UPDATE - Slovenia Needs Us! Now the Swiss Need You!

Day 2,127, 11:15 • Published in Switzerland Canada • by Lansizzle

It’s the one and only Lansizzle, bringing you the premier source for completely biased information about less than relevant subjects, otherwise known as the Daily Sizzle.

Hello eSwiss Citizens!

It has been a while since we last spoke. My fault entirely. I hope to make it up to you in three… two… one…



I want to start by sending a huge shout out to the one and only Jason Welsh, who has been doing a bang-up job as our CP this month. When he took over this nation, we had no regions. Thanks to you, the citizens of this great nation, and with a little help from our friends, we have all four of our original regions back in our possession, which is huge. However friends, it doesn’t end there…

Slovenia will come back. They will attack us soon. It is inevitable. They are like the fat kid that refuses to give up on dessert, even though they have eaten two full meals in one sitting. They attack us because they can, not because they have anything to gain. They pick on us because we do not have the tanks to repel them on our own, and it forces many of the CoT heavy hitters to throw damage in on our behalf, which hopefully pulls it away from other battles. Which makes what I’m about to say all that more important…

Fight Hard! Fight Smart! Fight Together!

Don’t waste unnecessary damage in a battle. Fight only when you give us the best chance to be successful. If we all do that, we can keep the hoard of angry, basement dwelling, pimple-faced teenagers of Slovenia at bay, and hopefully long enough for the cavalry to arrive.



Now I know what most of you are thinking… Why does Slovenia keep picking on one of the tiniest countries in eRepublik? Well, I believe I have the answer that you are looking for. It’s called Johnson Envy. It’s the same reason that a dude with a little package goes out and buys a sports car. Over-compensation at its finest. They like the feeling that they get from winning, even if it is against the 4th smallest country in the New World. I’m no mathematician, but a country with nearly 7 times as many people should win, every time. It only makes sense.



So I decided to do some research on our would be oppressors, and here is what I foun😛

Did you know that Slovenia has more casinos per 1,000 people than any other nation in the European Union? That explains a lot actually. It says that most Slovenians are very free-spending people. That means that many of them probably find money to blow on an interweb browser game. That really helps them keep the smaller nations that they intend to steal land from down, since most of those countries have very few people that are as completely fiscally irresponsible as they are.



Did you know that Slovenia actually has one of the lowest population densities amongst European countries, at 262 per square mile? This also helps explain so much. It says to me that there are very few people who actually live close enough to another real life person, which hinders positive contact between living, breathing humans. It pushes the poor Slovenes into the depths of the interwebs, not only for human interaction, but possibly for mating purposes, which cannot be good. But it also pushes them here, to eRepublik, so that they can live out there imperialistic desires via the interwebs. I believe that most Slovenians are upset at the actual conditions in Slovenia, and it depresses them. The only way for the happiness of the nation to rise is for them to pick on the tiny nation of eSwitzerland in this game. After all of those years of isolation and oppression, they are taking out their anger on us, virtually, and it helps them sleep at night. Cheers!



Lastly, did you know that According to the 2012 Global Peace Index, Slovenia is one of the world's most peaceful countries? Which really puts the icing on the cake for all of the fat kids out there, because let’s be honest, what fat kid doesn’t like cake? Since Slovenia is actually forced to be peaceful in reality, on the interwebs, they can be dominant! They can role-play as if they were big and bad, when in reality, they are kind of weak sauce. I also think that they are jealous of us again, because in that same Peace Index, the 5th ranked country is Switzerland, which overall, makes us a more peaceful nation. That has to really upset Slovenia into thinking “We can’t be out-peaced by a rival nation… So attack them!” Makes sense to me. Based on that logic, Denmark, you are next. Better get prepared!



So kids, what have we learned today? Well, in a nutshell, Slovenia attacks us out of necessity, and for no other reason. They have to attack us, because if they didn’t, the country would literally fall apart. We are their source of envy, we are their source of entertainment, and we are the reason why they still exist. And for that, they should thank us!



UPDATE

On cue, the Interweb Tough Guys in Slovenia have decided to attack the completely free Swiss region of Deutschschweiz, unprovoked. Why? Well, if you have read this article already, then you know why. And if you are reading this now, we need your help. We cannot stop this bully on our own. We cannot defeat the tyrant that is Slovenia without the help of the rest of our friends and allies. That is where you come in... Help us push the wall our way. Help us send a message to them, by dropping damage for us here: FREEDOM for SWISS!

And if my plea for help isn't enough, Combat Orders are up in all Divisions! Get paid to drop the deuce on Slovenia!

Help us rid our lands of this hoard of pre-pubescent, pimple faced basement dwellers! Freedom for Switzerland!

I love you all, and again, just like the fat kid in dodge ball, I’M OUT!

(Did I use enough fat references in this article? Let me know in the comments section…)