[MoBRBRE] God Save Us All
Day 4,652, 01:21
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Published in Canada 
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by
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by TheSocialistChicken
FROM THE OFFICE OF MINISTER OF BEER RUNS, BOTTLE RETURNS, AND THE ENVIRONMENT
For immediate release...
Bienvenue, my friends.
"Because if even one polar bear succumbs to meth addiction, that is one polar bear too many" - TheSocialistChicken, 2020
Today we begin our endeavour to improve the lives of all Canadians, one beer run and bottle return at a time. Though a small and rather insignificant task to most Canadians, and perhaps because of it, we overlook one of the greatest tragedies of our lifetimes. The failure to return beer bottles to our local return-it centers.
Every year, millions of drunken and awkward sexual encounters are wasted for a lack of alcohol receptacles. Our task is simple. We at Beer Run, Bottle Return, and Environment Canada strive to live in a world where beer has a happy home before consumption, while also completing all points of our mandate with as little effort possible.
As such, today, Day Four Thousand Six Hundred and Fifty-One, I as Minister of Beer Runs, Bottle Returns, and the Environment hereby announce the implementation of a brand new program of the eCanadian government. I introduce to you, POLAR CARE!
With the absolute authority my portfolio commands, I order that all bottle deposits are no longer refundable, and instead all money from bottle deposits instead of being paid back to Canadians is diverted to Polar Care, which in my opinion is like Medicare, but somehow improved with bears.
I as your Minister of Beer Runs, Bottle Returns, and the Environment urge you to return your bottles, for the money raised by this move will be put towards helping at-risk polar bear youth, whose vaping and meth habits are a moral stain on the fabric of this great country.
Though I've never mentally evaluated a polar bear, as Environment Minister, I have the moral fortitude to allude to the fact all polar bears are currently living under the eCanadian poverty line, as prejudice against polar bears has led to an unemployment rate among our polar bear population of 100%. That unemployment rate is unforgivable, and as we do not have the finances to supply all those polar bears with EI cheques, we must do our utmost to ensure that our polar bears are not left out in the cold.
As such, we will be investing heavily in cheesy PSA's to highlight the plight of our fluffy friends. We are in talks with several video production firms to produce some thirty-second spots for the CBC, but we are yet to find a video production team sober enough to take on the endeavour.
Because, they are not just bears, they are Canadians. Their lives must be protected, because if even one polar bear succumbs to meth addiction, that is one polar bear too many.
If we cannot protect our most vulnerable at-risk polar bear youth, then god save us all.
And rest assured these large amounts of Canadian tax dollars are being spent wisely. This is what happens when a mildly successful economist and businessman is elevated to the environment portfolio.
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i was unaware of this devastating bear problem. It really speaks volumes that our current leadership pretends this doesn't exist. Shame!
I'm announcing a new non-governmental organization: 1PB2M (One Polar Bear Too Many) to assist with this issue.
As Minister of Finance, I grant you charitable organization status. This does three things for 1PB2M.
1. It allows for property tax exemptions on all land used for the purposes of this charitable organization.
2. It allows for a 50% rebate of the GST spent on all purchases made on behalf of this charitable organization.
3. It allows for all who donate to this charitable organization the opportunity to receive higher tax refunds and tax rebates
But still no money back on bottle returns. Your contributions to vulnerable polar bears in poverty are much appreciated.
The Chochi Government takes this issue very seriously, as evidenced by the creation of the Polar Care program.
Further, the need is so great that we have decided to establish Polar Care as a separate government agency, renamed Bear Care, so are not to discriminate against other bears in need of assistance.
TheSocialistChicken is appointed as temporary Chair and Tenderheart of Bear Care until a permanent head can be found. Stay tuned, sports fans!
We at The Canadian Baguette had always been amongst the first to ring the bell about this terrible issue and had been reporting for weeks about the valiant efforts from our italian friends in Yukon to foster young polar bears from difficult households and to fight the rampant unemployment rate amongst our northern ursidae resident (wich is not 100% like in the rest of the country thanks to the opening of a brand new ice cream factory!)
Know that this noble cause will always have a friend in The Canadian Baguette and that we are ready to help to our upmost capability.
Amen and thank you for your contribution to the profession of journalism with your hard-hitting editorials
lol
The widespread use of opiods and illicit drugs among the Canadian bear community is indeed tragic. We even lost former CP nea milosu to this scourge (or his desire to quit this stupid game and focus on real life/other endeavours - I'm not really sure)!
Did a similar situation happen with Penguin? 😮
I tell myself that he just went home to Antarctica. It's hard being so far from family, you know?
THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!
~hyuu~