HORICE?

Day 1,879, 15:28 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by Horice G Fossil


A message from The Real Spamicans Party President candidate, Horice G Fossil....

Much like unsuccessful CP candidate Bob Bloggs, the gastropod is a randy little fellow
whose brain scarcely strays away from the subject of you-know-what. The randiest of
the gastropods is the limpet; this hot-blooded little beast, with its tent-like shell, is always
on the job. Its extramarital activities are something startling.Frankly, I don't know how
the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock face! Another loose-living gastropod
is the periwinkle. This shameless little libertine with its characterist icventral locomotion
is not the marrying kind! "Anywhere, anytime" is its motto, off withthe shell and they're at it!

"What about the lemmelebrates?" I hear Big Ant shout. Calm down dear, I'm coming to them.
The Great Scallop: Much like Iain Keers, this tacky, scrofulous old rapist is second in depravity
only to the common clam. This latter is a right whore! A harlot! A cynical, bed-hopping,firm-
breasted, Rabelaisian bit of seafood that makes Fanny Hill look like a dead pope! And finally,
among the lemmelebrate bivalves, that most depraved of the whole subspecies, the whelk.
The whelk is nothing but a pervert of the worst kind! This Sage Goku of the gastropods, this
angry crustacian, this raving mollusk, this screaming, shouting, doom- monger of the deep...

"Excuse me but this appears to have nothing to do with your running for Party President"

Sorry Iain, you're right but you see there are a great many people in the country today,
who through no fault of their own, are boring. Some of them were born boring, while others
became boring later in their lives. It is up to us, The Real Spamicans , to help them overcome
their dreariness. We can start in small ways, by reminding them that this is a game, and we're
allowed to have fun, and then perhaps we could PTO the eUK, and place our own man in charge!
Then get the whole country to stand in a bowl of treacle going "SQWAK SQWAK SQWAK!"
Finally, we going to get everyone to roll around on the floor going "p'ting p'ting p'ting!"

"Come on Horice now you're just being silly, eUK Politics is a serious business ?"

Iain, I ask you would Albert Einstein ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn't
been trying to invent the spinning bowtie? This and other tremendous leaps forward have been
taken in the search for Serious Sillyness. Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't
tried to combine jam and peanut butter? Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn't by
pure chance spent years working at the problem of how to remove his underpants without
first taking off his trousers? Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved except by years
and years of unremitting sillyness? Of course not. Serious Sillyness is the way forward I ask you
when has taking Politics seriously ever got anyone anywhere? Just consider this, If we increase
the size of the penguin until it is the same height as the man and then compare the relative
brain size, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point,
it is larger than it was! I think you'll agree that makes my position perfectly clear.

Horice