eSaturday Night Live #1 - Presidential Debate

Day 363, 21:49 Published in USA USA by James Foxx

ENN Live Debate Coverage
Associated Holding: Hello and welcome to the ENN Live debate. Now some of you may be wondering why an SO is moderating the debate. The debate staff was lazy and decided that the easiest way to ensure that we had an unbiased moderator was to use an SO that cannot legally vote and currently has no money to donate to a candidate.

The candidates for president are Peregrine of the United States Workers Party (USWP), Benn Dover of the Libertarian Party, Desertfalcon of the eRepublikans For Change (RFC), Uncle Sam of the America’s Advancement Party (AAP), and Cray Z. Nutt of the Anarchy, Doomsday, and Human Disturbance (ADHD) Party.

As you know, eRepublik just released version 1. Tell us your opinions about V1.

Peregrine: Well, my mentor Roby-Wan Kenobi one said “V1 is a major disappointment and it would be much better to move to the moon, my young Padawan.” However, I personally have the more diversified view. Although it has its imperfections, we should endure its hardships and hope for a better future in V1.

Benn Dover: I for one am glad that V1 has given everyone a fresh restart. Some people and political parties are glad for a new chance to start over. As for the features themselves, I personally like the ability to declare war within countries, but I wish there was a way for presidents to have full control of the country’s money.

Desertfalcon: As a proud member of the eRepublikans for change, I like to see new changes. V1 is changing for the better, and as president, I will institute even more changes so we can change for the better.

Uncle Sam: As Benn Dover mentioned, I like the new expansion of government powers. I like the ability to declare war, set minimum wage, and levy all different kinds of new taxes. If elected president, I promise to control the eUSA government and all it its citizens to the best of my abilities.

Cray Z. Nutt: I was most disappointed that they continue to insist on having countries! Resistance wars were a step forward, but they need to add an “Open Rebellion” feature to further advance the cause of total freedom.

The Mo😨 What is your position on war?

Peregrine: War is sometimes a necessary evil, but we need to promote economic and military peace.

Benn: We need war to promote justice. Military might protects us from Peace and furthers the cause of liberty. We will be victorious! Ooo-rah!

Falcon: We need to change our military. We need to use less brute strength and more tricks of the mind. I would promote the development of new light-powered weapons and mechanical infantry.

Sam: We need to recruit more troops and expand our military. We need as many able-bodied men and women to protect us from our enemies. So if you’re listening, join the military today! Uncle Sam needs you!

Cray: War? Where? I want to join!!!

The SO: Although some of you have partially covered this already, how would you improve our policies?

Peregrine: I would follow in the footsteps of our late dear leader Roby Petric. I will seek solutions to our pressing issues and solve them in a bipartisan way.

BenD over: We need to promote trade with other members of Atlantis and reduce the burden on our businesses, especially companies like Guns n’ Stuff.

Desertfalcon: We need more change. As a party, we have considered renaming ourselves the Jedi Council. I propose that we bring the same kind of change to the whole country. We should rename the eUSA to the Galactic Republic, with the president being renamed to the Chancellor. That would show the world that we are serious about change and encourage them to change as well.

The Uncle: I would use the government to promote fairness for all citizens of the eUSA. I would develop a welfare system to promote equality for all people, especially new members.

Dr. Nutt: You know, I think we ought to get rid of this stupid election thingy. I don’t like to have to say all kinds of weird things just to get in power. If we didn’t have a government, we wouldn’t have to put up with all these creeps.

Associated Holding: We have reached the end of this debate. Each candidate may now give their closing remarks.

Peregrine: I have been endorsed by several past presents such as ThisGenMedia and the late Roby Petric. I think you will agree that I am the best choice for president.

Benn Dover: The numbers show that I have the most experience in the country, and I hope that you will elect me president so no one else will even come close the experience points that I have earned. A vote for Benn Dover is a vote for experience.

Desertfalcon: We need change for our country. I have proven that I have ideas and policies for change, and I promise not to leave us unchanged.

Uncle Sam: I am not Evan Bayh! I don’t even know the man. So it’s safe to elect me as president. As president, I promise equality, welfare, and gold for everyone.

Cray Z. Nutt: LIVE FROM SEATTLE, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!

Editor's Note
Due to the recently passed Remain In Power for Voters (RIP VOTERS) Act, we are restricted to publishing parody, cartoons, sound bites, and past quotes that political candidates doesn't like until after the election. We are sorry for the long delays in getting this public, but it’s not our fault, so blame the politicians!

Lawyer’s Note
This is a parody, so if you are offended by it, just get over it. If something is really offensive, you may message me about it and I’ll review it and edit it if I concur. We take no responsibility for accurately portraying the candidate’s actual positions, so please do not be an idiot and make your election decisions based on this parody.

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