[UKRP] A wide open space (....or why TUP suck)

Day 3,382, 14:18 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by WookieO



I’m in a wide open space…

“Someone once asked me why I joined the UK Reform Party,” droned WookieO, picking at a stubborn piece of beef that was lodged in his teeth, “I told them…I was drawn in, like a fly to one of those buzzing, blue, fly catching, extermination chambers that you hang out on your patio to remind yourself of the brevity of life.”

The hairy marvel was speaking ahead of his inauguration into the UKRP hall of fame and had time to reflect on a series of fortunate incidents that led him to the hallowed halls of the eUK’s finest political institution.

“My big break came when Capitano Chaz Beardo saw something in me and brought me into the Skatalites’ fold. There I was nurtured by such greats as Chaz himself, WayneKerr and the wonderful Leo Balzac.” Wook grinned, “Ah, happy times…I was young, innocent and so damn happy to be alive in those days. How times have changed, eh?”

The fur covered friend of the eUK then turned his attention to the darker side of our fine nation’s politics.

“The so-called Unity Party!” he spat, a grimace darkening his usually beautiful visage, “They begged me to join after I destroyed them in the now famous CP elections of September 2013. The TUP candidate, Talon Karrde, was far too arrogant and with a Skatalite candidate as his only real opposition, he thought he had an easy campaign ahead. How wrong was he!?!?”

“With some superb support from a number of other parties, I roared to victory!” Wook beamed, a rather audible emission of flatulence reverberating from his backside as he pumped the air with his furry fist, “Those TUPpers never knew what hit ‘em and really this was the beginning of the end for the party which was home for evil, horrendously ugly, anti-eUK terrorists* such as Iain ‘Tears For’ Keers, Kravenn and Dan Moir.”

*There is absolutely no evidence that any of those three TUPpers were evil, ugly or anti-eUK terrorists, but on the other hand there’s no evidence that they weren’t either.







“Time passed and I realised I wanted more than fun, access to unlimited alcohol and a bevy of beautifully hirsute ladies to choose from each night,” WookieO’s eyes glazed over as he recalled the heady days of the Skatalites, “Yes, I found out I could get all of that and more in the UKRP!”


So damn sexy…


Since then the eUK’s hairiest ex-CP has been a stalwart of the Reform Party, winning a second term as Country President in September 2014, making his voice heard in Congress numerous times and generally being wonderful for the good of the nation.

“It’s not been an easy ride though,” the Adonis revealed, “No, we’ve had our ups and downs too. Being in a party that is so much better than any other is hard. We’ve had so many great members over the years it’s impossible to name them all, but obviously I’m up there at the top. You could even say there's a wide open space between the UKRP and the rest.”

“What is clear to everyone however is how much we need to make sure TUP know they suck.” Wook proclaimed, “They suck more than the latest Dyson. It’s even been said that they suck more than AMD on a Saturday night out with the lads, but that’s hard to believe.”


Who ya gonna call? Not TUP! That’s for sure…





A wide open space is taken from Wook Memoirs released in all good book shops in 2013, but recalled after it was found that page 38 of every copy held small traces of LSD ingrained in a picture [of WookieO and WayneKerr engaged in an explicit sexual act] and for some bizarre reason most readers were compelled to lick said picture, resulting in the intoxication of the 26 people who admitted purchasing this glorious tome and suffering the acid fuelled consequences.

RADC Publishing which commissioned and printed the biography, maintain to this day that they have no idea how this unfortunate act occurred. However during the criminal trials brought against WookieO and RADC Publishing, a Mr Z K Psychopath and Mr R Feist both broke down in uncontrollable fits of giggles when attempting to give evidence defending RADC. Both Wook and RADC were eventually found not guilty of any of the numerous charges brought against them, although a shadow resides over the whole debacle after a number of brown envelopes were seen changing hands during the trials.

Mr S Ambo who defended WookieO has vehemently protested his innocence at the time and ever since, claiming the brown envelopes merely contained some rather kinky jazz mags.