SHIELD Deploys, Rocks MU Competition Like Hurricane

Day 2,006, 15:01 • Published in USA USA • by Jakov Mikhailovich

Have you got a suit? Then suit up.

Rep Those Colors

Agents of SHIELD, even though we have been promised a king’s share of the spoils for our participation in other MUs during the damage contest, keep those sweet, sweet SHIELD digs on. Like the Myrmidons of antiquity, running to battle behind that rage-fisted Achaean, Achilles, let all people on the battlefield identify our banner in the eye of the dolorous storm and stand in awe of our mastery of the art of slaughter. The one downside, of course, to wearing your SHIELD uniform is that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” has been repealed. You will be hit on by members of the same sex, some of which who may not have had these inclinations before seeing you in your SHIELD-clad glory. If this makes you uncomfortable, you may wish to change to a uniform that does not stoke the hot fires of passion quite so much.

If you are having trouble with sexual harassment and find yourself getting too many requests for shagging and snogging (this is the kind of vernacular that happens when the eUS elects a British president, did we throw all of that tea into the ocean just so those lobsters would have a perfect pairing for their scones?!), here are some examples of uniforms that do not scream “sex” quite so irresistibly as the SHIELD uni does that you may want to consider changing into:

Hey, pal, my eye is up here.


Terrible, Terrible Damage

When SHIELD is on the battlefield, Jesus saves, but everyone else takes damage. Yes, folks, that’s a D&D reference and before you ask, my 20s are natural. The National Weather Service is going to start naming hurricanes after our agents and the hurricanes are going to complain about how they’re unfairly maligned. Or they would if they were anthropomorphized and weren’t mindless forces of nature. Not so the SHIELD agent. We are fully aware of the widespread chaos we cause and we relish it. I’m talking licking-your-enemy’s-blood-off-a-rusty-bayonet-with-a-frothing-grin levels of relishing. Want an example? Here’s our very own Evil Elvis. Yes, he is in division 1 laying down just shy of a million damage and yes, the name Hurricane Evil Elvis is going to undermine the tragedy and failures of FEMA when the next American city is underwater.


Cry havoc and let loose the hound dogs of war

On Day 2,005, Max McFarland did 115,814,145 damage. When PG started to slip out of the top 50, Max McFarland switched over to bolster their damage and they, legally, had to change their abbreviation to PG-13 for scenes of mayhem and graphic violence.

I would like to take a moment here to apologize. The rubber resource of Aquitaine would have been taken, but signals got crossed and SHIELD deployed to Char and took their vespene resource instead. Yes, folks, that is a Starcraft reference.


Dial it back, SHIELD, those Zerg are living creatures!


Prepare for Trouble

Our division 1 fighters can hit like Mark McGwire because we in SHIELD ‘roid them up by deploying more rockets than Giovanni in the Red/Blue gen. Remember when you couldn’t take four steps in Silph Co. or use a $^%&ing teleporter without having one of a hundred identical henchmen throwing a purple rat in your face? It’s like that, except instead of purple rats, it’s an explosion, and instead of going back to the Pokémon center, you just cuss in Serbian, open your Velcro wallet, take out a dirty wad of dinars, and go bribe Plato.

So, why, if we’re so completely and undeniably amazing, did we have to go join up with other MUs for the competition? Because there was just a little too much supernal whooping of ass to be contained within the confines of a single MU. Agents, rep those colors, and everyone else, when you see the breathtaking but dangerous beauty of one of our archangels of death sweeping across an enemy entrenchment that will soon be their graveyard, don’t run home and paint your door frame with lamb’s blood, join up, apotheosize, and bring down some righteous thunder.

JOIN SHIELD TODAY!