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FROM THE OFFICE OF MINISTER OF BEER RUNS, BOTTLE RETURNS, AND THE ENVIRONMENT

For immediate release...

Bienvenue, my friends.



"We will try to assuage the concerns of those Canadians who worry about the bears catching crabs" - TheSocialistChicken, 2020

It is with great pleasure I announce to you, the Canadian people, that I have had a series of good conversations with President Krapis of the United States of America and his administration, though as I opened up two bottles of Glengoolie Blue, I forget the exact wording of the conversations, and we have both come to the consensus that our respective countries polar bear populations are in serious need of protection beyond what climate "scientists" have to this point afforded to them.

Polar Bears are perhaps this country's most cherished of all living mammals, with the notable exception of Beavers, Moose, and TemujinBC, and are indeed the most in need of charitable donations and NGO support, but as those donations and NGO's have not done enough, the government has gotten bigger to address this most pressing and heart-wrenching issue. The Canadian Government is most thankful to the organization "One Polar Bear Too Many", as their donation of Tanks, Unmanned Autonomous Vehicles, and Mine Resistant Armoured Trucks are of most use to fighting the war on polar bear poverty.

In the spirit of international cooperation, on this day of our Plato Day Four Thousand Six Hundred and Fifty Four, we are jointly announcing the creation of a new eCanadian-eUSA crossborder program, S.E.A.L.!



With the support of the Prime Minister and assent of the Governor-General, Beer Runs, Bottle Returns, and Environment Canada has established a new visa program alongside the eAmerican Department of the Interior, the Service for the Employment of All Living Bears, or S.E.A.L... bears.

Dio as our witness, we will elevate these polar bears out of the gripping poverty that they currently live in, and give them the existence that they so desperately deserve, with good high paying jobs.



The Canadian segment of the northern polar bear population will be employed on the Alaskan King Crab Fishing Fleet, based out of Dutch Harbour, Alaska. This will give them the best-paying jobs possible while still able to acclimatize them to a group work setting while maintaining their current climate, because as a Canadian, I know the single worst feeling while travelling is returning and suddenly realizing how the rest of the world feels when they visit... bloody cold.

And to those who worry about the dangers of the industry itself, and the loss of product connected with employing carnivores in Commercial Fishing, I can tell you the Government will do it's utmost to gain the public's trust in this matter. We will try to assuage the concerns of those Canadians who worry about the bears catching crabs.



The American bears have already signed a collective bargaining agreement with TransLink and the Coast Mountain Bus Company in Vancouver to drive public transportation in the lower mainland of British Columbia. Out of a show of respect to our Alaskan Polar Bear brethren, we established the American branch of the program in the closest large Canadian city available to them.

As of the release of this communique, they have already started to receive lessons in Portuguese, and there are reports they have started to develop a taste for Chorizo, Bacalhau, and Port, so the Canadian government is not concerned with the risk of Passenger Consumption that was raised by an angry letter from an angry and out of touch rich person living in the upscale Vancouver neighbourhood of West Point Grey. Why a rich person would be concerned with the gory consumption of passengers on public transport is beyond me.



With the help of our American cousins, we will soon be able to lower the polar bear unemployment rate to below 100%, though there are also unsubstantiated reports out of Whitehorse that the Italians have started hiring polar bears for a massive gelato factory on the banks of the Yukon River. To them, we say, grazie!

Together, we can get these polar bears out of poverty, off of welfare, and unaddicted from harmful stimulants such as methamphetamine, Chinese black-tar heroin, and Starbuck's Nitro Cold Brew. We will give them the skills to thrive in a growing and evolving global economy, whilst showing the naysayers that appointing a businessman and economist to the Environment Portfolio was not a miscarriage of constitutional law or a grossly incompetent move by the federal government.

The Canadian government sincerely thanks our American friends and neighbours for their continued support in light of this national tragedy, and I personally invite President Krapis over to my office for a game of Scotch Pong.