MOAR UPROAR!! EVERYBODY GETS DOXXED!!

Day 4,821, 15:24 • Published in USA USA • by Pfenix Quinn
MOAR UPROAR!! EVERYBODY GETS DOXXED!!
No: 40 Day: 4821



Once again, this is your special correspondent Phoenicia Quinn reporting for Radio Free Dixie...


Let's get right to it, fight fans! First off -- DO NOT BE AFRAID!!! Everything is going to be ALL RIGHT. (I mean, once Wilhelm Rontgen is elected President, of course.)







OK. Here's what's happened...

The Emperor Palpatine-Chicken has declared, errr, oops, wrong movie, sorry (Phoenicia shuffles her notes...)



I meant to say that the Very Very High Commander of the WeeTeePee High Command, CP chickensguy, has recently de-cloaked in order to declare that his team of homies is not now, nor have they ever, attacked civilian shipping lines using disguised drones. His sad and heart-rending announcement was meant to finally put to rest piles of accusations that had been flung around for months by well-known conspiracy buff, all-round Socratic gadfly, and rebel starship commander, Franklin Stoned.

But instead of putting the matter to rest, the Chicken-Emperor's statement had the opposite effect. It unleashed yet another firestorm of wild accusations, harsh criticisms, totally inappropriate gossip, and even -- as sometimes happens when emotions run riot -- some fine romance. The shitstorm resulted from his claim that He Who Shall Not Be Named But Is The Source of All Evil in The New World had once doxxed e-America's favorite sweethearts, TheNorm and MaryamQ. On some other un-named platform. And possibly with their full permission. But STILL!! The HORROR!!!!



Then the cat was out of the bag, the chickens came home to roost, the dogs began to have their day, and every Hoe in Hoeville started doxxing everybody else, left, right and center.

Dang. It was sweet.




Being your COMPLETE news source, our team here at RFD quickly got to work harassing people and taking their photos IRL. And we've compiled the following list of REAL LIFE pictures of some of our most well-known players, for you to enjoy and laugh at...




We started with the person being pilloried by the WTP'ers every which way from Sunday, The One Who is Responsible for All Evil, the well-known tank and enigmatic philanthroper, Gnilraps. We caught up with him in real life while he was probably on his way, given his strange get-up, to some kind of sporting event, possibly a fencing match.

After our sizzling hot paparazzi snapped a few pix, they went "nyah-nyah-nyah" and asked for his comments on what would happen if we published them. This was his startling reaction...



Our dudes backed away slowly. Then ran.




Understandably, the stress and strain of actually having to contest a Presidential election on the merits of good policy has put a lot of pressure on the various members of the Imperial Household. Even before the Emperor-Chicken's shocking de-cloaking, his right arm, the Big Tree Person Who Evidently Has a Giant Log, and his Horse Man, the Smelly Wee Rygellian, had been sniping at each other in various forums and feeds over the incessant farting of the smelly one.

Our brave photojournalists recently caught the following pic of them together, on their way to a Proud Boys concert. ZOMG! It turns out that in Real Life they are none other than Star Wars star Mark Hammertoe and a bizarre-looking kind-of-froggy creature (probably from Australia?) and not the deposed emperor of a galactic empire far-far-away!



Turns out they don't hide their dirty laundry in public either.



The revelation of the froggy creature's real identity led our socialist pit crew to wonder "So... What is the real deal with He Who Cannot Type Right, and presents himself in game as a cute little Yoda character?" This one took some digging, but here pleased we are to reveal, any where for the first time, his true identity! It is none other than super-rich South African whiz-kid Elon Mush!!! Who knew Elon'd have enough time on his hand to play this silly game when he's so busy building a Mars colony for his billionaire buddies!?!?!



What a cutie-pie he is, you know, for a scum-bag multi-billionaire!



Being all fair and square and everything, we did not limit our contribution to the doxx-a-thon only to the WeeTeePee party. We also tracked down some of the members of the notorious Oh-My-God-Eeeeeeeek-I-Can't-Believe-They're-Commies-Party who have had the disgusting rebel temerity to actually run a candidate against the Chicken-Emperor.

First up, it turns out that Shiloh13, the infamous Antifa organizer who has infiltrated this group and set them on their oh-so-dangerous path, is NOT, as many have suspected, actually Hungarian wiseguy George Soros. Much to our surprise, Shiloh is really Annie Oakley, whose real name is Phoebe Ann Mosey, born in 1860 and famous for being the most sharp-shootingest chick west of the Mississippi. Turns out she did not die in 1926, as many suspected, but has been carrying on for over 150 years now, making life difficult for flatuous shitgibbons everywhere she goes.






Next up was notorious Commie comedian, effervescent Anarchist windbag and perennial Vice Presidential candidate, RF Williams. It wasn't too difficult to track him down IRL since he telegrammed our office and invited us over for "tea" at his secluded sea-side ranch on Cape Cod. After going on at some length about how "he" would be the best VP because "he" excels at doing nothing at all and is very pretty to look at, our journalists asked RF to verify on the record that, like Shiloh, "he" is also, in fact, a well-known ancient female gunslinger. In this case, the notorious outlaw Bonnie Parker, born in 1910!

"RF" confirmed these facts, made a few cutting but cryptic remarks about "that moron, Clyde Barrow", and then showed us to the rowboat with instructions on how to find our way back to Plymouth across the Bay.



Bonnie seeing us off.



OK. OK. Hold onto your e-hats! We're not done. For the final reveal, we have tracked down RL photos of both Presidential candidates!!

This was not an easy task. chickensguy is a notorious recluse both IRL and in-game. We had to use our contacts at Japanese fanzine to get the pic we needed. But we paid a lot for it and have been assured it is The Real Deal.


Somewhat disappointingly, it turns out chickensguy in real life is a rather ordinary cop from Kenosha, Wisconsin. Out of respect for the dangers of his real life occupation, we'll refrain from publishing his name.



Eat well, dear chicken. Respect.


Wilhelm Rontgen eluded us for a while as well. The trail ran cold for a while after we ran into a whole string of militant activists from a wide variety of social justice and revolutionary organizations, as well as a bunch of physicists, who seemed to know the real Wilhelm's whereabouts but kept tossing red herrings our way. Delicious! Especially with some sour cream and capers! But we weren't in it for the snacks. We finally caught up with him on the set of "Lone Star".

Yes! Much to our surprise, it turns out that RL Wilhelm Rontgen is none other than adorable and sometimes-slightly-edgy movie actor and TV personality Rob Lowe! He was super-nice to us and paid for our bus ticket back home, but he was a little miffed that we'd eaten all the red herring.



Aww! How could you not vote for that guy!?








Whew! It's been another incredible turn of events in USALand! RFD will continue to break more news over these unfolding developments. And stuff.

Oh wait... what's that?... really? Franklin Stone is actually who?... OMG! OMG! Really!!









Well now it is all starting to make sense. Where did the SFP get that time machine anyway?