Gormley Left Hospitalised After Freak Seagull Incident

Day 2,431, 18:29 • Published in Ireland Ireland • by John Gormley


The eIreland community was left in a state of shock today after hearing that their beloved Congressman, John Gormley, was admitted to the Cork University Hospital following an unexpected altercation with a large flock of seagulls.

There has been a big upsurge in seagull-related perpetrations reported to the Gardaí lately and Mr. Gormley is the first high-profile victim of this spate of violent attacks.

Early reports suggest that Mr. Gormley was simply strolling along Garretstown beach in West Cork, minding his own business and chewing on a lollipop. Suddenly he became surrounded by a dozen squawking seagulls, flying in a circle around his shaking body. Gormley was accosted by one particularly menacing gull who wrenched the lollipop from Mr. Gormley's grasp and began chewing it himself.

The only thing witnesses could hear the eccentric Congressman utter in his meagre defence was,"Ah, feckin' birds again! They're losing the run of themselves!"

The Green Shoots is not quite sure what happened in the flurry of activity after that - we can only speculate. Here is what we think may have occurre😛
The head seagull pulled the lollipop out of his beak and pulled it across his throat in a slitting-like motion. His underlings immediately went in for the kill...

3 seagulls swooped down onto the powerless man's head and started pecking ferociously at his ugly face. Gormley was instantly blinded and bleeding profusely from his eyes, nose and mouth. He dropped to his knees and started moaning in discomfort. It was only then that the true ordeal began.

The remaining birds swooped down to join in the attack. The combined strength of 4 birds was used in trapping the stricken man by binding his arms and legs. The last 4 birds arrived to viciously strike and peck Gormley's abdomen with their beaks, wings and legs. All the while, they could be heard loudly screaming and squawking with triumphant aplomb. Their leader stood a few yards away for the entire event, his chest puffed out and laughing maniacally.
Eventually, after a 15 minutes of pure agony, the head seagull called off his troops who flew away, leaving Gormley writhing in pain on the wet sand.

A few passers-by noticed Mr. Gormley's visible distress and called for an ambulance. He was taken to the CUH where he is currently on life support. Doctors have also indicated that he has several broken bones and teeth and he may never see again - if he ever even comes out of his coma.

Meanwhile, the President of eIreland has declared the 12 seagulls "heroes" and has invited them to a civic reception at Áras an Uachtaráin.