Monkeys 2 year B-day Competition
Day 1,438, 23:19
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Published in Canada 
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by
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by Rylde
Ima keep it simple and ima keep it short. Cause i drank alot of beer watchin the Oil take down the Aves.
Monkey wants a joke for his B-day.
Something that makes him laugh as he pounds on his typewriter.
Best joke wins
100 Q5 Tanks &
100 Q5 Food
Monkey picks the winner sunday.
Secondary prize is guess a number between 1-100 winner gets 2 gold.
Monkeys lucky number will be revealed on sunday as well.
No one can win both.
For those that will eventually rule us.
The Monkeys.
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Oh dear [Monkey] God....
This should be interesting.
George and Pauline move into the same retirement home and both happen to be widowers. Happily, they notice that they attend the same events and share many interests. Which...leads to a potentially romantic relationship.
Pauline sits George down one day and says, "My dearest, I'm very excited about what could happen here but there is one thing I must tell you."
George says, "What is it honey?"
Paulina, very carefully says, "I have Acute Angina."
George replies, "Well that good...because your legs aren't that great. "
A crusty old man walks into a bank & says, "I wanna open a fucking saving account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg ur pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated here."
She goes to the bank manager to complain. Manager agrees such foul language can't be accepted.
They both return to the window & ask the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
Old man: "There is no fucking problem, I just won $200 million bucks in the fucking lottery & I want to put my fucking money in this fucking bank.”
Manager: "I see, And is this bitch giving u a fucking hard time sir?"
What type of key loves eating bananas?
A monkey.
How did the Newfie find his sister in the forest?
Not bad
What's common between Caps Lock and the jail?
They both make your o looks O.
Funny how no one is guessing a number for a shot at 2 gold.
37 😛
51
89
42
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Also: 69, yeah baby.
A 54 yr old guy goes to the doctor for a problem. The doctor tells him that he will need a sperm sample. He hands the guy a jar.
The guy comes back two days later, and the jar is empty. The doctor ask why that is. The guy responds,
'Well, I tried with my left hand, my right hand, and it didn't work. So I asked my wife, she tried with her left, her right, her mouth: with teeth, without teeth, still didn't work. So we asked the young lady next door-''
At this point the doctor becomes enraged. 'You asked the young lady to help you?!?!?'
'Yes, and she tried left, right, teeth, without teeth, and we STILL couldn't open the friggin bottle!'
21
Online community political issues. There's your fucking joke.
1
Why didn't the skeleton go on the roller-coaster?
Because it didn't have the guts
hardie har har
Happy Birthday Kronos!
When Kronos was a youngster, his older sister went to the principal's office about a class pet.
"I've lost the monkey" she said
"we'll post something on the bulletin board" responded principal
" won't do any good, monkey can't read!"
" We talking about your brother? "
oh and also
76
Too much monkey business in this article for my liking...I suppose though I should stop monkeying around and guess a number.
13
Now someone hand me a monkey wrench...
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
And also: 2
Haven't you guys ever been to a comedy show before? You guys can do better than that ; P
So far Tem has the best pun, and Simon the best long-form joke!
Damn straight.
Monkeys also like the number 6.
69 What is invisible and smells like bananas?
Kronos Farts!
Leo Balzac has 69 fritz.
3 men are caught by a primitive tribe in south america while exploring and are brought b4 the chief.
Chief says "you have 2 choices death or Unga-Bunga".
First guy says "well I'm to young to die i choose unga bunga".
3 villagers with the biggest slongs come and have there way with him. Afterwards he crawls away.
Guy 2 is sickened and scared but thinks about his family back home and chooses Unga Bunga as well.
The 3 heavy hung villagers come and have there way with him and he limps outta the village.
Guy 3 is arrogant and defiant. He proudly proclaims
"Chief I choose death".
The chief raises his arms in rejoicement and cries out
"Death by Unga-Bunga"!!!...
CLASSY SCIENCE JOKES:
2 Atoms are walking down the street. The first atom trips and falls. He quickly gets back up and says, "Oh shit - I lost an electron!" the second atom says, "Are you sure?" and the first atom says, "I'm positive."
54
5
Old man - Do you sell viagra?
Pharmacist - Yes we do
Old man - I'll take some. Can you cut the tablets into quarters for me?
Pharmacist - I can, but a quarter won't give you an erection
Old man - ERECTION? I don't want an erection, I just want to make it so I don't dribble on my feet when I take my morning pee
68
Which beer is the best one?
The Next One
(heard that in Estonia 😛)
also;
19
What is the difference between prostitute and pizza?
You can order a pizza without mushrooms. 🙂
45
Happy birthday to you,
I went to the zoo,
I saw a fat monkey,
and I thought it was YOU!
Happy birthday Kronos!
66
A woman is convinced that her husband, who frequently stays out late and comes home drunk, is cheating on her.
In order to catch him in the lie, one night she stays up until he stumbles home at 3am and asks him where has been.
It's clear that the question catches him off guard, and in a rambling stupor he recalls "I was at a music bar call'd the Golden Palace! They had golden floors, golden walls AND even golden urinals!"
Needless to say, the wife is not convinced by this story. In fact it sounds like exactly the kind of bullshit a drunk husband would invent to cover infidelity. Nevertheless she sends him off to bed and resigns to check up on it tomorrow.
The next day she finds a jazz bar called "The Golden Palace" in the phonebook and calls it.
"Hi there" She asks when a man answers, "I'm just calling because I have a few questions".
"Ok" A gruff voice responds, "but make it quick because last night was rough over here and we're busy with the cleanup"
"Thanks, I just wanted to ask if you have golden floors at your bar. It almost seems too good to be true."
"Yes we do" The man replies, "Our floors are made entirely of gold-plated tiles."
"Interesting" The Wife replies, "And do you by any chance also have Golden walls?"
"Of course" The man says immediately, "They go with our golden floors".
"Wow, well I guess my husband WAS telling the truth after all." The wife says with relief.
"What do you mean?" Asks the man.
"Well, he came home late last night drunk and stumbling, but when I asked him where he had been he just started rambling about your golden floors, golden walls and golden urinals. It seemed very unrea-"
"Wait a second" The man suddenly interrupts, "Did you just say 'golden urinals?!"
"Er, yes I did" The wife cautiously responds.
At this moment, the wife can hear the phone being put down and the man shouting to someone else in the bar:
"HEY AL, I think we've got a lead on the guy who pissed in your Saxaphone!!"
13
96- Happy Birthday!
79
Happy eBirthday
9
Happy Birthday Kronos!
58
How do you call a 2,000 pound gorilla?
Kronos Q 😃
22
Look at that! Congratulated and insulted all in the same comment feed!
Just another day with eRep.. Thanks everyone!
Now to choose someone.. hmm...