Gnilraps vows to eliminate Kale if elected to Congress

Day 3,346, 12:27 Published in USA USA by Gnilraps

Day 3346 of the New World
January 17, 2017




It has recently been discovered that Plato is, in fact, responsible for Kale.







The disgusting substance could not have possibly been created by any benevolent creator, leading intrepid newspaperman Gnilraps to conduct extensive research into its genesis. After much research in the deep web, Gnilraps was able to unearth a video of Plato claiming responsibility for the violent attack on humanity known as "Kale".


"Yes, you fools! It was me all along," the dark lord Plato said in the pirated video allegedly caught by master_rg during his recent visit to eRepublik Labs in Bucharest. “Who else do you think could have deceived people into paying tons of money for horrible, overpriced organic kale chips and salads?”

This last verbal salvo was followed by a deep, sinister, malevolent laughter.

Noting Plato's established record for deceiving people into paying tons of money for other horrible, overpriced items such as "packs" and "energy bars", Gnilraps confirmed his assumption that the video was authentic.

Not wasting any time, Gnilraps immediately declared for Congress in the USWP, vowing, "I will work my ass off to remove all kale from our reality. Nobody should ever be confronted with the decision even to have to sniff it, let alone ingest it into his stomach or drink as part of some cruel excuse for a beverage."

"Only Plato, the Father of Lies, could have ever been responsible for fooling anybody into eating this disgusting plant." Gnilraps continued. "He's probably responsible for Quinoa and Kombucha too."

16 Shells strongly recommends that any and all eUSA citizens cast their votes for the USWP slate of candidates, all of whom Gnilraps has sworn to lead in a massive lobby against kale.

"eUSA has done so much for me," exclaimed Gnil, "now this is the least I can do in return. Kale, and its evil mastermind Plato, must be stopped."

"Oh, and no more pumpkin flavored beer either." Gnilraps concluded, essentially guaranteeing that his spot on SCI was secure.







You may now return to your regularly scheduled clicking