FAQuell 04 - War! Houh! Yeah!

Day 4,835, 19:24 Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom by LarkD

Alright, it's a huge part of the game, so we may as well dig into the glorious, carnal act of war. I'm a little late this time for... 'reasons', so let's keep it simple~

War. What is it good for?
Well it turns out that if you slaughter enough people, you get gold bars. So that's neat. But I'm getting ahead of myself. For starters, let's talk about what it actually involves...

Y'know, child soldiers aside. I feel like I've beaten that particular dead baby joke to death by now.

So, war in eEat-eSleep-eRave-eRepeat is pretty much the cornerstone of everything. It's the primary energy sink, at least half of the game's products are aimed towards making it better, it's where we get most of our experience points and, naturally, it's fun.

It just is. Let's face it, most of the veterans get at least a tiny kick out of seeing their 200k Strength damage numbers ticking up every second when they go do the shootybang thing.

And even if it's true most of the wars fought are slightly pointless from a global conquest perspective, some of them are legitimately fought to gain or maintain dominance over the lesser rivals in the game. Which may explain why Serbia has territories all across the map.

So there are different kinds of wars?
Oh yeah. I've touched on one of those kinds already in 02: Training Wars (Previously listed as Trade Wars, which may also exist as a separate type of war but that's getting into economics and who really has time for any of that during their first week?).

Training Wars are when countries decide to trade territories back and forth in what could charitably be called a series of 'War Games', where the outcomes are fixed by both participants to ensure that territories transition back and forth in an acceptably smooth manner.

The political reasons to run these vary. Better relationships with the governments of other countries, fostering respect between the most potent fighters from those countries and potentially some boosts to the economic output of certain annexed territories to boot (Apparently Scotland has a 100% buff thanks to Lithuania's occupation. How nice of them~)

But that's political gunk. Why do people fight in these wars?
That's a good question and I'm getting to the point so calm down! People fight in wars because they get medals.

I know, that sounds superficial as fuck... And while I'm certain there are a few players out there that WOULD engage in wasteful and pointless bloodshed for no other reason than bragging rights and a shiny jpeg for their profile, these medals actually carry a little more weight. Some very HEAVY weight, if you catch my drift...


Gold. They carry gold. Medals give you gold. How was that not obvious? Ah well, whatever. Medals offer gold to whoever snags them, which helps fund the economy and ensures that every war currently being enacted is in fact a profitable venture for both sides fighting in it. Except, y'know, only for the elites.

But the people that already have everything are the ones that need more things, so clearly they need more gold so they can get more things.

That's capitalism, baby~ And as my dear ol' grandmother used to say as he put me on his knee and told me of the world 'Shit don't trickle, it just sticks and stinks!'

She was a deeply disturbed woman. But in this case, it's true: So no medals for us peasants!

Technically there are divisions, so rookies can fight alongside other rookies and vie for medals... But there's this thing called the 'Maverick Pack' in the cash shop that lets people choose which division to fight in, which (obviously) means that the big boys and girls descend to the lower tiers to soak up more of those medals for themselves.

...Yeah, no funny comment or comparison there I'm afraid. Just a moment of raw, untethered bafflement over whoever thought that offering a service that allows players to pay to pick on the newbies was a good idea for long-term player growth.

Utter bafflement.

So what do we actually get from participating in war?
Well here's where it gets interesting. So far as I can tell, as beginners we are in no way incentivised to engage in war. We get nothing out of it.

Here's the thing... Food, Weapons and Aircraft Weaponry are all expenses that we have to bear as players (Maybe not aircraft weaponry, since so far as I can tell it just doesn't exist in the UK). Meaning that if I want to participate, I have to purchase lobsters and anti-tank shells.

Well no, the anti-tank shells are optional. They just increase your damage output, but they're a part of the system, so I'm including them anyway.

Either way, food costs money, and since you're highly unlikely to get any money out of war in the current setup, you are in fact fighting for queen and country out of your own pocket. Don't forget: Potential Energy regenerates... Actual Energy needs food!

In an effort to (I assume) counteract this problem, the UK has several welfare schemes that I'm vaguely aware of, the most consistent one being the NHS. This is a service that provides free food to players below a certain experience level, which adds up to roughly 1000/1200 energy per drop.

Note: Below a certain level. Do you remember what the main thing we get out of combat is? It's experience. Meaning that if you fight, you eventually become ineligible for this welfare system.

...So surely the incentive here is to avoid gaining experience so you can continue to benefit? Well I mean, for YOU GUYS to do that. Obviously now I’ve pretty much spelled out my plans to be a welfare sponge, Select is gonna tell me to fuck off. But this is the price I pay to spread the truth!

Are you saying that we should avoid combat?
Unless I've missed something massive then... Yes.

Strength training. Weapon purchasing. Food to convert potential energy to energy in order to participate in the battles. It all adds up... Specifically, it adds up to huge dents in the 2.5k you receive from working every day.

If I hadn't participated in combat after becoming an adult, then I'd probably have unlocked a t1 house by now and been well on the way towards the eventual goal adding a truly obscene number of cattle farms to Leeds... But because I've purchased weapons and food to participate in those awards, a significant amount of that currency (Including the level-up gold that I've earned by participating in combat) has effectively evaporated.

So... There's my advice. Don't fight in the wars unless it's actually in your own best interests. Stockpile your wealth, buy whatever resource gathering structures that're most profitable in your chosen town and spend a small fragment of the energy and food that you would have thrown towards the endless, fruitless wars to harvest these resources, then sell them on, purchase more and repeat.

Because that is capitalism, baby~


Before we go, I'd like to throw a question out to anyone reading these ramblings: Would you be interested in reading Pointless Ramblings focused around the six(?) active political parties in the UK at some point, with features such as interviews (If any of them will still talk to me after this) and analysis of past events as I uncover them?

I think it could be interesting and potentially insightful! Or I could just end up being an insulting douchebag that alienates the UK's political class, which... Y'know, could also be fun in it's own way.

Lemme know in the comments if you'd be into it... Or if you have any other suggestions for stuff I should cover!


So that's that. Happy valentines day, everyone. I hope you all got a real kick out of blasting each other to pieces at the order of our communist overlord! This is what I discovered today, and these have been Petty Ramblings.

Milk cows! Get Paid!