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FROM THE OFFICE OF MINISTER OF BEER RUNS, BOTTLE RETURNS, AND THE ENVIRONMENT

For immediate release...

Bienvenue, my friends.



"Bears will never be truly equal in this country until one is playing professional hockey" - TheSocialistChicken, 2020

The meetings in my office with President Krapis have gone swimmingly, and he is currently standing at well under par for the difficulty of the beer pong course involved.

In our talks, we have addressed several of the historical grievances of the polar bears, including but not limited to; being hunted for sport, eaten, not being seen as cute and cuddly, and failure by the bears to file annual tax returns. Beer Runs, Bottle Returns, and Environment Canada is still working with the US Department of the Interior to work on these issues, but progress has been stellar.

Also, as part of the international campaign to fight poverty among our polar bears, we have commissioned a 15-second PSA spot to run in Canadian Media. It is entitled "DINNER BELL"



The overarching feeling of the bilateral cooperation has been successful, and we are pleased to report that our bears are thriving in Dutch Harbour. There have been some more angry letters from wealthy Vancouver residents about the risk of the Alaskan bears eating passengers on Transit Buses, but recently the letters have stopped and the writers have disappeared, which is absolutely a coincidence, and totally unrelated from the risk of the bears eating their passengers.

Besides the missing and possibly brutally eaten rich people, there is more good news.



As of the release of this communique, Day Four Thousand Six Hundred and Sixty Three, new data from the Department of Finance, led by the honourable Mann551, reports that Polar Bear Unemployment is now at 99.34%, the lowest rate in eCanadian history!

It has also been reported from the Minister of Finance that T4 tax form requests from polar bears are up a staggering 12000%, from zero to 120 since the introduction of the S.E.A.L. program.

Although we have taken the biggest step in easing the poverty of these fine creatures in our nation's history, there is still more to do.



We can fight unemployment, and we can fight unwarranted releases of UI money to mammals without opposable thumbs, but we can not fight the stigma against polar bears in the workforce without a drastic overhaul of our culture as a community.

As such, on this date, we are announcing another brand new program, B[E]AR DOWN!



We are collaborating with schools in the United States and Canada in an effort to sort bears into hockey lines, as to assimilate them into organized sports, a luxury until this point unaffordable to lower-middle-class polar bear families. In Canada, the program will be administered at Bruck University of St. Thomas, Ontario, so soon even polar bears can join in that school's famous battle cry "Bruck Me? Bruck U!".

We are still talking to the United States government as to which university will take part in integrating polar bears into varsity sports, though we have already ruled out Florida State, as besides the climate, we do not wish for polars bears to join forces with meth gators, or the very fabric of the universe may unwind.

We as a people must fight this stigma of polars bears holding jobs in this society, and especially the stigma of polar bears sharing ice with the world's best hockey players, because bears will never be truly equal in this country until one is playing professional hockey.