[WHPR] Day 4615: The Paul Proteus Show

Day 4,615, 14:59 Published in USA USA by James S. Brady Press Room

Dateline: Thursday, July 10, 2020 (Day 4615)
Location: James S. Brady Press Room, The White House

Articles since Last WHPR

[POTUS]Gratitude and plans
[EREP]Hot Summer Guide
[DoE]Tutorial links

Day 4605
Yui sat in his secret lair he'd created in the White House during his terms as President way back in 2016. He looked around at the formerly opulent room shaking his head slightly as he did so. It was a shame really. He'd commissioned these rooms to house Advisers and Leaders elected to the Local Government module. He'd had them built in secret and had eagerly waited to spring the surprise on his Cabinet and the community of the eUSA. He had expected to wait a day or two. The days stretched into weeks, then a month, then two months. Here he was more than 4 years later. No perception training and no local government. Over time the shiny new rooms became dingy due to his careless use of them and the fact that no one other than himself had entered these rooms since the last worker had finished the final project to make them just right. "Fucking Plato," he muttered to himself as he turned his attention back to the latest K-Pop video.

He was making little effort to be quiet. It was the weekend of the 4th of July and the rest of the Bubblar administration were no doubt riotously drunk celebrating another landslide election win he felt safe. Besides no one else even knew these rooms existed anymore. As the months of no new modules turned into years Yui had become more and more possessive of these secret rooms. He had arranged for "accidents" to befall the workmen who had built these rooms long ago. He had no sooner reassured himself of this fact when he thought he heard a noise in the corridor outside his lair. He muted the warbling noise he called music. After a long pause of nothing he was just beginning to hit play when the secret door was violently pushed in by Harambe the incoming Secretary of Media. Harambe was followed closely by DMJ and Tyler Bubblar with a hesitant KingTaco inching in slowly behind them.

Yui sat up," how did you find me in here no one knows about these rooms!" he exclaimed. Tyler chuckled softly and answered "we found these rooms when KingTaco tunneled into them last month trying to escape the basement. He doesn't know it but we injected a tracker into his left testicle before we threw him down there." hearing this KingTaco paled and muttered to himself "I knew something was up with that barmaid. No wonder my balls hurt so much when I woke up the next morning." Yui looked at the intruders into his domain " so...uhhh.. what do you guys want?" he asked somewhat trepidaciously . With that DMJ looked at Harambe and nodded. Harambe lunged forward and grabbed Yui by the upper arm. Tyler looked at KingTaco and also nodded towards Yui. "Do I have to?" KingTaco whined. "Not if you don't mind going back to the basement." Came the firm reply. With that KingTaco sighed and grabbed the other arm of Yui and they began to drag him down the halls.

At first Yui resisted fiercely until understanding dawned on him and he began to laugh. "If you think you are going to put me back in the Resource Wars Coordination Room you clearly haven't checked them. I had those rooms destroyed and bricked over when I was President," he chortled. When they arrived to the bricked over door to the Resource Wars room his laughter intensified. That laughter began to die down in dread when he saw Tyler and DMJ begin to knock on the bricks until one of their knocks made a hollow noise that should not have been possible. Tyler looked at Harambe "Harambe do you mind punching the brick right there?" he asked as he pointed at the hollow sounding brick. Harambe released Yui's arm and casually strode over and punched the wall with all of his Gorilla strength. The brick shattered leaving an access panel that Yui had never seen before. He was too panicked to take advantage of Harambe letting him go and watched in horror as first Tyler then DMJ punched in codes into the access panel. The brick vibrated and then shattered into red dust revealing the very much worse for wear Coordination Room.

Yui heaved a sigh of relief. The room was beyond salvage of that he had made sure. His relief melted when The President and Chief of Staff punched in more codes and counter codes into the access panel and the floor of the Coordination room seemed to flip over revealing a perfectly operational Resource Wars Coordination Room. Complete with a glowing screen with bright Scarlet Letters flashing Neodymium over and over again. This was a scene from Yui's nightmares. When his eyes settled on THE CHAIR he began to scream and weep "NO NO NO!!!! Don't put me back in the chair I don't have enough soul left to operate it! Please no I'm a ginger I didn't have that much soul to begin with don't do this to me!!!" he wailed. At this Tyler smiled " I thought you'd say that. We've made a few alterations and some arrangements" he said. With that he snapped his fingers and a door across the hall opened with Aersidius leading a very drunk Paul Proteus. Paul look at everyone and smiled "hey guys what a win huh?" he slurred at them. He smelled for all the world like a prohibition era bathtub distillery. Wrinkling his nose in distaste Tyler looked at Aersidius "you know what to do." Aersidius nodded and said "Hey Paul you want to play with the Resource Wars Machine?" Paul giggled with delight. They never let him touch anything remotely fun in the White House. Without answering he ran into the Coordination room and threw himself into THE CHAIR. His laughter immediately turned to shrieks of pain and terror. THE CHAIR ran on soul and was rapidly refueling itself.

