The Best Laid Plans

Day 4,577, 13:43 • Published in USA USA • by Aeriadne

I came back. I learned the lay of the land. Got my finger back on the pulse.

And I made a plan.

I laid out a roadmap to be followed.

I had fallbacks, ideas, I was ready.

And then I got sick.

I got very sick.

And for a week I was feverish and waiting on test results if it was covid.

It thankfully was not.

But then I got hopeless.

The mind spirals into bad places, and given how precarious my position had been, it didn't take as much to topple me as I thought.

And a week of sitting quietly screaming and crying in my apartment did nothing to abate that.

And then the familiar sense set in.

One I've become accustomed to over many years with this game.

Failure.

I had, yet again, failed.

I was not a man. I was a mouse.

But it didn't matter.

I wanted to give a memorable month, I wanted to be something, to inspire, to uplift.

I couldn't even take care of myself.

And I was too ashamed to admit to you all by the time that sense of failure had set in that I was a failure, yet again.

I know this game doesn't mean much.

It never did.

But you all meant more than it ever had.

And I'm sorry I failed you.

To the USWP: I will not be seeking reelection. I've half a mind to resign on the spot. Let me know what you wish me to do.

To the people who cared about my writing: I'm sorry. I gave it my best shot. Maybe I'll write more. Right now I need to get over myself and my sense of loss.

I'm sure some of you will or have already said "I told you so." You're not wrong. I wish you were, but that isn't the world we occupy.

To those who'd like to say it's okay, it's not that big of a deal, I know.

I'm still sorry anyways.

If I come back again, it won't be with any promises of grandeur. I hope that when I do, I'll finally be able to just vibe, and sit, and appreciate being here with you all without feeling like I have to do something.

Just friends, gathered around the dying digital embers.

Until then...

Stay safe.

Stay strong.