[CERB] We Have No Choice

Day 1,349, 08:52 • Published in USA USA • by Necros Xiaoban

Dear Sweet Beautiful America,

We are faced with a crisis. Indeed, the crisis we face is one of a severity such as has not been seen before, nor may ever be seen again. Our very democratic freedoms are being infringed. "How could this be?" you may ask.

Its quite simple. You see, first, we kill the Batman. Wait, no. Scratch all that.

Its quite simple. Never before has any one single candidate embodied such power, such strength of character, such machismo, dignity and grace as my good friend Cerb. Never before has a candidate been so imminently lovable, while also possessing the skills necessary to accomplish the job. Never before have the hearts and minds of the people reached out to one man as one.



You see, America, Cerb has inadvertently robbed us of the right to choose our POTUS. Now, before you get mad at him, you should know he didn't mean to. He was simply being the same, hardworking, upstanding citizen of the community he has always been. Nonetheless, he failed to calculate just how awesome he is, and because of that, he did not realize that by running for POTUS he has in fact left us with no choice.

We simply must elect Cerb. To do otherwise would fly into the very face of the morals and values which separate us from the likes of Servs, Poles and Dirty Double Spaniards. We have no other choice. We love him so very much, and he loves us, I'm sure he's going to win by a landslide.



I'm not asking you to vote for Cerb. I know you already will. I know, because I know you. I know you're a freedom loving American who wants the best for this country. I know you love puppies, and would never drown them in a pond. Because if you don't vote for Cerb, that's what you're doing. Drowning the cute, adorable puppies of the hopes and dreams of America in a pond, snuffing out the beautiful flames of their lives.

But as I say, I know you won't do that. I love Cerb, you love Cerb, we all love Cerb. Now lets make this man POTUS.




Sincerely,
Necros Xiaoban
Dark Lord of All The Things