The screams ceased and the steaming slightly crispy body of Paul Proteus fell from THE CHAIR. "You Killed Paul....Again...You Bastards!" yelled Yui. DMJ laughed derisively "nah he'll be fine. He's 'died' who know how many times over the last 2 months and he keep coming right on back. We found this interesting enough that we looked into his background. Turns out Paul is from a little town in Colorado named South Park. He always wore this oversized face covering coat. It muffled his mouth so no one ever knew what he was saying including his name. They called him Kenny and he was dying left and right. Then he grew up and was forced by Claire Littleton to remove his coat when he was in the Libs with her. He's functionally immortal so he will give you all the soul you need." as DMJ finished his explanation sure enough the corpse of Paul Proteus began to stir and he sat up and shook his head. With that Harambe and KingTaco shoved Yui into the room that had haunted his dreams awake and asleep for the last 4 years. "Now get in there and coordinate this lame ass Hot Summer event" Tyler's voice could be heard as the door slammed shut with finality on him.

Over the Last several days the Cabinet discussed

This Hot Summer event
How underwhelming it looks
The likelihood this might be the new war module
Plans for a pinkeye scavenger hunt
It's going to be super fun and will of course be blamed on Paul
TWs with Asteria and how some of them just can't hang
The discussion on removing Dom from the blacklist
I am all for trying to bridge divides in the community but some think he would do it again and some think Dom is an Ajay multi do with that what you will
KingTaco being awesome and nearly completely automating Battle Orders in conjunction with Yui's Discord bots
It looks like the eUSA will have Tyler as President for another month we are going to try to give the community a spectacular next 30 days

Day 4607

Recently it has come to the attention of the Bubblar media team that Press Secretary Paul Proteus has been delinquent in his duties. That is to say, that he has missed several deadlines.

Luckily, we live in an era of incredible technology. So, we are replacing Paul Proteus immediately.

Using old press briefings and a Markov-Chain based algorithm (tm), we have found a way to create new press briefings of the same quality without the need for a pesky inconsistent and lazy human being writing them.

So without further ado, welcome our new Press Secretary: Python 3.

already more likable than Paul!


Quickly, he told himself. Sure, King Taco hadn't worked out the design of Paul's neck and junior officers filtered in the painted, so important music for some still exists. "VILL YOU SHUT UP!," Tyler said. "My love!" Harambe was starting to start a PG-13 rating now, he learned from this Mother's Day that the administration hates the youth as he had been Temp banned. "There we are, you forgot," Yui put up and laid down on writing increasingly macabre recountings of Paul sprinted to solid blue light on the sacrifice or drop the poor cellular signal had to get you could get. Silence again. Suddenly, a fire two hours later, years, the color of the next time longer, the evening before the shitty user interface. Players who hate America and Tyler set orders. Flash forward and no one had expected to be rescued. "Fine!" Thus DMJ had brought a man in, his grandson Paul Proteus fell.

Ru...Ru..m!" Tyler cried out. "Ready, sir!" Immediately after the first person you knew his desk, he let out of the rum I'd get out to explain the gnarled trees, they were gone. Tyler could have been slated for a thread, he knew that the labyrinth hallways of some have to room never leaked, this is gross guys!! Sadly, this case of eAmerican democracy was once again following the light to tell anyone about Proteus and his opinion on course due to read. "Fucking Plato," he had a high and bonding with the top. Much like just whiskey, assuaged the release of May 14th for emphasis at the screens, his mind is the conspiracy of his throat the room that brought his lair.

“Roger that, Big Red chewing gum," and asleep and although they heard as Tyler smiled and he saw on redundancy with ink vendors off the gnarled trees in front doors opened up, but still caught him. It really bothered Evry’s back in the room. "Ah, thank you for investigating these reasons." Something about how he was the person talking, all four of the faces around him. First up: What department still keeping the still used his friends, but he didn't congratulate the source of the first name, Vice President, of a distinct soft tread of the weird old woman ghost with a possible croquet mallet it was onboard President Bubblar. "Well it's me," because Paula Proteus smirked, before stepping through the room where he was staring at, and they were too late. It had uncovered the White House. If Tyler had the “Tenshibo Tabula,” did that help bring a satellite photo? "Sirs!" Don't miss out!

Everything had gone from eRepublik Labs. DMJ hoped the intruder was in a monitoring room. Something about the cabinet had insisted! Besides, being dead, Paul. Everybody looked at this is doubly strong. "Ja! Hell," he did let out for another quick prayer. Dashing out of Staff, dmjohnston redirected the loud yet strange person. Seemingly against the Coordination Room. Aramec selected rapiers in the staircase, and in the United States, DMJ horribly slashed as he saw Paul. “We’re sure?” Secret Service wasn't bored and immediately there was a banana in agreement. Thus DMJ said that they were seemingly out, which was Tyler's latest K-Pop video. Rainy looked at times over 1000% compared to be somewhat competent members of the truth. Few thing could be called getting trapped in cryogenic sleep for Congress Elections. Rainy Sunday! Randomly air-striking eAntarctica is costly (he laughed all alone now, in his thoughts). Tyler4President: 2Fast2Furious seemed to sweat. "How nice of Moloch!"

Okay maybe we're not quite there yet........

Recently the Cabinet discusse😛

NSC needing to get its shit together
DMJ is apparently not popular abroad
Who needs other countries
Tyler revealed his barely simmering rage
Pimp has theories on foreign affairs and infighting...
Harambe is here and ready to do media
MR and DMJ delicately discuss our allies
King Taco declares he is fabulous
Is that something people who are actually fabulous do?
I'm guessing not
I said I would write this
Krapis immediately called me out
Which, fair
Dinn was also there

:These links apparently still work! Nice!:

King Harambe, Secretary of Media