The big one
So - finally - we’ve arrived here. The destination. The zenith. Part 2 - the final part - of a four part CP manifesto.
Some have said, quite accurately, that the previous articles have been shoddy works of populist nonsense with no meaningful content. Apparently that’s not what they wanted to see (I have no idea why - usually that’s all I want to read). They want more.
So more they shall have.
Because this is the article where I highlight, in as much detail as possible, what I and my government will actually do if you - the good people of the eUK - see fit to elect us tomorrow.
So gird your loins.
Roll up! Roll up!
It’s time for the traditional CP Manifesto Promises, Proposals and Lists of People FunFest.
Let’s face it, things are generally going fairly well at the moment. The economy is stable. Out political system is stable. Defence-wise we’re pretty stable too. But we’ve paid a terrible price for this stability: near-death tedium. It’s unfortunate, but stability is inherently boring - especially when put in the hands of people who are good at it.
Luckily, I’m not very good at nurturing stability, and neither is ESO. Chaos reigns supreme where we live, while stability shivers in a dark, damp corner, fearing for its life.
However, if elected, I’m going to try really quite hard to not let things slide into chaos like they usually do. Which means:
Of course, achieving such a lofty ambition is going to take a rock-steady team of seasoned professionals (obvious gag coming up). Unfortunately I’ve said all along that mine will be an ESO government, which means all I’ve got to pick from is a bunch of flaky ne’er-do-wells who can barely spell government, let alone do it. Which leads me nicely into:
So far, it’s all been me, me, me. I’ll do this. I won’t do that. You will worship at my feet etc etc. It makes me sound like a megalomaniac in waiting who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the reins of power. But, obviously, that isn’t the case. You can trust me, innit?
But seriously, I - like many others - am concerned about the lack of new people willing to get involved and enter government. I always said that I didn’t want to get into it myself (lack of time, prefer to oppose, can’t be arsed etc), but the only reason I’ve jumped in two-footed this time is because I felt we needed someone new to have a go (no matter how disastrous the results). I want other people to do the same, which means removing all barriers to participation. So, just in time, here comes:
That means regular government articles, CP question times, involving the PPs of all the top parties and - most importantly - a policy of openness, inclusiveness and transparency.
Yikes. This has gone on a bit long already, and there’s still more to go. So here’s a half-time cat GIF.
The bit that will be quoted back at me when things go wrong...
You’ve already had three … count ‘em! … electoral promises to chew over, along with a bunch of standard electoral platitudes. However, there’s more! Huzzah!
The next bit outlines who will be in my government - by department - and what they’ll be asked to do. Don’t get your hopes up though - there’s not a lot of actual real policy stuff here. And remember, this is all about an ESO government, supported and backed up by a crack team of superstar advisors. You know … to stop us being a bit too ESO if we win.
So, on with the show…
Perhaps choosing a Muppets pic before introducing the cabinet is unwise
vCP: nick a llama
Nick single-handedly saved us from the perils of MEK, then ran the country on his own as dictator before handing over the reins to our current esteemed constitutional dictatorship. So he’s got government skillz.
On top of that he’s also the undisputed heavyweight champion of dank memes, so he’s good on the whole “entertain the nation” thing as well.
MoENT + MoED = MoHA: CheetahCurtis, Mr Cherry, Rob the Bruce and Madelina de Melrose
This department often gets shoved to the bottom of the list, but not this time. I see this super-department of MoHA, MoENT and MoED as absolutely critical to reviving the eUK. That’s why I’m delighted with the team I’ve managed to blag into doing it. Between them they’ve got larks, education and information well covered.
Apart from their main mission of entertaining the nation, I would like to see MoHA providing some education articles on the results and implications of the Resource War (e.g. Should I move my companies? What the hell just happened?), while hunting down and targeting the few new players we do get, and setting them on the right path. But mostly they should entertain us. Dancing. We definitely need more dancing.
