Profiling by liquor
Ilene Dover
In light of the empty media stream, I feel obliged to put an article out. Unfortunately I don't have time to do a thorough job, so please accept my humble apologies for the casual sexism and stereotypes in this one. I promise a proper and serious article (the education side, not just entertainment...) will be coming later tonight.
The results of an exhaustive survey, and my own experience on both sides of bars, on personalities and what approaches work for women (and men, of course) dependent on their drinks.
IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB ... (NOT AT HOME)
BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the arse.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.
WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.
SPIRITS SUCH AS CC, WILD TURKEY, SOUTHERN COMFORT
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you’re in!
CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, COWBOYS, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait......
SPIRITS SUCH AS JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they’ll think you’re a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!
And,
IF A MAN DRINKS...
As always, very simple and clear cut. L)
CIDER
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.
CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
IMPORTED BEER
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
WINE
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
PORT
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
WHISKY/JACK DANIELS
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
JIM BEAM
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
Comments
5 votes and nobody keen to put an order in? Bunch of cowards...
I'm firmly into the G&T camp. Can't go wrong, at least as long as it is still summer.
Haha, like it... I am a JD man as my regular drink, but only when the missus is not home (she is jealous that I love JD more then her)
Still hitting anyone that gets in the way of you getting laid? 🙂 Probably best to do that when your dearly beloved isn't around...
Enery drinks or red wodka - red bull 🙂
I'm surprised your heart stays tied to your chest. 🙂
but in what category do i go ??? 🙂
I'd have to say:
"Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid."
The joke paper contributes to my opinion - Desperate to get laid and won't shut up. 🙂
Whisky or gin drinker here
I drink Vodka here :yesyesyesyes:
My aunt is single now. She drinks lots of beer. She even goes on beer holiday trips out to breweries in other states. But I don't know if she plays pool. If she did, she might be pretty good at it. She teaches geometry.
Sounds like a top lady. Maths is awesome.
What if the guy is like me and likes dry martinis, then what? He thinks he's as cool as James Bond and wants to get laid by a "Bond Girl".
Can't help you, sorry. Dry martinis are vile. If you think that's a good drink, all taste buds have been removed from your tongue. 😛
They are an acquired taste to be sure. But one I acquired when very young, too young to drink, in fact. My father used to like dry martinis (I don't know why or when he acquired this taste. My guess is he learned to like them when going to jazz clubs in the '50s.) He used to give me the olive from his martini. I liked them. You know kids: they like to imitate their parents.
Just killed 2 and a half bottles of Vodka last night, what am I? (And I got laid more than once)
Lucky? On at least two counts... Where is the hangover justice?
"CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid."
Hmmmmmmm yes i am poor. Way to old to be a student.
However i do like to get laid so 2 out of 3 is not that far off.
Does it change at all if i like to mix weed with my domestic beer?
I could've said "poor and tasteless but desperate to get laid" but thought I'd be nice instead. 🙂
Came to Australian media hoping for amusing stereotypes. Leaves satisfied.
We aim to please.
Feel free to stop by anytime, promise we're not judgemental. Even if you're a Guinness drinker 😉