Troll 3

Day 2,387, 13:56 • Published in Ireland Lithuania • by Alan Snape

You all probably have heard of „Troll 2“ but today we will talk about „Troll 3“. Yes, you read it right, Troll 3, or sometimes known as Creepers, Contamination .7, Troll III: Contamination Point 7, or The Crawlers

In the beginning… There is this truck ride which last like forever along with some tense music, and then suddenly you see a bus and disco. Two girls talk and one says she has to go to toilet on the gas station even though she made her no.1. five minutes ago. Bus goes away without her, then she reacts like a bitch yet at the same time the other girl she was talking with 10 minutes ago feels nothing weard about the bus leaving without he new friend. By the way, the worker on the gas station reminds me of that guy from “Manos”. Now there is this guy who is 16 and already engaged. Then you see an ultra modern factory in the middle of nothing.

The first character who dies in the movie dies without a proper reason. Her acting abilities, just like others actors ability in this movie is somewhere between a black whole and a redneck ameba that lost her only cell. Brother and sister in this movie are playing roles: I dont give a hot thing for this movie, and (I dont give a hot thing for this movie)x2. Then we have one +18 scene (or +21 if you are from USA) but nothing really interesting, imPORNant happens. Oh yes, and then te first real horror scene happens in the middle of the day. And that scene is so realistic that you start thinking about forests, global warming, questions about god, JFK, Elvis ... NOT!!

Now we get in the movie three high class actors: sherrif, a doctor, and Kruger. These three guys are fighting for the shittiest actor award but the winner is a fat assasin and his friend. Oh yes, this movie is paying a tribute to “Grim Weekend” because they were looking for a girl named Susan. There is a very interesting scene with radioactive corpses where nobody is wearing any kind of protection (because they are listening Vuco). Furthermore, caffe bar in that small town (were wolves get f*** from lokal rednecks) is playing the same TV-scene during the whole movie. Yes, we are having one chase scene that started in the morning and finished late that night. Three hours pass during that chase, fat assasin gets strangled but he still somehow manages to scream like a bitch. And then two heroes try the same tactic on trees and try to strangle a tree with their bare hands. Just a normal day in rednecks town I guess… And you are probably wondering how does the main bad guy look like. Well, he has a tash. Enough said. The rest of the movie is paying tribute to some of the worst screen writers idea that you can probably find in Godfrey HO ninja movies. We have one scene where a car is stuck in mud, but when they tried to pull him out, the nearest mud was a 1000 miles norther from their position. In another scene we can see a loving redneck being who feeds a horsie in f*** midnight. At the end we can see random people jumping and waving their hands towards the camera because they know they will be in this movie and get their paycheck.

P.S. please note that review is very tongue in cheek and not serious.


Coming soon: The Andromeda Strain
Don't worry Winston Hope Smith "North remembers!" 🙂