Todays Jokes

Day 1,528, 16:12 • Published in New Zealand New Zealand • by CrackShotNZ

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, saying "I f*cked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I f*cked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I f*cked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."


A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day, another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there: "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the married couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back: "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back: "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down: "Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back: "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says: "Son of a gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing!"