The introduction of beer

Day 961, 14:29 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by Sir Humphrey Appleby
“What could possibly be more inseparable than beer and Britannia?”
-The Rev. Sydney Smith

With the various adaptations, amendments and alterations that the transition from V1 to this new world brought; I was saddened to see this new happiness addition so underwhelming attributed by a mere 4 options, each of which not necessarily attributed purely with the induction of ‘happiness’. Going to the gym is strenuous and painful afterwards; sleeping is a necessity and is best performed with a partner (an option the admins clandestinely omitted). A day at the spa brings about nightmares of a chick flick, and I have never attempted to go to the cinema and pay via gold bars.

Such an alarming misunderstanding of the true concept of happiness has provoked an idea, as one usually does. Why, pray, hasn’t a universally recognised product been introduced to the satisfaction of all, even the most diehard of prohibitionists? Why has such a historical beverage not been recognised by our Romanian overlords over at eRepublik HQ? The golden nectar that flows from the taps of every pub in every country from every continent, somehow avoided in a game that went out of their way to research what a decent work secretary should look like?

It is quite simple. Given the alarming rate I lose happiness by flying a helicopter with a machine gun down at the old army camp; Why can’t I have a little ‘pick me up’ from the local tavern? If you want to drag this beautiful art into the dirt world of paying gold for a pint; then systemise different beverages you can buy and different effects they would deservedly bring. I have an example here:-

Option 1: Normal Bottled Beer – 0.1 Gold
“The modest ale bolsters your resolve to be more productive, and a friendly chat with the well embodied barmaid certainly made you must happier”.
Effect: Gain 6 happiness.

Option 2: Glass of Wine – 0.3 Gold
“The soothing texture refreshes you self-effacingly, giving you a notable boost in happiness when you win a game of snooker afterwards with the work secretary you’ve had your eye on”.
Effect: Gain 20 happiness.

Option 3: Down in One – 0.5 Gold
“The barman quickly pours you a pint of best bitter, where your mates force you to down it in one. You feel particurally happy afterwards and buy everybody a round”
Effect: Gain 45 happiness, mild hangover.

Option 4: Whisky Shots – 1 Gold
“You challenge the dodgy bloke at the bar to a battle of whisky shots. Unwittingly, you start to feel dizzy after the 9th shot and may have attempted to force your person on him afterwards”
Effect: Loose 30 wellness, gain the bloke’s mobile number, moderate hangover.

Option 5: Aftershock gone wrong – 5 Gold
Your girlfriend, being into blue alcohol like WKD, drags you to a distant friend’s party where they’re all chugging down aftershock. Stupidly, you decide to mix some with vodka and wake up in a landfill the following afternoon.
Effect: Loose 50 wellness with 5 deducted each day for a week, heavy hangover.

Option 6: Vodka, following by life story – 10 Gold
Deciding to pop into the corner shop, you opt against a simple beer and go for the 38 unit bottle of vodka instead. 3 hours later and with your best friend looking over you at A&E, you decide to try and chat up the nurse dragging you into one of the wards. Confessing your undying love for women in short blue dresses, you get a shot of general anaesthetic and liver failure.
Effect: Automatically reduced to 10 wellness and a 5 gold fine for driving into a village well.

Random Events
An additional ability that these very reasonable options could have is the random event generator. This can range from finally getting off with the barmaid to getting extremely drunk and attempting to hijack a local government building and sparking off a resistance war. Feel free to leave suggestions for random events in the comments section!

I shall leave you with this drunk story I found on one of the endless forums of the internet...

“I was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young kid walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair mohawk, you know with all different colours - green, red, blue, and purple etc. I just stared… The young kid said, “What’s the matter, man? Never done anything wild in your life?”

I replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.””

Yours, as always,


Sir Humphrey Appleby QC, GCB, KBE, MVO, MA (Oxon) - UKRP Leadership
Prime Ministerial Prime Secretary and Judicial Appellate.