CONFIRMED: Covid-19 Developed in Plato Laboratory

Day 4,555, 10:37 • Published in USA USA • by Gnilraps
After You Die (Mandatory listening)
Day 4555 of the New World
May 10, 2020



It has been a very long time since the 16 Shells research department has been given any work to do.

In truth, the entire staff quit after it had been revealed that this newspaper was just a front for an elaborate ponzi scheme. Nobody got paid. So that's the true story behind my maudlin goodbye.

Don't believe it. I missed none of you.

But then I was diagnosed with Covid-19.

Note: I did not say I had tested positive. No test was necessary. I am very clearly showing all symptoms:

1. I'm bored in the house.
2. I'm in the house bored.
3. I logged onto eRepublik.

People get themselves all confused about fevers and frostbitten toes and liver problems. None of that has anything whatsoever to do with the REAL Covid-19. Well, except for the liver problems, but that's more of a secondary symptom.

I know all about the symptoms of Covid-19 because our recently hired research department has uncovered incontrovertible evidence that Plato himself designed Covid-19 in order to save his precious game, eRepublik.

Please allow me to explain.

The appearance of the first and second symptoms was concerning, I assure you. I am not one for boredom. Even when it should be expected that a person ought to experience a twinge of the thing, such as during long episodes of being lectured to by my wife about how I never listen to her when she is trying to lecture me, EVEN THEN I typically do not experience boredom. No, my mind gleefully wanders at such times to ponder such topics as, "I wonder if I'll be able to craft a winning Face Hunter deck now that they've nerfed Leeroy Jenkins?"

Like I said, boredom is never my problem.

But there I was in the house. Bored.

Never one to be an alarmist, I assumed the boredom was a touch of Influenza B. It did tend to strike in the evenings, after all.

But then I was shaken by what happened next. Truly brought low, was I, by what I now know is certifiably pathognomonic of none other than Covid-19.

I logged onto eRepublik.

So no, I don't need a 9-inch Q-tip shoved into my cranium to tell me what you all can clearly see by my publication of this article and by my inevitable accompanying shouts for attention: I have the virus.

So stay away from me, at least 16 feet.

That's when I made a few inquiries, threw together a nebulous "benefits" package, and eventually hired my 11 year old son to look into this for me. His 5th grade teacher told me over Zoom that he needed a research project anyway, so I figured on killing two birds with one stone. Plus I was bored so my judgment is suspect.

Anyway, he proved it.

Plato has been working like the madman he is to devise some type of global pandemic. If you don't know what the word "pandemic" means, don't worry neither did my son.

Pandemic: lots of people logging into a crappy browser game because they are in the house bored and bored in the house. (Source: 16Shellspedia)

Now thanks to Plato and his devious viral attack, my son is failing social studies, I am publishing another piece of trash in a browser game which hasn't been interesting since day 1297, and you are stuck reading it.

It's a real b**ch this Covid-19.

Anyway, some things never change, so thanks to my genuine concern for how much you like me, I'm here.

I hope it's a lot. How much you like me.

I don't hope I have Covid-19 a lot.

Thanks a lot, Plato.

Either way, you may of course now return to your regularly scheduled clicking.