A Report Exclusive! An in-depth -and revealing- issue of The Jewitt Report; exposing the Presidential candidates! Let's just say they are not as clean and honest as some politicians like for you, the reader, to think!
Working our way down the popularity ladder, let's start with our current President, Uncle Sam.
President Uncle Sam - AAP
Uncle Sam is the current President and beat Former President McWalburgson III by many votes in the past February elections. His record seems flawless: Aiding in regulating our Monetary Market during war, talking to Congress almost daily, Saving kittens, making future plans and going through with them. He seems perfect; but is he?
The Report has revealed some insider information from a disgruntled employee about how the Mr. President came to his fame and glory.
Apparently, the eUS Patent Office issued a Patent, as Patent #004007L18.39, which allowed for anything related to the trademark and intellectual property of the symbol "Uncle Sam" to be given a 5% royalty to Mr. Uncle Sam. Now, this doe not seem like much as few companies exploit the Uncle Sam caricature. A little bit of fine print outlines that, "anything in relation shall be assumed as property of Uncle Sam and his estate." This includes the eUSA Flag, which is shown on Uncle Sam's hat and trendy jacket.
Assuming the eUSA has a monthly tax revenue of 1,230 GOLD, Uncle Sam would receive 61.50 GOLD a month...just from the eUS Government. This does not include trade surpluses which are traded under the eAmerican flag or any companies which may have the logo displayed.
A business partner, whom wished to remain silent, commented. We asked what he (or she) thought about the allegations, saying that he (or she) could understand because, "Sam don't do shit!"
Congressman Scrabman - USWP
Congressman Scrabman is also the former Party President of the United States Workers Party, or USWP, and has worked tirelessly to become the first major Presidential candidate from that party since Mr. Petric; now a Croatian politician. He also disproves the fact that all USWP members are zombies and proves that only the majority are.
What we have found on Mr. Scrabman is something not-so-appealing to the eUS populous.
Mr. Scrabman, known for his Mr. Spock avatar, has been found in an unpublished (yet heavily paid for by The Report, mind you) ePlaygirl issue! For further information on this obvious bodily exposure scandal, see this link.
Mr. Congressman Scrabman, how do you answer these allegations? Seeing by his age in this photograph, we are assuming he was finishing Law School - which would lead up to his being the Honorable Judge Scrabman on the eUS Forums.
Congressman Jewitt - PSF/UIP
Congressman Jewitt is so much of a character, we had to throw some evidence away in the name of being "fair." Not only does he own The Jewitt Report, but his biased opinions always come from it despite the concerns of the staff! After finally expelling him from our offices, we were able to finish this article. On his way out, he screamed, "I'll eat your second born!" We hope he is all talk and no do.
A real character, Congressman Jewitt ran and won the Popular Sovereignty Front (though he considers himself a UIP member still) and still considers himself part of the UIP. Note that Jewitt is also the Chief Editor, and because of our expelling him, the article may have some editing errors. Jewitt also seems to have a flawless record, like the other candidates, but in Report standard, we have found some grease for his wheels!
When on his famous vacation to Israel, where he found eJudaism and became an eJew, he supposedly helped a "cat" go "across the road" past all of the "Turkish soldiers." A Report finding found an eye witness account of eIsraelis recalling an, "odd little eAmerican child using an eIsraeli CAT to roll over eTurkish soldiers."
After further investigation, these "soldiers" were actually bomb-smelling puppies which were no more than one year old. Apparently, it was a training mission in secured occupied territory and was thought safe. A reported twenty-six puppies were labeled "KIO," or Killed in Occupation, as a result. Jewitt was soon deported back to the eUSA and then the record was sealed as a "Threat to National Security" once he became Congressman. Corruption and massed-murder!
Not only is Jewitt an eJew, but he also is a puppy killer.
Mr. Desertfalcon - CVP
Party President Desertfalcon is an acclaimed right-winged conservative with a loyal following of around 200+ people, CVP and non-CVP alike. His record seems flawless, as a three-time congressman which has never posted his voting record nor debated with Congress as a whole any legislation. How pure and uncorrupted! The Report almost gave up, until we found some revealing information:
Desertfalcon has a donation trail which shows the unbearable truth: Desertfalcon is a Communist Ireland sympathizer. In the picture provided at the source, one could see an associate of Desertfalcon's giving an Irish citizen an uncountable amount of money, in return for some sort of "compensation" colored money with a fat guy on it. We assume this to be an IOU.
Yes, Desertfalcon, an IOU for when Communist Ireland rises and your Final Solution can be implemented, right? Well, the fictional Irish Proletariat Union, now named by those here at The Report as "The Irish DF Union," is staging a coup. How do we know? A well-known eCIA agent asked not to be named, but the person is extremely credible.
Journalist Alby - FP
Good ol' Federalist Alby; voicing the wants of consumers and for a strong eUS economy. We rarely hear anything from him here in The Report unless it is about the economy, and we do not even know his policies on other things; so we can only assume he is eJesus.
Wait a minute, maybe we are on to something? Through further investigations, we have found connections to the prophet of the glib-fab religion Lewisism, Michael Lewis. Through looking at posts and articles, The Report has found that Alby, does, in fact hold onto supernatural God-like powers which are the same as reported to be unique to Mr. Lewis.
Only one, and no other, conclusion has been foun
😛 Alby is a multi of Michael Lewis. When asked about this, outspoken Lewisist and Party President of the Michael Lewis Fan Club, Vincent Garibaldi, said, "Alby is in no way as intelligent, affable, or capable as our lord and savior ML." Some in the faith are quite critical of this link, but the evidence remains. That brings the question, was the past Presidential Election where the two ran against each other a ploy to throw off any suspicions? Nice try, Mr. eJesus.
I hope all of you have been better informed of the candidates running in the upcoming elections. Maybe with this information in the public eye now, possibly the rate of informed voters may rise this month.
To Do List:
Vote and subscribe, and do not vote for a candidate if they refuse to answer to these allegations. Refusal to answer is their saying "I am guilty." Or something like that.
Thanks goes to the Nationalist Party, who has endorsed Jewitt for President; which brings the total endorsements to four. Unfortunately, the other three barely make up 1/8th the size of the NP. Jewitt is currently hoping for the endorsement of the UIP.
A new product is planned to be marketed by The Report, though information is not very well known. For any speculative details, check out The Report's wiki. Apparently, Sweden is involved.
-Some Random Staff Member, Not Jewitt (We Promise)