The Weekend Chuckle

Day 3,532, 11:36 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by Nights0ul

Pot pourri


"The farther back you can look, the farther forward you are
likely to see."

-- Winston Churchill

Jokes

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front
yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking
their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little
girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to
be president someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members,
were standing there so I asked her, "If you were President what would
be the first thing you would do?"

She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow... what a worthy goal!" I said . . . . "But you don't have to wait
until you're president to do that!"

"What do you mean?" she replied.

I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds,
and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the
grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the
$50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in
the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the
work,
and you can just pay HIM the $50?"

I answered, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good
today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity.
I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just
give
away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He told me, 'Thanks.'"

In our local church, before the 9:00 AM mass, the moderator spoke
through
the microphone, "Brothers and Sisters, please take this moment to
silence
your cell phones."

Most of the older ladies of the congregation looked down at their
handbags
and, simultaneously, made the sound, 'SSSSSHH.'"

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.