Hampton H. Hampton
Well it’s that time of year again; the Douche Bag of the Year Award is out. It’s that happy time when I tally all the votes from all the times that some has annoyed me, done something stupid, was stupid, is stupid or just gets too over exposed by the media. For twelve years now I handed this baby out and sadly have never gotten so much as a “thank you” from any of the winners. Tisk, tisk, that only get you more douche bag votes.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with this award I’ll tell you about it a bit by displaying the rules that have very rarely, yet often, changed.
I am the only voter for this award.
Only men can win the award, sorry ladies.
The winner has to be a real person, sorry RGR you cannot win this award in eRep, much like you can’t win PotUS in eRep, good luck in RL though.
I can vote at anytime and I can give a vote any numerical value I want. An example is that I give Kanye West 5 votes every time I see or hear the words “Kanye and Kim”
Points are generally given for annoying me, but sometimes handed out for people being stupid.
The votes are tallied by Sheemer, Schlemer and Schleper, CPA accounting firm and guarded by a guy named “Lou” until I make the announcement several hours after the tally is completed.
Lou is a nice guy, like pizza and eats raw eggs. He’s never married and lives at the Marriot on Rt 40 when he is in town to do the security for this prestigious award. He also smells like slim jims.
Before I make the announcement, here is a list of the past winners:
2000 – Ray Lewis
2001 – Kanye West
2002 – Kanye West
2003 – Ray Lewis
2004 – Ray Lewis and Kanye West (tied at nearly 1 million votes each)
2005 – No official winner, I got drunk and lost the final tally, unofficially awarded to Kanye West
2006 – Ray Lewis
2007 – Michael Vick
2008 – Hilary Clinton
2009 – Kanye West
2010 – Ray Lewis
2011 – Jerry Sandusky
Congrats to those folks for being Douche bags, a round of applause please.
Some other Notables that often get votes yet never enough to win a Douche Baggy over the past twelve years – Pee Wee Herman, Reality TV, Miller Lite, Jay Leno, Colonel Sanders, Martin Short, Saddam Hussein, That guy from that annoying car commercial, Anthony J Bruno, The Jersey Shore Cast, Dave Hester, Dion Sanders, Rappers, Cold Play, the Other Mike not Mike Golic from Mike & Mike in the Morning, and panhandlers.
I know what you are thinking, “Some of those things are not real people and so they though not be getting votes.” Well, I never said they could not get votes, they just can’t win. Also, you just got a vote for questioning my voting system.
This year there was a lot of compettion; perennial All-Stars Kanye West and Ray Lewis have seen some new comers take their award as of late and worked very hard to get it back this year. They both got a lot of votes but neither was able to pull it off, although they should not feel bad since the voting for next year starts Saturday and they both already have several hundred votes.
No, this year’s Douche Bag of the Year 2012 goes to none other than Ole Lance “One Nut” Armstrong. Too many lies to kids with cancer will win you a Douche Baggy every time. He used PED’s extensively to win the hearts of millions which is simply a no no. However, I find it funny that a bunch of people in the sport of riding a bike are coming out saying that Lance intimidated and threatened them. Really? He’s 80 pounds; they tie his feet to the bike so the wind does not blow him off of it.
It’s sad really that an American hero is dashed to the ground like this guy, how does one have faith in a hero when they do things like this? The sport of bike riding has a long way to go to recover.
Anyway, congrats on being DBotY Lance, you can put this Douche baggy on your mantle an know that I will not be taking it away, unlike all those other awards that people seem to want back.
Tune in a tear or so from now and find out who will win for 2013, it could be Ray Lewis, Kanye West, the NHL, Bob Barker, you’re mom or even YOU!
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