Blockbuster Scandal Rocks XLYMPIC Games

Day 3,186, 07:30 • Published in USA USA • by Gnilraps
Day 3186 of the New World
August 10, 2016
/sarcasm
/satire
/all in good fun











Brief:
In a bombshell document unearthed by 16 Shells, underground sources indicate Xlympics chief HadrianX may be facing charges stemming from back-ally tactics and sleazy sex-driven bias, leading to tainted Xlympic results.








Federalists Under Fire

Unconfirmed reports indicate Melissa Rose and Fingerguns spent 5 hours stroking Hadrian’s “X” in an attempt to bias the judges in favor of Federalist entries.




USAF Allegedly Buying Influence

One particular owner of an IRC bot that boasts access to rooms that even Pfeiffer doesn’t know of said, “HadrianX has been selling influence to minority Xlympic interests for 3 weeks.” It is believed that USAF, in a last ditch bid for relevance, is the focus of these allegations. Tyler Bubblar is believed to be financing the scheme.








EZC Using Multis?

The Xlympics largest contingent, Easy Company MU, has been a major focus of the investigation. Does anyone actually think that “Buckwheat McCoy”, “ComplexCrow”, “JamArber”, and “LuckyNumber85” are actual eRepublic Citizens? Xlympics Chief HadrianX accepted their applications like a hungry wolf receives meat.

I ask you: are the Xlympics for meat?

No.

They are not for meat.

The Xlympics are NOT for meat!








Chickensguys Ignored

Xlympics chief HadrianX claims that the 10cathalon employs “fair” methods of judging “swag”. Meanwhile Chickensguys, eRep’s sultan of blacklisted swag, complains of oversight and bias. “But I AM an American! I really AM!” Chickensguys was reported to have been heard saying, adding, “Yo, Yo, Yo…”.

Tenshibo responded to these allegations, saying “Werd”.




USWP Anti-Feminist

Massive inconsistencies in the “Debate This” event were uncovered by participant “Evry”. Ms. Evry indicated that pragmatic concerns lead to her growing suspicion that the issues raised in the “debate this” event were inherently biased against women. Mr. HadrianX had only one comment, “Evry? She's been pumping that agenda for years. She's not a 'feminist', she's downright gynocentric.” Known misogynist “Pfeiffer” quickly agreed, leading to allegations that USWP was secretly manipulating things behind the scenes in favor of male contestants.




Yui Still Confused

Alleged former “CP” Yui eventually chimed in on the burbling Pfeiffer/Evry/HadrianX controversy saying, “What?”


Nobody bothered to fill him in…








Massive Racial Bias Discovered

Another event that is alleged to be completely rigged is the Mad Libs contest. Our source somehow obtained a list of the words to be requested in the final round. Included are:


Piel Jussive
Pual Participle
First-Yod Hophal
Hithpael Infinitive Construct
Noun Containing a Furtive Patach
Proclitic Preposition


It would seem the game is fixed in favor of the Jews.











While investigations are still under way, 16 Shells recommends that everyone quickly submit his/her entries for the various events that are so obviously tainted.

Click here for a list of Xlympics Team Rosters.

Click here for the Event Schedule.

Click here for a list of competitors for each event.

Click here for a list of judges for each competition.

Just click here. Yum.


Remember, deadline is Thursday.




You may now return to your regularly scheduled clicking