eNPR is Back and Federalists Host Monthly Fun Run

Day 4,688, 08:37 • Published in USA USA • by Paul Proteus
Lay your sleeping head, my love,
Human on my faithless arm;
-W.H. Auden


Mood Musik

Greetings reader. In my last article I genuinely reflected on the state of our pixel nation. In this article I shill for my political party. Take that as you will. I contain multitudes. But first:



eNPR Returns

That Gum You Like is Coming Back in Style:

eNPR. Derphoof. Paul Proteus. THURSDAY

Be there or be square.



Artist's depiction of rehearsals in progress. In this metaphor, Derp and Paul are both Orson Welles



And now on to the main event:

Voting for a better eNation, Tomorrow, Today, or actually on the 25th


The key to Federalist Time is weirdly uneven letter sizing

In a handful of days Congressional elections will be here again. And with it, all the pomp and circumstance of fake internet elections, including the noble and long-storied-genre of articles like this one. They're never particularly fun to read, and in the current climate, I'm finding it difficult to write as well, but bear with me, and there may be a point or two (or at the very least a joke may land) and we'll get through it together.

As of late, and as of always, Congress has become defined by vendettas, personal slights, and a shocking tendency toward incoherence. But even as certain members of our body politic cheer on the staggering disunity of our community, the only thought I have is that it really doesn't have to be this way. We play this game together, and the community we make isn't determined by some exogenous force. We create it. Congress governs itself how it sees fit, and we choose congress. It's easy to decry Congress as non-serious, wishy-washy, and upsetting. And that's all true, but only because we have made it that way. We also have the choice to play this game better, and make Congress, and the community as a whole, a force that keeps people around, rather than one that drives them away.

And that's why I'm writing this. Also I was asked to, but it's 50/50, honest.

We desperately need a congress that actualizes the oft-cited principle Country>Party>Self. It's a cliché, but it's a cliché for a reason. So vote for whatever party you think best represents that. After talking with Feds who voted both ways on the recent CBO drama, I'm really convinced that a Fed Congress will do just that. We need a Congress that takes itself at least somewhat seriously, and we need a Congress that at least pretends to function as a branch of government and not a middle school cafeteria room. And I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't think the Feds were our best bet toward achieving that (hopefully modest) goal.

The candidates running in the Fed Congressional Fun Run (patent pending) range from respected Fed veterans who have been around since the first Dinosaur was banned for multying (Apatosauruses are just Brontosaurus multies, pass it on), to returning players and newer Feds who are chomping on the bit to contribute to the national conversation. I really want to give them a chance, don't you?


If this carefully focus-group tested image doesn't convince you to vote Feds....fair tbh


The point is the Feds have a plethora of incredible and qualified candidates, and a vote for the party is a vote for a more engaged and functional Congress. A vote for the Feds on the 25th is truly a vote to restore Government integrity.

Also it will make everyone like you forever*

*no promises on that last part but it probably couldn't hurt


And for the talent portion of today's show:

Look at this bomb Challah I made


Look, I tried ok?



Yours,
through obligations that transcend the grave,
Paul Protues