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For your revolutionary enjoyment and socialist education, here's a recent interview with the Fed's CP candidate, Kody5., conducted by the SFP's favorite Radical Productions Film Crew diva, the recently reincarnated Pfenix Quinn!

Somewhat surprisingly, our investigators have determined that Kody5. is probably NOT actually Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in real life. Just in case we are mistaken, the editors of "Onward Thru the Fog" just want to make it clear that we think Mr. Johnson did a perfectly adequate job portraying the Buford Pusser character in the 2004 version of Walking Tall.


OK.. On with the show!!



PQ

Hello Comrade Kody and welcome to the show! Do you mind being called Comrade? I can use "Conrad" if that is more comfortable for you.


Kody5.

I definitely don't mind being your comrade if that's what you like. 😉



(Ed. note - At this point, the studio audience burst into spontaneous applause, which then transformed into sustained rhythmic clapping and foot-stomping, followed by waving of red flags amid chants of "Comrade Kody! Comrade Kody!", which finally turned into a rousing rendition of "Bella Ciao!" in Spanish. During the part about the people passing seeing the red flower on the mountain, PQ openly wept as he hugged the interviewee.)



PQ

Whew! OK. Great. Onto the first question!

Padawan Kody. Oh, hey, could I call you "Commander Kody". You know, like "Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen"?



(Ed. note - Renowned SFP almost-eternal recent Great Leader, respected statesman, and top-notch barback, WhatAGuy, was heard to yell out at this point, "Jesus F... Christ, PQ, how old are you?")


Ahem. Right. OK.

Err. Comrade Kody-Five-Dot, as you know, we here at the SFP are voluntary collectivists. So. I should let you know that all of these questions been vetted -- more or less -- by our quasi-socialist, sorta-anarchist film expert squad.

This is a specialized SFP working group who've spent their whole e-lives meditating on Bear Mountain contemplating the cinematic e-nature of things. In other words, they're tricky, unbearably leftist, deeply introverted dweebs who did not do all that well in film school. But are always happy to show you their student-level work.

So. You know. Step carefully... if you catch my drift.


Kody5.

Was that a question?



PQ

No. And I'll thank you to stop interrupting me, 'kay?



Kody5.

Sure. I was just...


PQ

Shush. Now, listen. Suppose you were dropped into a a weird timeless room where a strongly imposing figure who seemed to know what they were talking about told you that "None of this (gesturing at eRepublik) is real."

Then they offered you a choice of two pills: one blue and one red. The blue pill will allow you to stay in the e-dream world. Whereas taking the red pill will shatter all illusions and awaken you to the "real reality".

The thing is. We don't care which pill you take. The question is: Why are you accepting drugs from a stranger? Is that the kind of CP you're going to be?






Kody5.

Many successful American presidents have taken drugs.


(Ed. note - Loud laughing from the audience was followed by a hub-bub of excited whispering. The distinct and loud bubbling of an old-school bong was heard from the back row, followed by a loud cough. Comrade Franklin Stone was heard to exclaim, "Say it ain't so Joe!". After the hilarity died down, the honored guest continued with his astute observations.)




Kody5.

While I haven't taken any illegal ones, I'm sure I'd take any advantage I could get. So, while I do not have a history of taking drugs, you never know when I get into the mood.



(Ed. note - PQ noticeably gave Kody a "Three Stooges" style side-eye in response to this convoluted answer. To put a pin in it, the ever-ready SFP AV squad found a picture of former RL USA CP Bill Clinton to project on the back-stage curtain, eliciting further hilarity among the jocular crowd of stoner socialists and other assorted no-good-niks. Well-known militia leader, strategic mastermind and vicious leftie heckler and heavy metal fan Shiloh13, took a big hit off his own spliff and shouted out, "LOL! Typical Federalist folderol!")



PQ

OK. OK. Let's give our guest some respect, y'all. He was kind enough to join us and agree to take our questions.


So, Comrade Kody, tell me. Who the hell is this so-called "Fingerguns" person? And why should anyone care?


No. Wait. Sorry. 86 that. That was a little rude. Let me re-phrase.


OK. Here we go... Why is it that the Federalists think they have a right to rule? Aren't they just an elitist cult of oligarchs perpetuating do-nothingness in some meaningless existential quest for significance through attaining privilege and rank?



Kody5.

Fingerguns is my dead mentor and eMom. At a certain point, she used to essentially be the cult leader of the Feds, and I was a very active cult member. A long time ago, during FG's presidency, I declared her Queen of Indonesia, which also made me her heir as her eMother. She's dead now, so I'm just claiming what I'm owed.

Feds can be a little snooty and elitist sometimes. I'd say 90% of feds play eRep just to be a Fed. Not everyone ventures out like I do. We usually hide in our caves and talk about being proud and horny.

