SCIENTIFIC PROOF

Day 5,339, 17:45 • Published in USA USA • by Socialist Freedom Party
SCIENTIFIC PROOF that SFP ROCKS

eRep Day 5340
Song of the week: Going to New York




EXCITING HEADLINE

After the fateful reveal in our previous edition (i.e, that President Kody is probably actually maybe or maybe not a reincarnation of the infamous ginger SEES e-terrorist Tom McDougal, an accusation that has never been refuted!!!) the editors of Onward! had to go into deep hiding out of fear for retribution from the SEES sleeper agents lurking amongst us.

Either that, or they've been hanging out at the beach soaking up some rays and playing the guitar. We're not entirely sure which. Anyhoo. They've now returned to active duty here on the ramparts of the revolutionary press!



Pause for thunderous applause.




And they have once again recurited your most intrepid, eternally faithful and super handsome reporter to slay all the news that fits concerning the revolutionary party that dares to rock the only international e-social movement that rhymes with orgasm: the one and only Socialist Freedom Party, the turbo-super-charged engine-core of the e-Global Anarcho-Syndicalist Movement!








IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

By a convincing margin, in an internal poll the SFP endorsed Paul Proteus of the Federalist Party for the next President of the e-United States of Asteria. We haven't always agreed with Paul on absolutely everything at all times for all of e-history. Heck, we seldom agree with ourselves about much of anything. But some of us are thinking he would make a pretty good CP. He's wicked funny, likes engaging with people, and wants to try to make this long-snore dead-as-a-doorstop New World more lively.

Vote your conscience, of course. But consider voting for Proteus. Remember: he's the candidate who believes eRepublik is like ice cream -- we need to enjoy it before it melts.







ALLURING OFFER

Before getting attacked by red baiters, then getting all sci-fied and CGI'd, and finally run over by marvelous yet doggedly copied, unoriginal super-heroical knock-offs, Hollywood used to produce some genuinely dangerous and soul-searching stuff.

Well. The SFP's housing program is like that. Experience Level under 100? Member of the SFP? Then you are eligble for a FREE Q2 house, my friend! This offer of free socialist stuff is made possible by mutual aid enthusiast Leon Gutierrez, and a generous grant from the SFP Co-op.

Watch for Leon's announcement in the party feed for further instructions. Yes, it's dangerously satisfiying!







REAL WORLD HOO-HA

With the impending arrest and imprisonment for seditious conspiracy and inciting murderous riot of the ketchup-squirting, dish-throwing, tantrum-bawling tiny-handed, doubly-impeached, criminally-inclined former Traitor in Chief, it has become apparent that the party he hijacked it to turn the Oval Office into a personal profit center by preying on the fears and anxieties of the dumbest among us is facing a conundrum.

Even horrifying ethical and moral train wrecks like the governors of Northern Mexico and the Flowery State don't come close to having the kind of large-scale demented fan base that catapulted Captain Tiny Hands into the White's House.

But never fear, amigos. Murka is ever-resourceful and full of technological wonders. We have discovered that a very special kind of "election laboratory" located just a few miles outside of Grand Junction, Colorado has been working on resusitating the corpse of the 40th President and Hollywood laughing-stock, Ronald McDonald Reagan.

Is a drooling, brain-eating, living-dead zombie even eligible to run for President? Especially if he already served two terms while alive? Should zombie-Reagan return, then such questions will probably end up in the hands of the Supremos.

At a recent convention of the Stepinfetchit Memorial Fund, Justice-Uncle Clarence Thomas was quoted as saying: "There is nothing in the Constitution forbidding the election of a zombie. And clearly, anyway, the 22nd Amendment should not apply to Republicans who don't like it, especially Massah Reagan, who never-ever liked it, no suh." His remarks were greeted with much applause, slaps-on-the-back, and "attaboys" from the all-white crowd hunkered down at Michael Flynn's undergound bunker, an obscure entertainment venue humorously referred to as "The Fifth" by its patrons.








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