There may be dragons

Day 4,580, 20:48 • Published in USA USA • by KingTaco

When I walked outside today, I noticed something strange.

The fact that I went outside.

Tyler doesn't really let me outside of his basement anymore. I am as white as a ghost and as horny as a cactus. I haven't felt the touch of a woman since they tied me up and forced me to eat a burrito, and that may have been Paul Protus' hand. The basement is cold, dark, and spooky. My best friend is a ghost, his name is s̶̱̓͌t̸̙̕e̶̛̙̥̝̍́͝p̵̼̅h̶̨̦̖͔̆͌̄͘e̵̡̹̯͙̊̽̐n̶̙͙͑̌! He's a pretty cool dude, occasionally gives me snuggles when I am cold. 10/10 would get haunted again.

Anywho, I went outside. As I walked down the street, passing the strange red balloon floating down the sidewalk, the clown in the bush, and the far more scary Raccoon digging through the trash of Hubert's house I realized that I was still in the basement, but the hallucinogenic substance had finally kicked in! Bet you didn't expect that. Truthfully, I blame society for my shortcomings. If it weren't for the economic downfall we were facing, I may have been able to afford my own apartment, and I wouldn't need the sweet comfort of s̶̱̓͌t̸̙̕e̶̛̙̥̝̍́͝p̵̼̅h̶̨̦̖͔̆͌̄͘e̵̡̹̯͙̊̽̐n̶̙͙͑̌ or the substance abuse problem I don't have at all.

Let's all be honest for a moment here, Tyler scares me. The noises that I hear upstairs all hours of the night send shivers down even my best friend's endoplasmic spine. I'm not even sure if that's the right word, but it does. This one time I heard Tyler and another woman playing the Wii. THE WII. Like seriously, Tyler, it's 2020. Play the Ouya like the rest of us.
You may be wondering what the point of this article is. Well, up to this point, it has been to waste your time. After this point, its to waste your time. Win-win situation, really.

When I summoned the Dragon, after a long battle mind you, he looked at me. The Dragon and I were the only two left on the battlefield, my armor was weak, and my sword was on the edge of being destroyed. Just a sliver of HP left after looking at the status indicator bar in my inventory. I lung at the Dragon with all my might, yelling at the top of my lungs - sword ready for an epic battle. The Dragon, let's call him Fred, proceeds to eat me. One solid gulp and I was gone.

This is why you shouldn't battle Dragons.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, it been great.

KingTaco

Edit: Don't forget to buy a house: https://www.erepublik.com/en/economy/marketplace/offer/66868890 Seriously. Go. Now. Please. I don't want all these houses.