Dirt Revealed: Presidential Candidates
Jewitt
A Report Exclusive! An in-depth -and revealing- issue of The Jewitt Report; exposing the Presidential candidates! Let's just say they are not as clean and honest as some politicians like for you, the reader, to think!
Working our way down the popularity ladder, let's start with our current President, Uncle Sam.
President Uncle Sam - AAP
Uncle Sam is the current President and beat Former President McWalburgson III by many votes in the past February elections. His record seems flawless: Aiding in regulating our Monetary Market during war, talking to Congress almost daily, Saving kittens, making future plans and going through with them. He seems perfect; but is he?
The Report has revealed some insider information from a disgruntled employee about how the Mr. President came to his fame and glory.
Apparently, the eUS Patent Office issued a Patent, as Patent #004007L18.39, which allowed for anything related to the trademark and intellectual property of the symbol "Uncle Sam" to be given a 5% royalty to Mr. Uncle Sam. Now, this doe not seem like much as few companies exploit the Uncle Sam caricature. A little bit of fine print outlines that, "anything in relation shall be assumed as property of Uncle Sam and his estate." This includes the eUSA Flag, which is shown on Uncle Sam's hat and trendy jacket.
Assuming the eUSA has a monthly tax revenue of 1,230 GOLD, Uncle Sam would receive 61.50 GOLD a month...just from the eUS Government. This does not include trade surpluses which are traded under the eAmerican flag or any companies which may have the logo displayed.
A business partner, whom wished to remain silent, commented. We asked what he (or she) thought about the allegations, saying that he (or she) could understand because, "Sam don't do shit!"
Congressman Scrabman - USWP
Congressman Scrabman is also the former Party President of the United States Workers Party, or USWP, and has worked tirelessly to become the first major Presidential candidate from that party since Mr. Petric; now a Croatian politician. He also disproves the fact that all USWP members are zombies and proves that only the majority are.
What we have found on Mr. Scrabman is something not-so-appealing to the eUS populous.
Mr. Scrabman, known for his Mr. Spock avatar, has been found in an unpublished (yet heavily paid for by The Report, mind you) ePlaygirl issue! For further information on this obvious bodily exposure scandal, see this link.
Mr. Congressman Scrabman, how do you answer these allegations? Seeing by his age in this photograph, we are assuming he was finishing Law School - which would lead up to his being the Honorable Judge Scrabman on the eUS Forums.
Congressman Jewitt - PSF/UIP
Congressman Jewitt is so much of a character, we had to throw some evidence away in the name of being "fair." Not only does he own The Jewitt Report, but his biased opinions always come from it despite the concerns of the staff! After finally expelling him from our offices, we were able to finish this article. On his way out, he screamed, "I'll eat your second born!" We hope he is all talk and no do.
A real character, Congressman Jewitt ran and won the Popular Sovereignty Front (though he considers himself a UIP member still) and still considers himself part of the UIP. Note that Jewitt is also the Chief Editor, and because of our expelling him, the article may have some editing errors. Jewitt also seems to have a flawless record, like the other candidates, but in Report standard, we have found some grease for his wheels!
When on his famous vacation to Israel, where he found eJudaism and became an eJew, he supposedly helped a "cat" go "across the road" past all of the "Turkish soldiers." A Report finding found an eye witness account of eIsraelis recalling an, "odd little eAmerican child using an eIsraeli CAT to roll over eTurkish soldiers."
After further investigation, these "soldiers" were actually bomb-smelling puppies which were no more than one year old. Apparently, it was a training mission in secured occupied territory and was thought safe. A reported twenty-six puppies were labeled "KIO," or Killed in Occupation, as a result. Jewitt was soon deported back to the eUSA and then the record was sealed as a "Threat to National Security" once he became Congressman. Corruption and massed-murder!
Not only is Jewitt an eJew, but he also is a puppy killer.
Mr. Desertfalcon - CVP
Party President Desertfalcon is an acclaimed right-winged conservative with a loyal following of around 200+ people, CVP and non-CVP alike. His record seems flawless, as a three-time congressman which has never posted his voting record nor debated with Congress as a whole any legislation. How pure and uncorrupted! The Report almost gave up, until we found some revealing information:
Desertfalcon has a donation trail which shows the unbearable truth: Desertfalcon is a Communist Ireland sympathizer. In the picture provided at the source, one could see an associate of Desertfalcon's giving an Irish citizen an uncountable amount of money, in return for some sort of "compensation" colored money with a fat guy on it. We assume this to be an IOU.
Yes, Desertfalcon, an IOU for when Communist Ireland rises and your Final Solution can be implemented, right? Well, the fictional Irish Proletariat Union, now named by those here at The Report as "The Irish DF Union," is staging a coup. How do we know? A well-known eCIA agent asked not to be named, but the person is extremely credible.
Journalist Alby - FP
Good ol' Federalist Alby; voicing the wants of consumers and for a strong eUS economy. We rarely hear anything from him here in The Report unless it is about the economy, and we do not even know his policies on other things; so we can only assume he is eJesus.
