An American for Michigan

Day 1,586, 18:23 • Published in USA USA • by Myles Robinson

My fellow Americans, dolphins, and random foreigners subscribed to my newspaper,

I am running for the open congressional seat in the GREAT AMERICAN STATE of Michigan, home of Detroit, Michael Moore the Obese, and trees that are just the right height.



Most of my entire eRepublik life has been devoted to serving the eUnited States of America. I have acted as White House Chief of Staff, Secretary of State, Deputy Secretary of State, Senior Presidential Advisor, Ambassador, and Congressman for months. The only non-American thing I've ever done is serve as Provisional President of eNew Zealand, because don't you just love kiwis? I can be of good use to Congress. She certainly thinks so:



However, I am not running unopposed. There are three other candidates battling for the spot. In this article I will show you why voting for them would be a mistake. For the TL😉R crowd, I can sum it up in four AMERICAN words: DEY TUK R JERBS.



Signore Riccardo Quarta
My most-experienced opponent in the race, Signore Quarta is the nominee of the American Military Party. He appears to be a strong and powerful soldier on behalf of America... OR IS HE? His name ends in vowels, his only newspaper article is in a non-American language, and he said he was leader of the ITALIANS. Detroit requires someone who is not always drunk on Chianti. Say NA TO QUARTA.

Fuge Martinez
The eager candidate of the Federalist Party, Master Martinez may look and smell like your typical 21st-century eAmerican, corrupt off of the money of Wall Street. But, is he really an American? Voters, today, I bring you proof that he is not. In his campaign article, Master Martinez spells the word "realized" the BRITISH way: "realised." If elected, he will no doubt force us to stop using the letter "Z" altogether, and may even start adding unnecessary vowels to things. We cannot allow this. Vote no against Fuge "Get Rid of Z" Martinez!

aminiyirim
This fellow is from the South Carolina Ulku Ocaklari party. Maybe he should just stay in SOUTH CAROLINA. He probably wants to ruin our trees from being at their perfect height. This cannot be allowed. Save the trees!



And there, my fellow Americans, you have it. These three forces seek to intoxicate us with foreign wine, rob us of our proper American alphabet, and chop down our trees. We cannot allow it.

On election day, stand with Myles Robinson. Stand with Dolphins in Detroit. Stand away from Michael Moore because he smells. Stand the right height beneath our trees. Elect to Congress an American for Michigan.



This message brought to you by Ajay Bruno, Supreme Commander of His Mother's Boyfriend's Basement. Pride Power Publius.

Love,

~Myles Robinson~
AMURICA