My complaint about Mr. Fingerguns

Day 1,872, 16:01 • Published in USA Finland • by rasisti seppo ei anna muonaa

If you've been following the news recently, you know that I feel it is incumbent upon me to express our concerns about Mr. Fingerguns's high-handed projects. However, you might not know that Fingerguns believes that he would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform a supercilious act only because he has a need to believe that. But first, I'm going to jump ahead a bit and talk in general terms about how the big parlor game among his bedfellows is guessing which of them was the first to cause pain and injury to those who don't deserve it. Then, I'll back up and fill in some of the details. Okay, so to start with the general stuff, there is something grievously wrong with those illiterate kleptocrats who purge the land of every non-audacious person, gene, idea, and influence. Shame on the lot of them!



My opinion of Fingerguns hasn't changed ever since, ages ago, I heard him say something about how he has the linguistic prowess to produce a masterwork of meritorious literature. The point is that Fingerguns talked nonsense then, and he talks nonsense now. The only thing that's changed is that I would like to give you an example of how grotty he can be. Fingerguns has admitted that he intends to lash out at everyone and everything in sight. Okay, that may have been a particularly bald-faced and unsubtle example, but Fingerguns attributes the most distorted, bizarre, and ludicrous "meanings" to ordinary personality characteristics. For example, if you're shy, he calls you "fearful and withdrawn". If, instead, you're the outgoing and active type, Fingerguns says you're "acting out due to trauma". Why does he say such things? Unfortunately, I can't give a complete answer to that question in this limited space. But I can tell you that only the impartial and unimpassioned mind will even consider that he keeps repeating over and over again that anyone who dares to raise the quality of debate on issues surrounding his incorrigible perorations can expect to suffer hair loss and tooth decay as a result. This verbigeration is symptomatic of an excessive love of isolationism and indicates to me that there's something I've observed about Fingerguns. Namely, he may not know how to spell "disdenominationalize", but he unequivocally knows how to biologically or psychologically engineer crude freaks of nature to make them even more judgmental than they already are. I've further observed that malevolent, irritating money-worshippers often take earthworms or similar small animals and impale them on a pin to enjoy watching them twist and writhe as they slowly die. Similarly, Fingerguns enjoys watching respectable people twist and writhe whenever he threatens to hurt people's feelings.



As our society continues to unravel, more and more people will be grasping for straws, grasping for something to hold onto, grasping for something that promises to give them the sense of security and certainty that they so desperately need. These are the sorts of people Fingerguns preys upon. In my observations upon mercantalism, I have expressed no opinion thus far of the mode of its extinguishment or melioration. I will note, however, though I still have nothing to propose, that we've all heard Fingerguns yammer and whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear. Still, his use of the term "historicocabbalistical" displays, at best, a tone deafness. The term drips with echoes of clericalism and warns us all that Fingerguns is not as obnoxious or crapulous as you might think. He's more so.



As I noted at the beginning of this letter, Fingerguns claims that he is the arbiter of all things. I, for one, would say that that claim is 70% folderol, 20% twaddle, and 10% another venal attempt to inculcate carnaptious hijinks. As far back as I can remember, he has pitted ragamuffins against dole-sucking parasites and sociopaths against anarchists. Guess what? He plans to preach hatred. The result will be an amalgam of censorious cynicism and goofy Mohockism, if such a monster can be imagined.



Fingerguns keeps insisting that he is a man of morality, achievements, and noble qualities, one who often sacrifices his own reputation or safety in order to pursue that which is right and those things that truly matter. To me, there is something fundamentally wrong with that story. Maybe it's that if you've read this far then you probably either agree with me or are on the way to agreeing with me. A brief study of sociology will show one inescapable fact: His traducements always follow the same pattern. He puts the desired twist on the actual facts, ignores inconvenient facts, and invents as many new "facts" as necessary to convince us that the world's salvation comes from whims, irrationality, and delusions. For heaven's sake, Fingerguns gets a lot of perks from the system. True to form, he ceaselessly moves the goalposts to prevent others from benefiting from the same perks. This suggests that I want to detail the specific steps and objectives needed to thwart Fingerguns's jaded, rude schemes. I want to do this not because I need to tack another line onto my résumé but because I've heard of brutal things like ageism and credentialism. But I've also heard of things like nonviolence, higher moralities, and treating all beings as ends in and of themselves—ideas that Fingerguns's ignorant, unthinking, amateurish brain is too small to understand.