Wait a minute, maybe we are on to something? Through further investigations, we have found connections to the prophet of the glib-fab religion Lewisism, Michael Lewis. Through looking at posts and articles, The Report has found that Alby, does, in fact hold onto supernatural God-like powers which are the same as reported to be unique to Mr. Lewis.
Only one, and no other, conclusion has been foun😛
Alby is a multi of Michael Lewis. When asked about this, outspoken Lewisist and Party President of the Michael Lewis Fan Club, Vincent Garibaldi, said, "Alby is in no way as intelligent, affable, or capable as our lord and savior ML." Some in the faith are quite critical of this link, but the evidence remains. That brings the question, was the past Presidential Election where the two ran against each other a ploy to throw off any suspicions? Nice try, Mr. eJesus.
Conclusion
I hope all of you have been better informed of the candidates running in the upcoming elections. Maybe with this information in the public eye now, possibly the rate of informed voters may rise this month.
________________________________________ ___________________________________
To Do List:
Vote and subscribe, and do not vote for a candidate if they refuse to answer to these allegations. Refusal to answer is their saying "I am guilty." Or something like that.
Thanks goes to the Nationalist Party, who has endorsed Jewitt for President; which brings the total endorsements to four. Unfortunately, the other three barely make up 1/8th the size of the NP. Jewitt is currently hoping for the endorsement of the UIP.
A new product is planned to be marketed by The Report, though information is not very well known. For any speculative details, check out The Report's wiki. Apparently, Sweden is involved.
-Some Random Staff Member, Not Jewitt (We Promise)
Comments
first?
second ffs
Amazing investigative journalism!
But ML>Alby.
lmao omg scrabman how could you?!?!
great article 😃
Vote for Jewitt, or the toitle get it..nyah, see?
I, Jewitt, answer these allegations; once I get my damn keys back to my News Office!
OK, read the damn thing now.
Funny stuff man, its a shame its all true.
Voted.
funny
PUPPY KILLER!!! >=O
Voted for eJesus
Voted for article, but won't for prez.
OH NOES!
I've been found out
😕
scrab is one sexeh motha !
Nice article! Recommended for all ages!
~John Woodman
The Jewitt Report Public Relations Coordinator, 200th Subscriber
USWP = Scrabman?
Fine by me, the laughingstock of eRepublik in one goddam group.
Funny
CIA agent is brilliant! 😃
Funny, but your reporting needs some work. I honestly have no idea who Mr. Lewis is, other than some fool who appeared in the election last month at the last minute.
I'm not eJesus or any God. I'm just meerly an average Citizen Joe who calls out the wrongs of the nation. That in turn creates enemies of the establishment who dislike opposition to their plan. They rather everybody shut up and obey. Outspoken critics have no room in a Socialist Govt hell bent on raising taxes and telling citizens its for their own good. Nevermind the mismanagement that created the problem in the first place.
In any case, the people will elect the True Messiah on March 5th to lead them to the promised land. I seriously doubt that person will be you Jewitt. And that is straight from my Investigative Reporting. 🙂
-Alby
Loved the links. The whole thing was the funniest piece of politics since Dish declared for Denver.
Very enjoyable to read.
Haha, Great job Jewitt. Voted/suscribed... Good publicity = P
We have been betrayed by our leaders! Communist Ireland must be stopped!
"Loved the links. The whole thing was the funniest piece of politics since Dish declared for Denver."
QFT!
This was great Jewitt! Keep up the great work!
Very entertaining. +1
We ate teh other three?
😃
More dirt: Uncle Sam chooses to have his toilet paper under not over!
Pure Awesome!
I love the report on himself
"Mr. Scrabman, known for his Mr. Spock avatar, has been found in an unpublished (yet heavily paid for by The Report, mind you) ePlaygirl issue! For further information on this obvious bodily exposure scandal, see this link."
Scrabman now has ePlaygirl's full support...HOW DARE YOU LEAK MY PAPER INFO!!!! btw thanks for giving my paper a little cameo 😉
No problem Meghan 😉 It had a link to your paper, as well, but I could not get it to work for the life of me. I had to take out the links for Alby's and for the conclusion as well.
Hilarious! Good job.
Groovy.
No affairs?
Stop the killing of PUPPIES!!!
lolol
I hope I don;t turn up on that list someday.
IF U WANNA SELL FOOD IN HUNGARY ADVERTISE IN GASZTRONOMIA. now 1.2huf is the cheapest hungarian q1 food, if you can trade cheaper you can advertise and make money.
this article is crap, attacking people like this will get us no where
Yay for the NP 😃
http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/maine-crongressional-platform-739527/1/20
Now THIS is some funny $h!t!!!
With the exception of a few hijacks promoting their own campaigns (I wish we had a "Delete Spam" button), this has been a Report success 😃 I am glad to say I have taken back control of The Report and those responsible for the coup have been deported to Venezuela.
Thanks to those that actually caught the jokes, and boo to those which could not see how blatantly ridiculous some of these "accusations" were xD
good job finding thatm out 😛
An absolute masterpiece Mr. Jewitt.
This is retarded. No vote. No subscription.
Pointless irrelevant banter about the politicians' personal lives.
I've got that picture of Scrabman on my facebook page. LMFAO!