WHPR [Day 1,048] - Lionking

Day 1,048, 18:23 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room
Lionking, again.

Honestly, I really should just write one of these with fill in the blanks. Hey America, (America/China/North Corea) is attacking Lionking. The battle ends during (American/European/Chinese) primetime. Be there. Etc. etc.

I really would do it, but I really don’t like wasting time. It’ll be a waste of time because we won’t need to write about this again. Because we’re going to win. I’m staking my considerable journalistic integrity on this. Now, the new war mod gives us a shot at winning this. EDEN and its allies are spread out over several time zones, allowing us to have a shot at the majority of the mini battles.

This is the number one priority. Let me put it this way, Zooey Deschanel tells you how badly she wants you, how you’re unlike any guy she’s met before. Ignore dat sweet, sweet, woman and fight here.

Now, I’ve got a series of instructions for those of you who want to help America (ie: Those who aren’t pig disgusting heathens of every sort.)

1.) Fight in the last 20 minutes of the minibattle if possible. If you must, you can fight earlier than that, but fighting in the last 20 minutes is the most beneficial thing for us. Do it. I’ll have your babies if you do.

Now for the more complex, in depth steps. It really does help if you follow these. Trust me.

2.) Move to China.
3.) Fight in Lionking until you’re down to 10-13 health.
Skip steps 4-6 currently. Either the hospital has been drained or there is something about the way hospitals slot that we don't understand.
4.) Move to Pakistan. Praise Dio while you’re there, walking upon the blessed sands.
5.) Move to Serbia, specifically the Liaoning region. Heal in the hospital there. This gives you an extra fight, plus wears down the Serbian hospital. I know you might be concerned about the quality of care available, but trust me the Serbian care is extremely sub-par. So, they just give you lots of painkillers instead. That actually makes it worth it, tbh.
6.) Move back to China through an appropriate country (AKA, Pakistan).
End skipping. We now return to your regularly scheduled instructions that you must follow to the letter.
7.) Eat pot-stickers to get your health back up. Wait till the end of mini battle.
8.) Fight more, like your choice action hero. In my case, I choose Elmer Fudd, the heroic American standing up to PETA and its nefarious liberal agenda.
9.) Go back to Lionking, get health. Come on back.
10.) Fight your health down to 20.

That is how you do it. I devised that entire strategy on my own, by the way. I’m that good.

If you need tickets or weapons to help accomplish said strategy, fill out this form. Please don’t fill it out if you’re in the military however. You’ll be getting your own fancy weapons that us civvies have to play Call of Duty to pretend we have.

Follow the Department of Defense orders here and be sure to vote them up so the little kiddies that read 2 articles a day know what to do. They’re p dumb.

Secretary’s note: Just kidding. If Zooey wants you, you are in absolutely no position to resist. Obey your queen. Besides, you’d obey her anyway. Don’t you lie to me. Also, only fgts use images in WHPRs.

Don’t hate me,

Kentel
Best White House Press Release writer of all time. Of all time.