Britannia’s letter to Ireland

Day 980, 06:48 • Published in Ireland United Kingdom • by Sir Humphrey Appleby

Northern Ireland has been conquered by the United Kingdom.

Sir_Scott_Williamson: you irish now??
Sir_Humphrey_Appleby: Read the bloody article

As his Britannic Majesty, King Stephen Fry I’s Press Secretary, I am delighted to announce that, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of Ireland and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.



His Majesty King Steven Fry I will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Cork, which he does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister, Iain Keers, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been too drunk to know that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for Ireland without the need for further elections. The Irish Dáil Éireann and Seanad Éireann will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:-

1- You will stop drinking the awful stuff that is Guinness. You will learn to drink bitter instead. Bitter is a much more nourishing drink that tastes as beer should be, whereas Guinness tastes like it’d just been dug up from the ground. And it looks like it, too. Irish Cider will be permitted to stay, however there will be a restriction on the 85% spirits you make from potato skins. That’s just nasty.

2- In light of the fact your country’s citizenship is dominated by silly Americans, your language shall become English [U.K.]. Should you fail to pass a language test held in 2 months time, you will be deported to Siberia. Additionally, burgers will be made of lean beef; which should eventually rid your country of the Yankee menace. A song shall be commissioned to commemorate the 1814 burning of the white house.

3- As you seem so intent on controlling Northern Ireland, Belfast shall become the capitol of Ireland. In order to ensure that you don’t try blowing the place up, all bombs are hereby banned, punishable by setting off the detonator in your own house. The SAS shall occasionally breath-analyse you to make sure you haven’t got too drunk to regain your confidence again.

4- Irish history shall be rewritten not just to paint the British garrisons as nice people, but to actually tell the truth. Contrary to popular belief in Ireland; we do not dye our Redcoats in the blood of innocent civilians. And the reason we have the ability to talk coherently is not because we suck the intelligence out of your rabble rousers. They do a good job of it on their own.

5- The Irish Aristocracy shall be reintroduced, and occupied by all former members of the British House of Lords. They will be the local dictators of different regions and breeding shall be encouraged to try and make the newer generations more intellectual. Considering the fact you consider a hero to be somebody with a broken bottle and higher than George Michael, the lower classes shall be culled every year.

6- All Irish independence propaganda films shall be recalled and destroyed. Instead, British Propaganda films shall be introduced. These will include a brave local hero joining the Army, and fending off some pesky American spies on the coast. As you seem convinced that alcohol is the answer, it will feature the hero knocking a Canadian out with an empty bottle of bitter.

7- All Leprechauns will be shot. Your current economic policy of trying to find midgets with pots of gold will be replaced with the British Minister of Finance. Maybe then you’ll learn how to run a decent economy that isn’t dependent on the end of a rainbow.



Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day!

Final Joke

This one’s a traditional Irish toast..

“Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!”

Yours, as always,


Sir Humphrey Appleby SAS, QC, GCB, KBE, MVO, MA (Oxon) - UKRP Leadership
Prime Ministerial Press Secretary and Judicial Appellate.