where to take us next. To him, the kind
of play that we should do is win. No tear
is worth the past; tomorrow he would tend.

And many ask the task that he would tend.
And he would say "The joy is at the end!
When all our blood and sweat and grime and tear
is shed? Activity is our true friend."
But late the days and year has not been kind
to him. They weigh upon his heart as lead.

In truth, there may now be buried a lead
to which this verse should out & finely tend :
this year, this circumstance, is not the kind
to breed much hope or acts of good, but end
our dreams, our loves, our cares, our plans. Our friend
is hurt. He needs our love to heal a tear.

There is a pain and in his heart a tear
to which we cannot fix, but only lead
him to our comfort we can lend. A friend,
one true, can help in times when we can tend
to fall away and thus despair the end.
When all else is pain, we must be kind.

And that thus brings us back to our true kind :
the kind that keeps - with blood, sweat, grime, and tear -
the kind that fights against our dying end,
to find the joy. To keep our wits. To lead,
not as a king, but as our true, good friend.

Because the only kind to keep, to lead
and not to tear our past away, but tend
to us, here at our end? Krapis, our friend.

Today, the cabinet discussed :
-- GET REKT SON I WROTE THIS B**** IN AN HOUR!!
-- G** D*** I still got this.
-- Ask Paul, it's totally true.
-- Krapis, I love you, that's why I did the most lesbian thing I could and write you a poem.
-- I hope you like it, dear god I do.
-- A N Y W A Y S
-- Blande's doing a killer job at deputy Chief of Staff.
-- Also WDIB accepted his Facebook friend request, how cute.
-- Krapis saw worm sign the likes of which have never been seen.
-- WDIB thought it was a fluke though.
-- I thought it was a nuke.
-- RHYMES!
-- I expressed annoyment at WDIB's imperfect karmic ratio.
-- Carlos is frenching a Canadian (ooh la la).
-- Blande then stunted on all of us and asserted his dominance by taking a middle finger straight up the a**.
-- I smote WDIB.
-- Melissa Rose ponied up, if you know what I'm sayin' meeeeoooowww, wowser Bowser!
-- She revived the Pony Express, unfortunately.
-- We lost access like everywhere.
-- Blande watched Indiana Jones then turned into a plane and flew directly into the sun and died.
-- WDIB didn't even give a s***, dawg.
-- Mel cried out in agony.
-- I thought about pita bread.
-- Then I thought about PETA.
-- Then I thought about.
-- Then I thought about Peeta Mellark.
-- Then I deeply questioned my sexuality for like the fourth time this week.
-- Then I realized, nope!
-- Still a lesbian.
-- I took a lap.
-- Melissa timed it.
-- I got a gold medal.
-- WDIB made a grocery list.
-- Mel did her best impression of a Marvel movie superhero.
-- We lost contact.
-- AND THEN THERE WAS SADNESS
-- BUT WE ALL LOVE KRAPIS
-- AS MUCH AS PEETA LOVES KATNISS
-- THE POEM WAS ORIGINALLY TITLED C*** PISS
-- But then I asked Paul to suggest to me a poetic form to write in and I wrote a sestina and got real serious.
-- SO THAT'S THIS.
Press Briefing 8/27/2020 - Caca Couture

Much has been made, citizens, concerning tonight's impromptu fashion show and subsequent primate riot. But we will not speak of any of it.

We will not speak of the new line of clothing that King Harambe debuted today in a Fortnite advertisement, tantalizing us to attend his "Caca Couture" show on the capital lawn.

We will not make any mention of the way in which we thought Harambe would be "inspired" by the essence of caca, the subversive nature of excrement in contrast to high French fashion, and were rudely and horrifically disappointed by the much, much more literal interpretation that King Harambe had gone with.

And we will, in no way shape or form, recount the egregious moment of accidental explicitness much reminiscent of that by-gone Super Bowl moment, where ossified s*** lingerie Harambe himself was modeling slipped off his shoulder in a most terrible angle, thus inciting every primate present to quite literally and also quite figuratively lose their collective s***.

We will not speak to any of it.

We will instead ignore the mess, and hope - nay, pray - that someone, anyone except us, will have cleaned it up by tomorrow.

We.

Will.

Pray.

Today the cabinet discussed :
-- Melissa Rose will no longer allow media to exist.
-- King Taco steadfastly agreed with her.
-- Krapis felt the love this morning.
-- And, if I could, I would give it to him tonight.
-- "It" in that sentence being the love, emotionally.
-- But if he has needs, I will meet them with open cheeks.
-- Krapis actually had something that only Evry could help with and asked him a question, hooray!
-- But then Dinnyin and DMJ both answered and put Evry out of the job, boo.
-- But Evry still answered, because Evry exists.
-- Then DMJ got greedy.
-- We beat the crap out of some random Fed was came across in an alley.
-- Mel thought it was worthless.
-- But WDIB thought it was tight.
-- Then Harambe was dethroned.
-- And then it turned into a s*** slinging contest and here's the end result that we definitely won't talk about.
Press Briefing 8/28/2020 - In Memory of Chadwick Boseman

Sometimes, we can't help but acknowledge certain real life events that pass. Today is one of those days. This Press Briefing is dedicated in memorial to Chadwick Boseman. Rest in power, King.

Wakanda forever.

Today, the cabinet discussed :
-- Out of respect, I will be covering what was in today's PDB tomorrow, as I'm just a little too sad to make jokes right now fam.

Here's the weather.




Aramec
Press Secretary

Melissa Rose
SecMed

Top 2 Press Briefings for the week
erepublik.com/en/article/2722915