MoFA: Sir Jimmy Savile, Fataliix, yurigavin
Sir Jimmy has bags of experience, and - with a name like that - it’s probably best to send him overseas where the forigs won’t understand the reference. Fata is undoubtedly the most successful MoFA we’ve had in a very long time, and he was pretty much first on my list of advisors to blag. Yurigavin is keen and experienced in both MoD and MoFA work, so he’ll be crossing both departments.
MoFA’s priority will be to find out what alliance we’re in, and then continue sorting out our … ahem … insertion into Adriatica. There’ll also be MPPs to advise on, ambassadors to fire out of cannons etc. You know, the usual stuff. I imagine there’ll be some special diplomacy required when the Resource War finishes too.
😨nick a llama, Paul Tyndale, FragUK, yurigavin
Ahhh … MoD. To many people, this is the government. To many others, it’s an impenetrable hole that sucks in money and spits out Campaigns of the Day. I won’t tell you which camp I’m in.
Whatever your thoughts, MoD is clearly crucial to the success of the eUK, so I’ve got a killer team in place. As well as nick a llama (see vCP), I’ve got Paul Tyndale. Paul knows absolutely everything that’s going on in the eWorld the instant that it happens. Not the next day, not an hour later - INSTANTLY. He’s been MoD before and he’s widely admired for his tactical nouse. And then there’s FragUK, who is quite simply (and officially) a military legend. Who better to guide our much maligned war efforts? They will be ably assisted by yurigavin, who will also provide an extra link between MoFA and MoD.
In terms of priorities, it’s pretty simple really. The resource wars will carry on for a day after the election is complete, and there won’t be anything valuable left to go for. Once that’s out the way, we’ll concentrate on getting the core regions back as quickly as we can, and then we’ll take stock, see where we stand, and see how the world and its alliances are looking when the dust has settled. Unless pannonian nomad manages to blag us into ASing Singapore, in which case we’ll do that instead
PS, although I didn’t personally support the National MU, a lot of time and effort has gone into setting it up, so it will be left alone to carry on. I would like to see the NMU reporting its progress to the eUK though, showing how well it’s coordinating damage etc.
MoF: Huey George (obviously)
National finances are too important to mess around with, so in this department I strayed from the ESO theme and asked Huey to continue as MoF. And I’m delighted that he accepted.
Huey will continue to run MoF in the professional and diligent manner to which we’ve become accustomed. I certainly won’t be interfering.
By the way, both Huey and I are keen to get other people trained up in MoF-ery. If you want to work in the most important department in government, with the nicest bloke you’re ever likely to meet (Huey, obviously - not me), then give either Huey or I a shout.
Speaker: Sir Humphrey Appleby
It’s both an outrageous liberty and constitutionally questionable to include Apples in this list.
If he wasn’t Speaker I would definitely have asked him to get involved as part of the government team, because I respect his judgment. He may have accepted, he may have refused - only he knows. However, he is the Speaker and so it would be wrong to cross the line between government and congress.
Luckily, as Speaker it also means he’ll automatically be in the government PMs etc, so I sort of get him as an advisor anyway and there’s not a lot he can do about it (except resign - oh, didn’t think this through).
Oh, and he'll obviously provide the critical link between government and congress. I'm a fan of congress (sometimes) - I've spent a lot more time in congress than in government - so I want to try and work with them as much as possible.
Mandatory cabinet pic
Finally, we’ve reached the end
Sweet Jesus, that took a while. But we’ve made it to the end of the article.
If there’s one thing you take away from this manifesto, it’s the following:
.1. This government will be about entertainment first, srs bsns second.
.2. Having said that, I’ll do everything I can to make sure things don’t go too badly wrong.
.3. At the very least I’ll be active throughout the CP term.
.4. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
I hope you read this manifesto and decide that there’s enough in it to convince you to vote for me. If not, I’ll understand. It’ll be fine. I’ll get over it. Don’t worry.
PS anyone want to run a “If he wins, how long until he’s impeached?” sweepstake? If so, I’ll take six days please.
Election arriving in…