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- Lord Harambe remains President of the PCP as turnout falls.

- Certacito reclaims Presidency of UKRP.

- EXCLUSIVE: King William open to idea of collaboration with PCP.

- Lord Harambe slaps down idea.

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By Pontefract

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Lord Harambe last night won the Pirate Cat Party presidential elections as party turnout fell to fourteen votes.

Concerns regarding player engagement seem to be growing within some circles. After the departure of Alfa to eIreland was met with widespread silence within the eUK community, it appears to have given one source an idea. 'Why not just properly invade eIreland? A full on war would pull players in for a long time. There is no engagement otherwise in the eUK. No wonder Alfa left.'

However, another source cautioned against this mentality. 'We've good friends in Ireland - you can't just go rounr [sic] attacking places. The eUK is tiny - we'd be sitting under constant occupation if we started wars randomly. Hate to sound boring but that just shows how little they know the game.'

One could imagine our third source tutting. 'The eUK is fine. Its [sic] always been boring.'

Webley2 also appears to be framing turnout, enagagement and player numbers as an issue he would fight as PCP President: 'My objectives?' he asked. 'To gain more members and make the Pirate Cats the No.1 Party in eUK.'

'How are we going to achieve that? By being entertaining, ruthlessly efficient and by acting as a close knit team. The other Parties are by comparison dull and lacklustre. I would never consider joining any other team - I have been a PIRATE CAT from the start.'

As charming as this may be, it is Lord Harambe who currently commands the PCP. And before we get onto what this means, here's a helpful lesson on why there's normally so much more to write about the PCP than other parties (and hopefully that very angry geezer will read it, learn something and stop haranguing our Editor-In-Chief... you know who you are, you swine).

Unlike the UKRP, leadership battles are all out contests in the PCP. Whereas CP / Prime Minister / Chief Apple Lad Sir Humphrey stood aside to allow Certacito to sweep to victory whilst burying Sir Jimmy Savile, and in comparison to the absolute lack of any contest in any other party in the eUK, the PCP has, often brutal, democratic brawls and it's unsurprising that fine filthy tabloids such as this one spend so much time analysing a party unlikely to be in power for a while when the CP is supported by a ruling coalition. It seems one of Webley2's aims have already been met - the PCP is already the most 'entertaining' party without even having to try.

Lengthy explanation understood? If not, scroll straight to the comments and leave an angry riposte. Excellent. Cue subheading.

Goats. Goats everywhere.

In an eUK exclusive, King William of the Goats confirmed to this newspaper that he and his party would be willing to throw their official support behind a PCP candiate for the CP position.

When asked of the informal and anonymous discussions held between anonymous party members, His Majesty said 'It would be the first I am hearing of it. Do you know something I don't?'

'As for my view, I am willing to work with anyone who respects us and wants to "Make Britain Great Again".'

'It would really depend on the PCP member. Sometimes I tolerate apples, but there is no love lost between that bloke and I, and he is a supporter of a false King sadly.'

Reflecting on his party's congressional performance in last month's elections, King William said 'I was relieved to see we rallied from a poor start to hold our five seats, but I would very much like to see the goats rise to the heights of some of the more powerful parties in the UK in the future.'

'We certainly have a voice, and enough votes that we are courted and can matter, but it is of course very difficult to be in a position to govern as a minority party.'

A Goat and Pirate Cat alliance however was quickly dashed by the PCP President.

'We are ready to work with other parties, but there will be no cooperation with King William,' Lord and Saviour Harambe exclusively told The Pun. 'And also I'm not inclined to work together with TUP president Keithunder, after his disrespectful behaviour towards my party after the Congress elections. He can feel free to make a public apology, we can see after that. Just to add, those are issues with these to [sic] people specifically, not with their parties in general, but sadly they are the leaders of their parties.'

What ever could happen next? Could this become an issue within the PCP? Will the Goats and nautical felines ever unite? Will anything of interest ever happen in the TUP at all?

There's only one way to know...

Subscribe, dear reader, to your favourite filthy tabloid rag!

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A note on sources: The Pun messages players asking for statements. These players are asked if they would like their name to be printed alongside their comments or whether they wish for anonymity. The Pun considers any promised anonymity sacrosanct and identities will never be provided.

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