Hot, Safe, and Secure
•
by Mr. Katze
Recently, I have been receiving inquiries from various parties regarding my relationship status. As I am single, I respond "I am single". However, they respond in kind with questions such as "Why are you single?" and "Do you want me to hook you up with my sister/friend/cousin/neighbor/lab partner?" I do not want to date your lab partner. In response to this issue, I am now accepting applications for a false girlfriend.
I know what you're thinking. "Man, ramen noodles really sounds good about now." And they do, but you're probably also thinking why you should apply for such a job. I'll tell you why.
1. I am slightly above the average height of a 17 year old male
2. I fluently speak over 100 different languages through Google Translate
3. I am completely house trained
4. I currently have all of my fingers and toes still attached
5. All of my former girlfriends are still alive
6. I am not currently a member of any cult
With those characteristics, I'll probably have too many applicants for the job. So I have put together a list of qualifications applicants must have.
1. Must be alive
2. Must be female
What else is in it for you? How about royalties once our story is developed into a romantic comedy. I'm estimating that at about an 85% chance of happening.*
(*I reserve the right to refuse Ashton Kutcher the role of me, although I may consider him for a supporting role.)
Job responsibilities would include responding "Yeah" in a timely fashion to texts from me asking "Are you my girlfriend?". These texts would arrive no more often than I must prove to someone I have a girlfriend.
Compensation will be a lollipop and potentially the rim of a 1978 Buick Skylark for the right girl. If it's the wrong girl she will receive a wifebeater spray painted to look like an American flag and covered in hot pink duct tape.
Respond via comment, personal message, email, text, call, smoke signal or carrier pigeon.
I look forward to not dating you soon!
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Comments
I pass all qualifications apart from the last one! How close!!!
she said she was level 16...
They always do, then you find out he's a 52 year old
docker called Bernard. Then he never returns your calls.....
Horice ):
Can I join your dating site...
1. I am slightly above the average height of a 71 year old male.
2. I fluently speak.
3. I tend to piss in the corner on cold nights.
4. The majority of my fingers and toes still attached, but not necessarily all to me.
5. Most of my former girlfriends are still alive, in my cellar.
6. I am currently leader of The Real Spamicans.
7. I'll do anything, to anything, with anything!
Horice (:
Kinky.
I've finally found someone older than me in this game
*surferdude has just left the game*
Ticks all my boxes. Sex change here I come! (in regards to the "Must be female" rule, is that born a female?...before I carry this much further)
If it doesn't have a penis, it's a female.
Want to borrow a knife?
I have some tree trimmers you could use
http://image.made-in-china.com/4f0j00ZeEQJbGsCcof/Tree-Pruning-Shears.jpg
You could just become a lumberjack just like your dear papa...
Yay...love number 2 : D
I would also like to join this dating website.
1. Is largely above the height of the average sixteen year old dwarf, roughly four feet over it.
2. Will do anything for love, but won't do that.
3. Currently has all his ex-girlfriends imagined in his head.
4. Is a member of a cult.
5. Enjoys long walks on the beach, good times, and collecting nazi memorabilia to shw to his neo-nazi pals.
6. Is schizophrenic
7. No I'm not
8. Yes I am
I quite enjoyed your application, and with a few minor changes would be an ideal way to acquire "bitches". My first change would be to change the part about being a neo nazi to "care bear enthusiast". I hear the ladies love care bears. I would also change cult to "club" (the type of which you could decide based on preference).
voted, chuckled :3