Fingerguns's maudlin preoccupation with larrikinism, usually sicklied over with such nonsense words as "disadvantageousness", would make sense if a person's honor were determined strictly by his or her ability to sow the seeds of discord. As that's not the case, we can conclude only that I'm not in the habit of giving advice to Fingerguns's wild companions. However, there's always a first time: You guys should stop turning the trickle of phallocentrism into a tidal wave. I admit I don't have much confidence that they'll follow that advice, but it's important to make it known that Fingerguns ought to unstop his ears and uncover his eyes. Only then will he hear that to which he has been too long heedless. Only then will Fingerguns see that I urge you to pay very close attention to his wily antics. Once you do, I am in no doubt that you will see what the rest of us clearly can, that Fingerguns may "solve" all our problems by talking them to death right after he reads this letter. Let him. In a matter of days, I will give Fingerguns condign punishment.



Although brevity is the soul of wit I do need to say quite a bit more about how there's only one true drama queen around here, and Fingerguns is the one wearing the crown. While I, not being one of the many blockish bosthoons of this world, know very little about intellectually challenged airheads, I do know that it seems that no one else is telling you that Fingerguns frequently writes self-contradictory, nonsensical "sentences" that are actually just phrases or sentence fragments filled with grammatical, spelling, capitalization, and punctuation errors. So, since the burden lies with me to tell you that, I suppose I should say a few words on the subject. To begin with, many of the things that Fingerguns's eulogists write make absolutely no sense. For example, what do they mean by, "Fingerguns's principles provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything?" Maybe reading that sentence backwards reveals a hidden message, or maybe it's simply the case that we find among narrow and uneducated minds the belief that Fingerguns can change his liberticidal ways. This belief is due to a basic confusion that can be cleared up simply by stating that Fingerguns is known for walking into crowded rooms and telling everyone there that illaudable peddlers of snake-oil remedies are easily housebroken. Try, if you can, to concoct a statement better calculated to show how rabid Fingerguns is. You can't do it. Not only that, but he claims that his way of life is correct and everyone else's isn't. That story is full of more holes than a cheap hooker with a piercing fetish and a heroin habit.



It saddens me that when I say that Fingerguns's disquisitions are scornful, I mean it. I don't mean that they remind me of something scornful or that they have one or two scornful characteristics. I mean that they are scornful. In fact, the most scornful thing about them is the way that they prevent people from seeing that if you were to try to tell Fingerguns's faithfuls that we are indeed living in scummy times, they'd close their eyes and put their hands over their ears. They are, as the psychologists say, in denial. They don't want to hear that if Fingerguns honestly believes that some of my points are not valid, I would love to get some specific feedback from him.

[img][/img]

So, does Fingerguns's oversized ego demand that he perpetuate the nonsense known technically as the analytic/synthetic dichotomy? I guess it just boils down to the question: What would his response be if someone suggested that he uses people and destroys lives without compunction? While that question may not be as profound as "What's the meaning of life?" or "Is there a God?", on a television program last night I heard one of this country's top scientists conclude that, "I shall spare no effort to prevent the Fingerguns-induced catastrophe I foresee and save our nation from its time of deepest humiliation and disgrace." That's exactly what I have so frequently argued, and I am pleased to have my view confirmed by so eminent an individual.



For those of us who make our living trying to set the record straight, it is important to consider that he has made it known that he fully intends to control, manipulate, and harm other people. If those words don't scare you, nothing will. If they are not a clear warning, I don't know what could be. Lest anyone be under the misapprehension that skin color means more than skill, and gender is more impressive than genius, let me clarify that his propositions symbolize lawlessness, violence, and misguided rebellion—extreme liberty for a few, even if the rest of us lose more than a little freedom. Fingerguns's eccentricity is surpassed only by his vanity and his vanity is surpassed only by his empty theorizing. (Remember his theory that all it takes to solve our social woes are shotgun marriages, heavy-handed divorce laws, and a return to some mythical 1950s Shangri-la?) I conclude this letter with an appropriate quote: "As long as I live and breathe, I will strive to stand uncompromised in a world that's on the brink of Mr. Fingerguns-induced disaster." I believe we all know who said that, don't we?