FAQuivering 02 - The Gigolo Economy

Day 4,833, 10:35 Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom by LarkD

Yep. These are daily. 'Cause that's a sustainable plan when your title involves a new Q word every issue.

But if I'm honest, as a rookie I'm learning little fragments of info every day, and what sort of journalist would I truly be if I opted to ignore my obligation to pass along such vital discoveries to you, the far more experienced players that already know this shit?

...Well for starters I'd be the sort of journalist that doesn't use 'fuck' as punctuation, and I think we can all agree that would be dull.

So! Like a child stampeding across a crowded beach to show some adults a shiny rock, let's trample over everything in our path and kick sand in the faces of the people just trying to have a nice day!

Oh, also remember to 'like' and 'subscribe' because apparently this is a fucking content creation scam too.

Where the hell is the UK?
I would be genuinely surprised this isn't one of the first questions of a bunch of us rookies. Entering the game and seeing that Romania and the UAE own half of our collective shit is, while a startlingly accurate representation of the current housing market crisis and a ripe target for satire for sure, fucking bonkers.

And yet it's true. Also Ireland has reclaimed Northern Ireland but let's not touch that particular ammonia bomb right now. That particular subject needs to be called ahead.

So yeah, most of the UK is annexed. And there's a reason for this. Actually, I think there's two reasons for this: The official government reason, and the reason rooted in reality. Let's go with the official government reason first though.

Officially, these regions are locked in a constant state of flux, passing back and forth in something called 'TWs' or 'Training Wars'.

Now I'll be honest, the first time I saw that I thought it was Trigger Warning and that the entire country operated under Tumblr rules... Bristol being owned by Dubai IS something that would warrant a Trigger Warning for a certain kind of brit though. Y'know, the kind that wear black shirts and really like white flags with red crosses. Fuck, imagine if it were France instead... The gammon would explode.

That'd be funny.

Anyway, Trade Training Wars (I think that's the term? That's not the term, jackass!) involve passing a territory back and forth by orchestrating repeated invasions and arranging in advance who wins and who loses, in order to generate more currency and gold out of the whole affair.

You read that right: In eReproachful, international politics and the global economy operates via match fixing. When the fuck did the UN turn into FIFA?

I mean, the metrics of wars in the game are still measured in damage and death so either this is some metal-gear level bullshit or the whole 'get experience from going to war' thing involves thunking anti-tank shells into row after row of faceless NPCs that just don't count 'cause they don't have a silly name and/or profile picture.

Okay, I'm overthinking things again. So the horrifying 'sacrifice underequipped toddlers to the global war economy' implications aside, the reason the UK isn't currently owned by the UK is because these regions are being traded back and forth. Officially.

...Unofficially, I think the situation more closely resembles that kid in the playground that's always surrounded by older kids hanging out by the fences, that always comes home covered in bruises and in tears, but says nothing is wrong. In this case, the big kids have somehow gaslit us into thinking that them picking on us, taking our stuff and beating the shit out of us is totally good for us because of all the experience we're getting out of it... And it's not like we have much of a choice anyway since they're bigger than us and this is a comprehensive school so no one's coming to save us. Also one of the biggest kids has a knife with the words 'Pay 2 Win Economy' engraved onto the side of it, and keeps waving it in front of us while talking about how his dad's a sheik and...

Sorry. Lost my train of thought there. But yeah, regardless of how you slice it, we're all getting shafted. But apparently if we all pretend that the shaft we're repeatedly receiving is consensual, then the guys that've been taking advantage of us will leave some gold on the bedside table and maybe even call us good little whores.

...Is it any wonder I feel so dirty.


Another wonderful image. This is what I discovered today, and these have been Petty Ramblings.

Don't forget to tip your pimp.

Edit: Day 4943, 00:46 - The article mistakenly referred to TWs as 'Trade Wars'. They are in fact 'Training Wars'. Where we trade victories and territories back and forth. Easy mistake to make, but FACTUAL ACCURACY is of UTMOST CONCERN here at Petty Ramblings, so changes have been made. Rest assured that the keyboard that typed such fetid filth has been inhumanely destroyed. (Next door rented a woodchipper for some reason. It went 'grrrRRRRRNNNKKKKPFH' and then some white, powdery smoke started coming out of both ends after I chucked the keyboard in. Smelled AWFUL.)