Thank You for Attending this Mandatory Rally in My Honor

Day 5,077, 18:28 • Published in USA USA • by What A Guy


Thank you, everyone, for attending this mandatory rally.

We stand here in the square surrounded by banners depicting our greatest Party leaders, comrades of renown like Mark Valshannar, Jude Connors, and Lysander Spooner II, whose deeds, whatever they may have been, will never be forgotten.

With a gimlet eye on history, I am here to announce that I am running for re-election as the Party President and Chairman of the Socialist Freedom Party. (Pause, as long as necessary, for cheering.)

We have been through much together. When you first selected me as your Chairman, the Party was in disarray, leaderless and lost. Almost immediately, the United States was invaded by the corrupt forces of CODE and wiped from the map.


Harrowing footage of the war on the streets of America

An unlikely savior found his moment; President Herr Vootsman valiantly devoted himself, though at great cost to his remaining brain cells, to our relentless war strategy. At times it seemed hopeless, but there was always another rally, another round. Vootsman led us through these disastrous times into the comfortable agricultural pursuits we know today. I am proud to have served as his Minister of Defense during this Great War, a position I continue to hold with his successor, President Thee Dude.

Along the way, my Party cabinet has been instrumental in assisting me, both by providing direct support to my efforts, and by vehemently undermining them and thereby giving me the fervor to crush their petty opposition.

I want to take this time to introduce and thank my team, who have been with me since the beginning.

Vice President shiloh13 is the commander of our military arm, the Bear Cavalry. Among his many heroic sacrifices for Party, his soldier brothers, and our nation is testing the safety of all ordnance on himself before authorizing it to be deployed on the fields of battle.


shiloh13 in a reflective moment

Councillor PimpDollaz is leader of the Party's Anarcho-Nihilist faction, which gives him license to be pissed about everything, but in a tumultuous and purposeless way. Pimp is always first to offer criticism of anything happening in the eWorld, but just as quick to acknowledge that he is drunk while saying it.


PimpDollaz poses with his fly whip

Spokesman RF Williams has achieved many firsts. He is the first Party spokesman to communicate only whatever he dreams up, without basing it on Party policy. He is the first Party notable to take part in our executive vacation program in deepest Siberia. And today I am proud to announce that he will be the first SFP delegate in outer space, pending the orbital insertion of the very small capsule, Laika II, which he will be volunteering to single-handedly crew. Great strides indeed for Socialism within and without Earth's atmosphere!


Just some of RF Williams's hip meme production

Today I ask you to join me in saluting these three heroes, as well as our Glorious Revolutionary Committee, who make the Socialist Freedom Party what it is, although admittedly it's not all their fault.

I humbly ask for your vote in the election on Friday, October 15.

May Marx save our troops! Long live the SFP revolution!

What A Guy
President and Chairman, Socialist Freedom Party
Minister of Defense, Coalition Government