Breaking News: eUS at eOlympics

Day 5,207, 22:01 • Published in USA USA • by MaryamQ

Hello, eUS! These are your reporters, Pfenix Quinn and Melissa Rose with news, and possibly a little commentary, about the performance of the eUS in the recent eOlympics*.



We realize that few of you watched, despite the ridiculous amounts paid by us for broadcasting rights, but we are here to get you up to date whether you like it or not.

Our first eEvent is the ski jump, ably led by CP Kody5. Like the champion he is, he jumped so far, he flew right out of the venue, and it is not known where or whether he has landed. It has been reported that he is looking for a new place to try an air strike, so we will have to wait for updates.



Moving on, in curling, TheNorm and MaryamQ represented the eUS in mixed doubles, with coach Jake Sea assisting. Upon arrival to the sheet, Coach Sea advised MQ that she needed to begin the end by throwing the stone into the house, while Norm would act as sweeper. TheNorm, upon hearing the word “sheet”, mistook “sweeper” for “sleeper”, and retired to the edge of the sheet to take a nap. Meanwhile, Maryam was unsure whether the house she was supposed to throw into was Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw. Once that was sorted out by the sorting hat Jake, she commenced to try to deliver the stone, but somehow managed to throw herself, instead. Due to the large amount of weight, she was last seen sliding out of the arena and into the next venue. TheNorm, having been prodded awake by Jake and handed a broom, proceeded to sweep all visible and invisible dirt from the house and stood in the corner, looking for a dustpan. Rumor has it that Thedillpickl and his eCanadian cronies were laughing so hard at this display that they forgot to show up for their own game, so that was the end of the ends for them, too. Jake, disgusted, was last seen stalking off toward the biathlon.



The Rough Riders, having decided they were well suited for the bobsled competition, set up a 4-man person team with Thee Dude as pilot, backed by Stormin EwokJedi, Leroy Combs, and Animis, filling in for Herr Vootsman, who was racing madly from venue to venue, trying to support all Asteria members at once. The Rough Riders found the track surprisingly smooth, and decided to make another run to see if they had missed something.



The biathlon competition was entered by members from Bear Cavalry and EZC. Franklin Stone, unfortunately, was disqualified for testing positive for a banned, though not performance enhancing, substance. He claimed it was totally appropriate because it was 420 somewhere, but judges were not sympathetic. BC members were somewhat disappointed that they could not bring their bears, but members of both MUs were so enthusiastic about the opportunity to shoot, that both ubuntu and shiloh had to spend considerable energy trying to prevent them from shooting while skiing, and admonishing them only to shoot at the targets. Jake Sea, arriving from curling too late to enter, narrowly missed being shot by an eager young soldier, who shall remain nameless.

By far the largest eEvent was a great downhill ski race, endorsed by ePlato, and entered by many eCitizens, both well known and totally unknown. The course was so long that the results are not yet known, and there is no authoritative estimate of an end time.

We will keep you posted - or not.



* Note, any resemblance to any eCountry or eCitizen, eLiving or eDead, is purely intentional coincidental.