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““Hello, my name is Diego. I live in the Swiss Alps, where I barely scrape by making artwork of nature around me and my home. My parents come from Russia originally, but were transferred to Switzerland for work. Although I did not like the city, which is why I am here now, in the Alps. Since the roads up to me are narrow, I tend to ride a motorcycle everywhere I go, although it is a hybrid, so it is good for the environment. One day, I drove into town to pick up a cheap pet, because I was getting a little lonely. While I was in the pet shop, I saw this beautiful girl looking at the goldfish. It was love at first sight. I found out her name, but that is all she would tell me.”



“I was so love struck, I looked her up on Facebook. I looked through her pictures, and her past statuses. I spent all day on her profile. Then another, and another. One of my friends came over, and I told him about this woman that I had met, and how we were going to have so many children. When I told him the name, he said that it sounded familiar to him, and asked if I had any pictures I could show him. Naturally, I told him I had a plethora of pictures of her, and pulled up her Facebook profile yet again. As soon as he saw her picture, his face turned a deep white.”



“What is wrong? I had asked him. He told me that she was a top of the pay grade American spy working for the CIA, and her latest mission was to kill me. I just brushed him off as crazy. Later that night, after he had left, I received a call. It was her. She had asked to meet me in 3 days behind the pet shop where we had first met. I was so ecstatic! Words couldn’t describe it.”

“As the days went by, I began to think more and more of what my friend had said, and I began to worry. I had to somehow prove my love for her, and convince her I love her before she was able to get around to killing me. I had to be very nimble and sly about what I did, but also completely open. It was to be a task.”
“The day had come, the day I was to meet her. I headed towards the pet shop. As I approached, I heard noises, like a fight was going on. I ran to the back of the pet shop, only to see the girl I loved, fighting with 4 large muscular men. She had knocked one pretty hard just as I rounded the corner. I stayed back, so that none of them saw me. I was a chicken, for this was a reason that I did not like urban environments. She looked like she was gaining on them though. If I was to be in a relationship with this woman, this is something that I would have to get used to.”

“The 3 men were sweating and bleeding really hard, and the other one was up against the wall. I was cheering for her in my heart! Then I realized that I would not stand a chance in defending myself from her. If she wanted me dead, I would be dead. I had to figure out a way to show my love for her, and it had to be good, and do the job justice the first time around. I looked back to the man against the wall. That’s when I noticed.”



“He had pulled out a gun, and was aiming it right for her head! It was already loaded. I had to move fast. I began to run towards her in full sprint. The 3 men looked towards me, surprised looks on their faces. I thought to myself, as I prepared myself for the possibility of me dying, that this was going to be the perfect way to convince her that I loved her. Take a bullet for her, she would have to believe that I love her then. The men backed up. She saw me now, recognition on her face, as she realized that it was me. But it didn’t look like it had clicked what exactly was happening. Only a foot away, I saw muscles tense up in my peripheral vision. I assumed it was the final preparation to pull the trigger. I began to leap.”

“Bang! I was only millimetres away from taking a shot to the shoulder. Millimetres. Just a few millimetres made the difference between life and death. If I had been milliseconds sooner in my sprint, it would have hit my shoulder. Instead, it hit my Jugular. Blood began to spurt everywhere. The four men ran away, as the lady got distracted with me. Why did you do that for me, she asked, as I was gasping for breath, feeling light headed, and losing feeling in my head. I had enough breath for my final words back to her, which were, because I love you.”

And then after he said that, I returned back to the CIA headquarters, and have now given you his entire testimony. The job has been done, Diego is dead,” states Sophia, an American spy working for the CIA, whose most recent mission was to kill a Russian man who lived in the Swiss Alps, with the name Diego. After her statement, she walked out of the room, out to her car, and drove off, towards her boyfriend’s house, in the Rocky Mountains.