Observations of a middle-aged man.

Day 929, 22:02 • Published in Australia Australia • by Ranger Bob

Hello eRepublik

You know, writing tends to be somewhat therapeutic. So, I'm going to take this opportunity to share with you a mistake I made, as well as some lessons I am now learning the hard way from this.

My story begins probably a few years ago. I was pre-diagnosis of type 1 diabetes - prior to this, I got sick like a normal person, generally was fit, thanks to walking at lunchtimes for about 6k, had quit smoking and my three children who loved me terribly.

When I was diagnosed, I became crabby and irritable. Unfortunately like most fools (especially guys) - you tend to lash out at the ones you love. My wife could do no right - i was constantly sleeping, felt generally tired and no matter how much I ate I lost weight - in fact, about 25 kilo's in a three month period - down from nearly 80kg to 55kgs. My wife begged me to see a doctor about it but I was scared to go, and didn't listen. Eventually things came to a head, and after a bad christmas/new years I finally went to the doctor, and was diagnosed as late adult onset.

So, being pathalogically afraid of needles, I sucked it up and started on the daily injections. Monitored what I ate and tried to keep up with a fitness regime. However, life wasn't quite done dealing me with a curveball.

Almost immediately, I started with burning pains in my feet - within about 3 weeks, it had progressed to my legs, and I couldn't sleep at night from the pain - my only relief was about 5am - 2pm in the afternoon, where I would finally get a fitful rest. I was then diagnosed with diabetic neuropathy - but my endocrinologist was concerned as I didn't fit the profile for it - generally that is a long term complication (ie 10years +) and it was obvious that I didn't fit the profile, as i would have already been dead had it been undiagnosed type 1, due to ketoneacidosis.

My wife nursed me through this time - if I was up at night, she would put salve on my legs to stop the pain - she felt with me and nurtured me all this time - and though it was hard on her, generally without complaint or fuss (though I know it got her down sometimes). But, due to a general pain and lack of sleep, I wasn't the thankful husband I should have been. I was still irritable - I mean, how dare life do this to me - it wasn't her fault. it wasn't mine. IT JUST WASN'T FAIR.

Finally after exhaustive tests, a check of my GAD Antibodies showed it was off the recognised scale - a sign of a rare neurological disorder called stiffman syndrome. Basically, treatment is palliative, and as the name suggests it is characterised by progressive stiffening of my joints, followed by an attack on my autonomic system. In essence, I was given about 10-15 years tops before this would happen, and usually a rather painful and embarrasing exit.

I was diagnosed as impotent, so I didn't feel like a valid male anymore - and believe me, I tried. But again, my general hate of the world, and of myself, the utter feeling of hopelessness ate at me, and I turned on the ONE person who I loved in the world. It wasn't fair, I see that - but I was so angry and upset at myself, I couldn't even SEE the woods for the trees, let alone make it stop.

So, then I joined eRepublik, and found a purpose - something I could focus on, something I could be a part of. Initially she didn't want to join - but in time did and found out for herself how this community was so addictive - how it was full of such great people, that neither of us could put it down. Unfortunately it also led to our escapism, and in the long run, our possible demise.

Of course, after treating her and the kids so disdainfully for so long, while I was ill, she eventually met someone else, and turned to him. Initially I was supportive of this because I thought it would help her and us to accept another person into our lives. But then I realised very quickly another best had taken hold of me - jealousy. It was fed in part by some people on IRC who I had shared my circumstances with, and one night they set me up and some of my good friends to share the misery I was in, and make the statement that she was leaving me forever. Frankly around that time, I think I went mental - which then contributed to me being even more angry - at everything, and I quit eRep and just switched off and internalised.

Unfortunately, now it appears my chance to fix this with her has gone. But to you all, I want you to know, the one lesson I learned from this - it is something you all need to remember in real life, if you want to survive.

HOLD ON TO WHAT YOU HAVE - BECAUSE IT'S TOO LATE WHEN IT IS GONE.

I hope that in a week or so she and I can fix ourselves. But PLEASE, no matter what life does to you - dont make the same mistakes I have.

🙁

Bye.