A perfect example of that is Paul Proteus. He is always horny.







PQ

I see. OK. Well, let's move on to more important topics, shall we?


With respect to your fascination with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, our team of experts have empowered me to cover a few inter-related inquiries...

- First, have you seen the original 1973 version of "Walking Tall" starring Joe Don Baker?

- Second, was the 2004 Johnson remake of it better or worse? And why was it worse?

- Third, if you haven't seen the original version, WTF?

- Fourth, in the 1969 Zapata Western "Guns of the Magnificent Seven", which was a sequel to the sequel to the classic 1960 western "The Magnificent Seven", which was itself based on the 1954 Kurosawa masterpiece "Seven Samurai" (but is unrelated to the 1998-2000 TV series or the 2016 remake of "The Magnificent Seven", and none of which have anything much to do with The Clash's kinda-ska, kinda-hip-hop masterpiece), Joe Don Baker plays a mysterious cowboy drifter who, along with the other Seven, helps to liberate a Mexican revolutionary from the clutches of a sadistic militarist.


Damn. (PQ sniffles a bit.) They just don't make good films like that anymore, y'know what I mean? It's all frigging Marvel super-heros and shit...







PQ

Ummm... What were we talking about?




Kody5.

I've never seen any of the movies you're asking about, but I've always wanted to see the original 7 Samurai. I'm a bit of a movie guy myself, so I watch a lot. Marvel isn't all that bad. Some of them can be boring and stale, but the Guardians are definitely a solid string of movies.



Example of decadent post-western pop-culture mentioned by the interviewee. Note the cinematic reference to drug dealing criminal cartel. -- image courtesy of the SFP AV Club



PQ

Speaking of Paul Proteus. Why does everybody love him so much? And how can one player be so darn cute?



Kody5.

I love Paul because he's always been here. He's like the mother hen of the Feds. He makes sure we don't kill each other, and if we do, he threatens us until we stop. He's also the person I trust to annoy with all my dirty secrets, with Fingerguns gone, so all you have to do is bribe him to blackmail me.



PQ

Reeeeeally? Hmmmm... interesting. Hold on. We're going take a two-minute toot. Err. Toke a teen minute trace. Err. Just a sec. Pssssttt... Pimp! Do you have Paul Proteus' contact info? We're gonna blackmail this dude... Oh shit! Is my mike still on? Dammit!




Heh!



Joking!



OK. We're back. Ummm.. right.

So. Mister Kody-Wannabe-President, can you tell us what's up with the sudden zombie oldfarts revival? Is that nefarious Chickenface up to his tricks again? Is Wild Owl pulling some shenanigans?

Perhaps more to the point, will your administration commit itself to ripping back the curtain of falsehoods and illusion to reveal, once and for all, the true tawdry nature of e-reality in the e-USA? Or will it be all business-as-usual, radio silence, gumdrops, lollipops, unicorns, sad propaganda and ridiculous conspiracy theories?




Kody5.

I don't even know why I came back.

I just logged into the discord one day and pretended I was a new player as a joke and convinced myself to stay again. I've spent years of wasted time on here, so I'd usually come back and act like I missed everyone anyway. I won't stop the conspiracy theories; that's what makes the game fun.







PQ


Last question. For now.

Aside from the usual hum-drum. You know...

"More articles and better communcations."

"Experience."

"Fun."

Blah-blah-blah. Whatever.


What will your administration do to improve upon our e-nation's freedom-socialist-style engineering of a healthy social ecology in which all citizens, friends and workingclass allies thrive and prosper on the road to wellville and the pursuit of collective radiant glowing health and happiness?

Will you be leaving all the crapitalistic "scarcity" and "only feed the giants" hogwash by the roadside?

For example, why not put together a federal, gummint-backed housing program? Or maybe organize a massive co-op to hand out tons of free food? And stuff like that? Y'know?



Kody5.


Government-backed programs are actually something I want to look into. If we can afford it as a country, we should be spending the money in a way that can help everyone in some way with the game. The Feds have always been very socialist, so I'm hoping to bring my Fed experience to the eUS. Though, the treasury nowadays seems low, I'll do my best to spend it well.




(Ed. note -- This statement led to sustained thunderous applause, foot-stomping, and several rounds of "The Internationale" being sung in a variety of languages. Eventually a conga line was formed. Kody5. joined the merry band of radical lefties as they swayed and shouted and made their way out of the hall into the "Lysander Spooner Memorial Beer Garden", where barrels of delicious voluntarist brew were tapped. The revelry continued on into the wee hours. It was never clear if the SFP intended to endorse Kody5.'s candidacy as a result of the interview. But a good time was had by all.)







OK. That's it, conrads. Until next time.

Please remember to tip the waiter.








Oh.