A few weeks ago, I was coming very late home for work, as my wife encountered me with a sour face:
- "Where have you been?", she aggressively asked
- "Honey, I have to admit", I replied, "I have an affair with a beautiful brunette. I took her out dining, then we had crazy sex in the car..."
- "You lying bastard! Whom are you trying to fool?" she started yelling. "You are unable of performing crazy sex to another person, least to say another woman! You were at work, playing that stupid waste of human time called Erepublik! If it happens again, you're out of here!"
So, based on this experience, I have decided to actively involve in boosting up the quality of life of my fellow community members, by writing this
GUIDE FOR DITCHING YOUR WIFE WHILE PLAYING EREPUBLIK
1. Have an actual affair!
Having an actual affair is much more credible than lying about it. Although faking an affair can seem easy, you might think that using some lipstick from a work colleague on your shirt, or some perfume from a tester tube in a supermarket might be enough, well it's not. Women have a sixth sense for cheating men, and if you are not lucky enough to be one of them, you will be uncovered as a fake. So, my first advice: cheat every one in a while, preferably with the same person. In this case, your wife will definitely suspect that you are in the arms of your mistress, your mistress will presume that you are at home, while you can happily play Erepublik at work.
2. Crash your car !
Just pretending that your car breaks down so often is pretty lame. Have the balls every one in a while and smash the bloody thing for real. Not hard enough for the car not to work, but it has to look ugly. Then, you can spend the whole day in service! This is a great maneuver for election days, battles or any other occasions when you need full concentration for a longer period of time. Of course, full car insurance, 3G modem and laptop are required.
3. Buy an iPhone !
There are very few things worth completely ruining your image as a powerful, heterosexual male. Luckily enough, Erepublik is one of them! An iPhone can provide you with several important windows of opportunity to stay connected with your favorite community while being safely away from your wife.
4. Prepare for unexpected calls !
Each morning on your way to work, try to break off a few seconds from the latest article written by Gregorius and try to focus on one PRACTICAL thing about your home. "What was my wife complaining about in the last few weeks? Fixing the bathroom door? No, that was in Beta. Oh, I got it, buying some tomatoes with taste from somewhere." Then, after finding one such key issue, you are prepared for the "unexpected call"! In this respect, the next time your wife calls, just say really fast "Honey, I was just thinking about weather the small market across the street might have some good tomatoes." Your wife will be impressed about your concerns, and you will definitely avoid the usual "You seem absent again! Playing that crap again, aren't you!"
5. Pretend you are working hard !
That sadly applies only in the first two months or so, BEFORE your wife becomes a convinced brainwashed Anti-Erepublik paramilitary organization member. It is an easy way of saving valuable hours of senseless talks about furniture, cheesy romance or stupid TV series. Just say "Honey, my boss urged me to write a very important report by tomorrow morning, it will take a couple of hours". The ideal time to START your "report" is precisely 22:30, in that case, after two or three hours, she will probably give up and go to sleep. Then, you will have free hand for the next three hours to build up your Erepublik career! Of course, Red Bulls, caffeine pills or light drugs are highly recommended.
6. Get kidnapped !
With a little bit of planning, you can arrange a fake kidnapping, which will buy you a few days, maybe even weeks, of uninterrupted Erepublik experience. This strategy is extremely useful if you win the elections as country president or if you achieve important positions in your virtual life (Supreme Commander of the Army, Prime Minister or stuff like that). Take care, you have to have a solid justification about how you got kidnapped together with your laptop and 3G modem!
7. Get abducted ! (upgraded tactic no.6 - for really stupid wives)
For the lucky ones who have a wife with a sub-standard IQ (I can only admire their power of anticipation), you can upgrade tactics no.6 and pretend you have been abducted by aliens! This will allow you much more space for maneuver, because it will get the police / special forces or other institutions looking for you off your back.
8. Pretend you are an alcoholic !
While apparently easy, it is a pretty difficult strategy to pull trough. Being late progressively, drinking a few shots before leaving work, pretending to forget recent events, and so on, are part of your arsenal. The main benefit is strategically distracting your wives attention from your Erepublik career. Who knows, if you have the necessary skill / strength / gold, you might become an authentic alcoholic! And then, maybe, but just maybe, your wife can dump you and clear an enormous amount of time for your virtual life! But men can only dream...
9. Win the lottery !
Although statistically extremely difficult to pull trough, I think this is, by far, the optimal solution to your Erepublik career. HOW you wil the lottery will be the subject of a future article by the Romanian Ministry of Media, you will see, it’s a hassle but its doable. But, after hitting the jackpot, you will need to follow a few simple principles:
- NEVER tell ANYBODY that you won.
- Pretend to go to work every day. Heck, hire some office space and some secretaries, just for realism. Give them random tasks in order not to blow your cover, you can afford the whole circus.
- Every now and then pull some extra cash from your account, pretending you received “bonuses” or “promotions”, gives an extra touch of authenticity.
- Make up some fancy invitations to conferences or trainings and show them to your wife, pretending that “the company has awarded you with this beautiful opportunity”. Then lock yourself up in a sleazy hotel and play Erepublik until you drop!
Any ideas for a number 10? Winner gets 1 Gold!!!