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“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies”
-Groucho Marx

Good afternoon all, very sorry for the masses of time between this and my last article. I’ve decided to fire up the old Civil Service engine again with an interview with the eUnited Kingdom’s CP hopeful Jamesw, fighting for another term against incumbent GGRyan. For those regular readers outside the eUK that couldn’t care less, I leave you this funny picture of a woman that knows how to look after herself:-



Sir Humphrey: Hey Jamesw; thanks for agreeing to be interviewed. Let’s start off with a nice and easy one – what do you consider your greatest contribution in the eUnited Kingdom?

Jamesw: Every country needs someone to blame. No, on a serious note, I think that my biggest contributions have come when I wasn't actually president; which is a pretty weird answer, but during my term as Vice President (in Keers's presidency) I think that was probably the most productive the UK has been, and ever will be. My contributions to that, as well as my memories of it, are definitely the biggest contribution that I've done, as well as the most fun I've had.

Sir Humphrey: So which was it, during Keers' term in Number 10, was your most productive?

Jamesw: I was pretty much active in everything that the UK di😛 I helped in most ministries, as well as keeping a firm grasp within Phoenix, so whilst ministers did a hell of a lot, as did Keers, I was sort of like the oil that just kept all the cogs ticking over so well.

Sir Humphrey: So you would consider yourself a natural leader in a managerial role?

Jamesw: I think that the main attribute I have which makes a good leader is definitely the decisive gene. It can be my greatest downfall in terms of relationships with people, because I'm such a stubborn (expletive), but it also means that throughout a month I can offer the consistency and governance that the role really demands.

Sir Humphrey: I suppose the greatest demand on this trait was when you had to take over the reins from JB a few months ago?

Jamesw: The whole JB "fiasco" definitely epitomised the way things can go when you have someone as stubborn as me involved, however, looking back I have a few regrets in regard to the way I went about things leading up to JB's resignation, but I'm pretty sure with hindsight JB would understand why I took the position I did.

Sir Humphrey: I'm sure he would; most individuals in his position would be more than exhausted by the on-going unavoidable disasters in that term (a ‘locus deperditus’ of sorts). Now, I see you’ve adopted Kevy as your potential VCP again. What qualities in him stood out in this selection?

Jamesw: I think that you need someone you can trust as VP, because in effect, you're giving them the role of covering for you when you aren't on and they are; so the qualities I was looking for was someone who was capable enough to cope on their own, whilst simultaneously having a different approach to things. Having someone who is much more "likeable" than yourself will really help you in the long run; because it makes you see things from a whole different perspective. Quite simply, because I genuinely believe that he is the best man for the job.

Sir Humphrey: Selecting Kevy, however, made your campaign predominately TUP rather than a collective of different parties. Would you consider yourself to be bipartisan in terms of party politics coming into these elections?

Jamesw: I am a huge fan of party politics, because it gives new faces a chance to get on the political scene; most of the prominent people the UK has today would not be here if it weren't for all the diligent work that parties like TUP and UKRP do in regard to recruitment. As for people casting partisan aspersions upon my decision, I think that my past choices for VP, as well as ministers, shows that anyone who tries to call me partisan, is someone who clearly has no idea what the word actually means: I am a meritocrat by nature, and what logo is next to your "political activity" has no bearing on me; I only care if you are competent.

Sir Humphrey: So we can expect to see a variety of different Minister's from different political parties then?

Jamesw: I genuinely have no idea about ministers yet. I've pretty much got the positions I want, and their roles, as for who will be occupying the cabinet office: that all depends on applications. But one thing that people can expect, is that I will judge applicants based on competency, not politics.

Sir Humphrey: Your governments in the past have been quite large in comparison to others; how many cabinet posts do you expect to have; and what new developments will you introduce should you get elected?

Jamesw: There will be 8 ministries this term: MoHA, MoComms, MoFA, MoLA, MoF, MoProfit, MoTech and MoTrade.

Sir Humphrey: I am sad to see no Civil Service :3

Jamesw: Actually that’s something I've thought about. As in the past, I will be reporting directly, to the public, and I will be encouraging more ministerial-congressional dialogue, so the tasks will be done by individual ministers, as well as myself. I think that providing an insight into government is a task that all government should put forward; not just a chosen few. Through insight we have accountability, and through accountability we have good government.

Sir Humphrey: Given the current voting status on the 'Superiority Act', can you trust Congress to be competent enough to handle these reports, especially after the witch hunts following the recent Military hacks?

Jamesw: I think that with a proper look into the workings of government, we can expect a competent, as well as an informed, congress. As for the congress-military problems; this is a result of months of no military information: for which every president since Woldy must take responsibility for.

Sir Humphrey: GGRyan has announced a scheme to allow Congress to elect their own 'Speaker'; your thoughts have been mainly underwhelming on such an idea - why is this?

Jamesw: I did it myself in the past - It doesn't last 🙂. The last speaker we had was Malta, after that, we just reverted back to MoLA.

Sir Humphrey: So Congress can't really be trusted to look after itself without a Ministerial Appointment?

Jamesw: I wouldn't say that, I just think that having someone outside of the congressional structure ensures that there can be a much more organised, as well as useful, congress. MoLA is there to look after congress, as well as inform them, after all.

Sir Humphrey: Our new congress has plenty of MPs that have little governmental experience. How would you encourage them to get involved in government?

Jamesw: I think that parties, as well as ministries, have a role to play here. Personally, I would like to bring in a public fisting bill, where anyone who refuses to help government will be fisted publically, by our resident sexual deviant, Frerk. Other than that, I'd just pester people into compliance.

Sir Humphrey: Sounds mildly draconian, but if it does the job, I see no reason why not.

Jamesw: It'll also give Frerk his dirty dutch kicks; so we're also saving countless UK citizens from his habitual deviancy.

Sir Humphrey: Final question: Do you ever think Baroness Margaret Thatcher shall become CP?

Jamesw: I really hope so, she has wonderful ideas on retention; a Q1 hospital is half the price of a Q2, y'know!

Sir Humphrey: Thanks for the interview; I should be interviewing GGRyan over the next few days 😁.



Final Joke

I've just phoned my senile old Gran and told her to be careful because there have been reports of strange evil children trying to break into people's homes in her area. She told me that she'll load the gun and keep it by the front door just in case.

I ******* love Halloween.

Yours, as always,


Lt. Col. Sir Humphrey Appleby MP, CS, MiD, SAS, QC, GCB, KBE, MVO, MA (Oxon)
Cabinet Secretary for the eUK
Former British Minister of Foreign Affairs and Trade