Three Years of Proteus

Day 1,898, 13:49 • Published in USA USA • by Paul Proteus

Secondary title: Wow, this Paul guy doesn’t have a life



Mildly Clever Mood Musik

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend me your ears, or eyes or something. That speech is a little less effective in this format. In any case, my newspaper was getting rusty so I might as well get it some use 😁

Now, on to the “news”

Three Years of Proteus



I have classy pictures damnit

On January 30th three years ago a young, naive Paul was falsely informed by a friend, “play this cool* game, it only takes 15 minutes a day”
*Questionable word choice

Okay, that narcissistic intro aside, I’ve played this game for three whole years now 😁. I've been a country President (of Switzerland admittedly), worked in numerous “governments”, written 106 articles (yes I counted), wasted hours of time on IRC, annnnndd learned pretty much nothing. I have to say though, some of the people I’ve met in this game number amongst the coolest people I know, so thanks for putting up with me 😛 Thanks to the Feds for being the greatest party in the game, thanks to the UM for not kicking me out even if I'm the least competent soldier in the game, thanks to Switzerland for somehow still existing, and thanks to all my other peeps I didn't mention, Love all of you guys ❤



So much spit...whyyyyy


Oh also, Happy eBirthday to Gaylord my eTwin apparently >_>


Moving on then,

Cool things are happening!

In this section I randomly list things…because honestly screw formatting >_>

-Documented Return of Known Deviant Hadrian X

Observant cool cats and hipsters(i.e. old people) will have noticed that one Hadrian X has returned to eRepublik. Intent on world domination it seems he has begun step one in his vicious plan for global indoctrination, beginning with the startup of what appears to be a Media Empire or News Network of sorts…called Empire News Network. You can find this dangerous subversive activity here or by reading Hadrian’s newspaper
Also apparently he’s too good for writing article interviews (and walls, what kind of person thinks they’re better than walls? Seriously), so listen to Hadrian X’s Guerrilla Radio, and the most recent episode featuring John Killah Click here to listen.



Image of what is likely the logo for wanted fugitive Hadrian X's planned coup d'état

Seriously though, this is the best podcast/radio show in the game, and I recommend it to everyone reading this. Yes all three of you!

Will Hadrian succeed in his nefarious plans? Are they actually nefarious or did I just make all that up? Stay tuned for this weeks episode of CLIFFHANGERS

-The Presidential Race



Except in RL Presidential races they also stab each other in their race to the death...or so I've been told, I don't factcheck this shit

The week leading up to the election is always such a magical time 😛 So just throwing a quick 2 cents here, if my opinion means anything to anyone, I see Jason Statham Jr. and John Killah as the two candidates who matter, now who gets the fabled Proteus Bump? To me, John Killah seems the candidate best prepared and most likely to continue America forward, through the everlasting PTO threat and navigating our tricky foreign policy. I like what he’s said, I like his staff (J-Lo is going to be CP one of these days, he’s incredibly talented and energetic, and an excellent VP pick by JK), I like what he’s said about CoT, and hearing him on Guerilla Radio finally made up my mind, he seems like s smart dude who knows what the eUS needs to do going forward. That’s just me though, see you on the 5th and remember to vote...or not, I'm not a part of this system....maaaan


That was a Killah Endorsement….ba dum tsss


This next section is satire, which basically means I'm better than you

Australia Exists, Top Scientists confirm

According to a study released yesterday, scientists are revising their previous notions that kangaroos come from "some children's book", and insisting that the island of Australia is indeed a nation and not a fairy tale land invented to make New Zealand jealous. Combatting the majority of Americans who still have not accepted Australia's existence as fact, Scientists have begun releasing proof of a shitstorm occurring on the mythical island, which has caused a simultaneous groan from many Americans while confronting them with the knowledge of Australia's likely reality. While shitstorms are relatively common events in America, the tempestuous climate combined with the backwards swirling toilet bowls causes Australia to be hit especially hard by the phenomenon.


Previous preferred map

Scientists are excited to see their hard work pay off as 5% more Americans than last year now understand the harsh reality that Australia really does exist, as well as a shift of many responses from "Tastes like Chicken" and "a type of custard" to "Ewwwww". There is still work to be done, as Scientists fear in a month or so, the latest drama will be forgotten and Australia will once again dissapear from our collective consciences



Signing off, this is Goodbye Blue Monday, celebrating 3 years of investigating all the news that everyone else deems "factually irrelevant"~


Your moment of zen



So that wraps up today's Goodbye Blue Monday

~Proteus Out

Until Next Time,

Stay Sexy