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The Best Congress Presentation

Day 1,099, 09:40 • Published in Canada Canada

• by Christian Doe

I'll make it short, otherwise it will be too long and you won't read. I'm running for Congress in East Midlands, which is... somewhere on Google Maps. Below is a list of things I support. I kindly request you to nod energetically after you read each item.

* Baby booms: Babies are fun. Crazy fun. And they'll drive you crazy too.
* War: Every single soldier should belong to an organization of his/her own and drown in a ton of cash.
* Transparency: Scarlett Johansson. Clothes. Transparency. You now understand why everyone wants it so bad.
* Bilingualism: I'll require every single Red Coat in East Midlands to speak French. This should be fun.
* Bacon: It tastes so much better when it's marinated in vegan tears.

So on the 25th of November, visit England. It can't be so much worse than Canada during that time of the year.